So I’m sitting at a Wimpy’s Diner, reading a mustard-encrusted, abandoned copy of the Toronto Star that I swiped from a nearby booth.  Earlier in the day, I had set up my very own investigative journal-ish blog at Word Press, and I was wondering what would be a good subject for my very first investigative “outing” (figuratively, of course, since all research and queries would be conducted from my home basement workplace, with as little effort and hassle as possible).

In a bit of a pissed off mood, because the waitress informed me that I’d be charged $1.49 for the extra hamburger bun I ordered (which they would itemize on the bill as “toast”) to accommodate the 10 ounces of charred hamburger meat bursting out of the confines of the small bun it came with, I thought that this would be my inaugural topic for investigation:

“If It’s An Outsized Burger, Why Not Also An Outsized Bun?”

The game plan I mapped out, while waiting for my “toast,” would be to call the corporate headquarters of Wimpy’s the next morning, during business hours – assuming I wouldn’t be pulling an all-nighter and crashing for the rest of the day. 

After putting on the call block (so they couldn’t track me down), I would then proceed to grill any corporate exec who’d field my call.  There, in my booth, I began to formulate the questions I’d ask:

“If you have the courage of your convictions to charge for the extra hamburger bun, why call it ‘toast’ on the bill?  Because your customers would think only a bunch of assholes would charge $1.49 for something itemized as ‘hamburger bun’ in a hamburger joint?  Because you figured that if you called it ‘toast’ instead, most people would say, ‘Yeah, I can see that – the buck forty-nine for the time and effort it takes to toss a piece of bread in the toaster?’”

As an investigative journal-ist, I would have to anticipate the exec’s likely response:

“Well, sir, if you had examined the extra bun qua toast we charged you for, you’d notice that it was slightly grilled…or, shall I say, toasted?” 

That slippery fuck.  But then, as I lowered my head toward the table, contemplating my theoretical rebuttal to that theoretical asshole response, my eyes set upon the headline peeking out from the mustard stain on the editorial page of my newspaper:

“Frontline Workers Need The Flu Shot”

My throat tightened as I read the opening line of the editorial, delivered with an air of smug certainty:  “Strong scientific evidence, backed by simple common sense, dictates that health-care workers should be widely immunized against influenza.” 

My eye skipped to this other nugget of certainty:  “Influenza vaccine is effective in preventing illness in up to 90 per cent of immunized adults.” 

Oh, really? Interesting.  I never knew that.  I recalled reading somewhere that there are around 30,000 “flu-related” deaths in the U.S. each year. If that smug editorialist is correct, up to 90% of them were not immunized.  But he did qualify them as immunized adults.  So maybe most of the reported flu casualties are children? But then I recalled reading somewhere that around 40 to 80 children die each year in the U.S. from “flu-related complications.”.  And didn’t I recall reading somewhere else that, each Spring, they have to guess which flu strain from Asia will be coming our way by the Fall?  That, in some years, they guess wrong, and the resulting flu vaccine for that year has no effect at all, or very little?

My eyes scanned the name of the editorial page editor on the masthead.  Ian Urquhart.  “Screw you, Ian Er-Cue-Hart!” I screamed aloud, startling the guy at the table beside me, who was busy slathering barbecue sauce on his hamburger bun qua toast. 

Not even sure if Urquhart actually wrote this.  Surely he signed off on it, since he’s the asshole credited on the masthead.  Urquhart – or, perhaps, Smug Unknown Asshole Under Urquhart – went on to note that Toronto Medical Officer of Health Dr. David McKeown wants the Ontario provincial government to make “flu shots mandatory for health-care workers if their immunization rates don’t significantly improve over the next three years.”  Urquhart/Unknown Asshole suggested that this proposal “deserves backing.”

He went on to inform us that the Premier of Ontario and the Ontario “nurses’ association have said taking a flu shot should remain a health-care worker’s personal decision.”  And here’s the kicker:  “Ideally,” the editorialist averred, “that should be the case.  But too many have been making the wrong choice when it comes to protecting themselves and their patients.”

Oh, I get it:  You “ideally” support their right to exercise free choice so long as – in your smug, possibly anonymous, asshole opinion – they make the right choice.  “You smug bastard!” I wailed at the masthead. 

No wonder those editorials don’t come with an actual by-line.  You can write like an utter smug asshole and make everyone else look like ignorant assholes when they call up to complain:  “Nope, wasn’t me.  It was…some other guy.” 

Well, I wasn’t going to fall into that trap.  There were larger, more important assholes to grill. Perhaps I’d call Dr. David McKeown at the Toronto Public Health office.  Tomorrow. During business hours.  I figured there was a window open here, since I had been up for over 24 hours already, and was likely to crash out to sleep relatively early tonight, waking up in time tomorrow to make a call when somebody might actually be around to field it.  This would be my cycle to strike!

But then again…do I really care if nurses, interns, and hospital janitors are forced to take a friggin’ flu shot?  Do you?  No, that would not be a gripping topic to inaugurate my investigative journal-ish blog.  I needed something more controversial, more sexy. 

Like…uh…pregnant women and the Swine Flu vaccine?  Yeah, that could work.  I already knew that they’re struggling to get the safety trials done in time for the swine flu vaccine roll-out here in the next few weeks.  Yet all over North America, you have swarms of Ian Urquharts – or their anonymous underlings – urging pregnant women to rush out and get their swine flu shot. Because the swine flu virus reportedly gets really nasty with pregnant women.  And though these Urquhartians likely haven’t seen  the as-yet uncompleted safety trials for pregnant women, one can presume that they’re guided by a strong whiff of “common sense”.

Okay, so that’s my game plan.  I’ll call up Dr. David McKeown at the Toronto Public Health office tomorrow and ask him what information he has that the swine flu shot is safe for pregnant women.  “Bill, please,” I asked the waitress as she set my slightly toasted “toast” down on the table. 

Who really cares if it’s a buck forty-nine, after all?  I have serious work to do. 

 Stay tuned…

Swine Flu – Part II

 

The Patron Starlet for today’s post is Mary Martin. 

Posted in Public Health Tagged: flu, flu vaccine, Public Health, swine flu, swine flu shot, Toronto Star