One of the most difficult parts of being a father, for me, is to stand by and allow my children the freedom to make their own mistakes. I was raised in an unstable environment by both of my parents until I was thirteen. Through my life, I was given nothing but mixed messages. My father mostly gave me free rein to make mistakes and grow from them, except whenever he needed to punish someone - then it didn't matter, I was a target for everything. My mother, on the other hand, didn't let me make mistakes. When my parents split I spent the most informative years of my life being judged in an underhanded way by my mom; on the other hand she sheltered from making mistakes - or at least attempted to. When I did make these mistakes I was more disillusioned than before. Because of these circumstances, I grew up sometimes being okay with making mistakes and learning from them, and, sometimes not being okay with my mistakes. I became judgemental of others' when they made certain kinds of mistakes, yet I embraced some during their mistakes. I would openly ridicule when I didn't agree, and I would be condescending or dismissive when I accepted mistakes - whether it was my own or another's. This caused a great deal of confusion and uncertainty in my life, ruined good relationships, damaged my own motivation and confidence, and, allowed other people to easily sway me. One such person who easily swayed me was my ex-wife. Because I was not certain of myself and where I stood - because I feared mistakes - I became a follower where I should have been a leader. During the relationship with my ex, I became increasingly less likely to try anything, that included practicing something, because I was too afraid to be judged.
I had five children with three different people from the time I was fifteen to twenty-nine; one of them I adopted. My oldest, I didn't know until she was fifteen and I was thirty; my two middle are currently estranged, and out of my two youngest I have a rocky relationship with one of them. The facts are that I wasn't always a good father; and, I chose to have babies with people who did not match my core beliefs.There are a lot of rules to parenting - well, more guidelines than rules - and few of them actually make any sense. In my youth, I learned that trust was the most important thing to have. As a young adult, still forming my own self and raising little humans, much of the "rules" of parenting seemed to be in line with trust. Except they weren't. I remember hearing a lot of don'ts and very few do's. Things like don't raise your voice, don't judge, don't ridicule, don't make them feel vulnerable, and, don't set them up for failure. Although this is all very good advice to a parent who only, or majorily, does any or all of these things it was shit advice for someone like me who seeks and needs balance in my relationships. I say that it was shit advice but I didn't actually know that at the time. Instead, I looked at the results of my life and how an over-use of all of those things negatively effected me and I bought in to being a safe parent. I say safe, but I know now I wasn't an effective parent. And, may safe parenting didn't garner trust.
When the relationship with my oldest, then fifteen year old, was being established was around the same time I was becoming estranged from my next two oldest. This was a weird time for me since I was at a rough time with my then wife, I was at a point where I knew I was lost but didn't know how to find myelf, and my oldest was a mirror for me to face my fears, and, my second youngest was beginning to do the same. However, because I was uncomfortable with myself at the time I wasn't taking too kindly to what I was seeing reflected back to me from my children. At this point, I was thirty; I would end up spending the next decade trying to figure out how to align the need to bring balance to my relationships, build undeniable trust, and allow my children to flourish.
What Did I Learn?
The first thing I had to do through this decade of searching was to become okay with failure - all failure - and then to learn how to learn from it. There are some areas where I am still learning to be comfortable with failure, but, in the area of parenting I became very accepting. I wish I could write that one night I figured it all out and woke up the next day and fixed my shit; but I would be lying. It was a great deal of trial and error with one major catastrophic event which made what I had learned crystal clear. The truth is, I spent eight years of said decade failing and recalibrating - mostly afraid to put any of what I was discovering into action. Then, two years ago, my three day old grandson died. It was this cataclysmic event which caused me to realize that if I wanted true trust I had to give it, and that meant shedding my previous conception of parenting. Essentially, I came up with the following principles of life:
- Find yourself,
- Value yourself,
- Friendships need to be valued but are not everything,
- Parents and leaders are good moral compasses and mentors,
- Follow your own dreams.
1. Find Yourself
I have made it my mission to find myself; and, to allow my children the space to find themselves. It is impossible to do anything to fullest potential without knowing yourself. The entire concept of finding yourself is to release who you think you are and explore. One of our greatest weaknesses is to stay stuck in a place that once served us, but no longer does.
2. Value Yourself
When we value ourselves we are putting ourselves first. This was a hard one for me to believe in. I would tell my children that putting themselves first was selfish. That conversation had to change if I was to foster trust; and if we as a family were to believe in ourselves as individuals and as a group.
3. Friendships; Valuable But Not Everything
This one was hard for me to bring into my toolbox. I used to encourage my children to value friendships at less than nothing. But that was completely a result of my fears and insecurities. Without solid friendships we have no bearing on reality; we lose our tight family bonds, and we miss out on great opportunities for growth. Now, I encourage my children to value friendships nearly on the same level as family. One thing I do discourage though is the trap that most people fall in to; putting the opinions of their friends dangerously above themselves.
4. Parents & Leaders
Parents, older siblings, leaders, and other influential family members are important in our lives. However, I used to believe that they trumped a young persons individuality. This one was hard to articulate but is a much needed principle of success in my family. I think this one can be hard without us having knowledge of who we are as individuals and how each of us effects our family unit. While some people think this is equality, I say absolutely not - there should never be equality but equity. Equality being the notion that everybody is equal, where equity is the act of providing everybody with what they need to succeed. One thing about equitable treatment is that we provide those we love with the opportunity to fail.
5. Follow Your Own Dreams
It is essential that we all follow our own dreams; we are all individuals with our own goals, wants and needs. The tricky part here is that we need to follow our own path while respecting our families. But, as the parent, it is our job to understand that the confines of respecting the family doesn't denote stomping on the dreams of our children.
Once I switched the focus as leader of my family from "my way or the highway" to one of equity I began noticing massive changes in both my children and myself. We have all become far more empowered and focused as individuals and as a group. When my newborn grandson passed, I was reminded of a conversation I had with a complete stranger when I was a teenager. This stranger, a woman who sparked a conversation with me, told me that my destiny was to be the leader of my family. I had spent so many years leading my family in a dysfunctional way, no different than that of my parents. I built safety nets around my children, padded them from realities that I had to deal with. And, in turn I failed. My children didn't learn how to live on their own, how to function as strong members of society, and more importantly how to stand on their own. And, one of my children even drove themselves deep into a lifestyle I strived to shelter them from. When I changed my tactics I realised I was opperating from my core self and from a healthy perspective.Give them the world and they will give it back to you as well as pay it forward.
| About Jason White |
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| Jason White is a father, a grandfather, knowledge seeker and sharer. Jason is the owner of Growth Positive Consulting where he puts his fundraising and management skills to great use. He is a writer, a woodworker, and a philanthropist. Find him here:facebook: @JasonLWhiteAuthortwitter: @ChiiMakwainstagram: @Chii_Makwapatreon: https://www.patreon.com/JasonLWhite vocal media: https://vocal.media/authors/jason-white-1 You can also donate to Jason through PayPal at paypal.me/jasonlwhiteauthor |
