I have to be careful what I say because I don’t want anyone to get upset by what I am going to say. I’d rather not get involved in certain things more than I already am right now. I don’t want to get trolled by others mates or put myself in danger from certain groups of people. Shall I just start from the beginning as it’s more simple? I’m tired so this may not read right. I got up at 7 am this morning and then went to the Gym, so I am quite worn out. 

I don’t feel that I can let things slip without saying certain things. The other person involved in my situation basically put me through all this to get their own way. They really didn’t see the implications this has had for me. I don’t suppose they even cared because they have a comfortable life and a job which carries some form of respected status (rather than being unemployed, labelled as a criminal, others just refusing to understand that you’ve got a disability and that you’re not an awful person) . I lost a lot of money throughout the situation. I was taken advantage of by the psychics online to the tune of £15000 over a period of 5 years (they took advantage of my sons adoption and the whole university situation). I could have done with that money saved. They were my savings which I had from medical negligence compensation after I was treated wrongly for Epilepsy as a child. I’m now struggling for money because of DLA being phased out and PIP refusing me benefit. I tried to appeal the restraining order which cost me £275 in court costs. I had to pay a total of £900 in court costs and victim compensation combined throughout the time it was in court for the original things that got said and the subsequent restraining order breaches.

It’s not just financially but also the emotional impact it has had on me. I now despise myself for who I am. I won’t accept my disability because of how I’ve been treated. The way in which I have been treated has led to feelings of self hatred. I still have dreams about everything that has happened (well nightmares). I feel that I have to ‘get rid’ of my disability affects completely to ever be able to trust that another won’t put me through the criminal justice system again. I live my life in fear to the point where I’m thinking that someone else finds me weird so they’re making arrangements behind my back to get me punished for traits to do with my disability. I think (and to some extent I have proof that it is true) that others have pre-empted who I am and are on their guard or that they’ve put extra health and safety measures in place because I’m ‘one of those’ in their eyes. The mistakes I made was through lack of experience and I had no malicious intent. Even the services treated me like that (well under the councils instructions). I have absolutely no malice in me, yet I am made to feel guilty for being born with the disability which I have. If I have the PDA part of the spectrum then it is an illness, I am not bad or mad.

The children and younger people with PDA are still getting treated in the way that I did because there is a refusal by the health organisations of this country to recognise PDA. I see posts on my social networking sites about children being excluded from school and being handed over to the police because others refuse to try to work with their high levels of anxiety which makes it appear like they’re refusing to cooperate on purpose. These children are being prepped by the system to be the next generation that get used as police and crown prosecution service targets. This is what is going to happen until people see it as a recognised part of the spectrum. Our difficulties are NOT an option for us. We can’t just ‘turn off of our traits’ and especially the anxiety that causes them. Others have to assist us to live with them or serious issues will happen. The assistance can be as little as understanding that things said in anger and high anxiety doesn’t mean that we are a danger in any way.

On the other hand, after all the trauma I went through. Sooner or later as time goes on the unreasonableness of the other person’s behaviour will be apparent to those around them. It wasn’t all me, a lot was in their head and assumptions that they made, not who I really was as a person. I get put in these therapy groups where there are those that deal drugs etc. I get those that will only use me to their own advantage and when they don’t want anything it’s like I do not exist. I did want friends but I don’t trust anyone anymore after everything that has happened. I feel like the other person has thrown me indirectly into a world that I don’t want to be in. I’m not streetwise and find it hard to say no to people. I then find my things missing which is why no one is allowed to come in my flat now. And then, there are things that happen like today which is like fate trying to rub things in. The probation officer that I had just went off on maternity leave and the one that has taken over has the same name (shortened version of it spelt exactly the same way) as the person that caused me to end up there. It makes me feel a bit sad. I do miss the other person but I also hate them for letting me down so much and then making me out to be the awful person.