Every once in a while I get an image of myself as I’d like to be: admirably self-controlled, unruffled, good-humored, respectful of others and therefore eliciting respect for herself, setting high standards for myself but being tolerant of others . . . the list goes on. It’s a picture of my so-called “best self.” That person doesn’t actually exist, unfortunately, but I find that picturing her is helpful. Last night, for example, we were at a restaurant celebrating a family birthday and I had ordered chili rellenos. Very, very good. But there were two of them, and I knew after finishing one that I didn’t need any more. I could save the rest for today. But that second one, with its crispy crust (always get the crispy rellenos! it’s a rule of life) was very tempting. I looked at it; it looked at me. And I thought, ‘My ideal self wouldn’t eat it. She’d stick to what she decided to do.’ So, while I did cut off one corner, the rest came home with me and is sitting in the fridge even now, waiting to be consumed for lunch.

This Saturday is our Chorale Saturday Morning retreat rehearsal, complete with breakfast provided by my helpers and me. Typically what happens is that I put off my preparations and have to push myself Friday evening to get things done, or, even worse, I wait until Saturday morning. A sure path to panic! And while I know that I need to get everything nonperishable loaded up in the car ahead of time, I often push that task off until Saturday morning also. Suddenly, the clock is ticking down and I’m not ready. Jim helps me get it all done. I have a (usually minor) meltdown. I’m 5-10 minutes later than I want to be in arriving at the church. The whole thing is much more stressful than it needs to be. But would my best self do it that way? No, absolutely not. That alternative self would cheerfully and calmly get everything possible done, carefully checking to make sure all supplies needed are on hand. The trunk would be neatly packed with the paper and plastic supplies and the chafing dishes, in boxes so that the helpers wouldn’t have to deal with too much schlepping. She’d go to bed on Friday night with the knowledge that all was in readiness. She’d get up early on Saturday morning and do the truly last-minute tasks, such as baking those prepared breakfast casseroles, and she’d arrive at the rehearsal with time to spare. No meltdowns!

All this sounds very unimportant, I guess. After all, there’s never been a time when I failed to get people fed. Maybe I’ve imposed a bit on the good nature of my crew, but I always thank them and they keep helping out, so what’s the harm? Probably none, in their minds. But there’s an erosion of self-respect in mine. Self-respect, competence, and confidence: all qualities that I admire and want to have for myself. And let’s face it: if you consistently fail to plan ahead, there will come a time when there’s a failure. I’ve always been rescued by last-minute helpers, but one of these days I’ll be left hanging. The exhausting thing to me is that I have to push myself to do the right thing every single time. It never seems to become automatic. (Maybe it would if I did it more consistently.)

So I’m going to keep chasing after that ideal self. I want to act in a way that will make her proud of me. (In case you think I’m just being weird with this whole alternative-self idea, I’m simply re-wording/re-thinking a recognized concept, that of your “future self.” How will you feel tomorrow about doing whatever it is you’re doing today? My tweak to this concept is that instead of projecting myself into the future I imagine myself in the present but with better qualities.)

What qualities would you like in your best self? How could you incorporate them into your life now?

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