If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. -Leviticus 20-13
You know, a lot of people believe that this passage of the bible relates to homosexuality and the sin associated with it. I, however, am almost certain that the lord was actually condemning Soccer, or football to those who are freedom challenged. I understand that this is possibly just as controversial of a stance on this particular passage, but just hear me out. This time of year is bittersweet for me, as it should be for any true American. Real football, the kind which the lord set aside a holy day for millennia before he first gifted mankind with it, has long ended. The greatest thing to come out of Canada, hockey, is nearing it's peak. March madness has finally subsided, and the NBA playoffs are in full swing. America's pastime is just beginning to pick up, but it just isn't as much fun without sitting in the ballpark with a cup of liquid gold to help you past that seventh inning stretch. Aside from the odd rugby game, which some sports channels in the U.S.A. graciously air on occasion, soccer is the only thing we have left. Well, I just cannot get behind it, though I do have a deep respect for football hooligans and hooliganism in general. This lack of interest in soccer and overabundance of baseball leaves one with a fair amount of time to reflect upon other sports and bemoan the previous, and upcoming seasons.
For me, this time is spent trying to weasel my way out of work and other various chores in order to plant my ass on the bank of a lake or in someone's boat. You see, Arkansas is one of a few states that doesn't have a single damn professional sports team. While Los Angeles had the possibility of getting three separate NFL teams, the natural state has to focus all of it's ample rage at its favorite collegiate team, the Razorbacks. While there are some outliers who will try and make a case for Arkansas State being a team to Follow, they are wrong. Despite growing up being a sports fan, I never really had a team to follow religiously. Some of the more popular teams in the area are the ever present Cowboys, who can fuck right off, the Cardinals, and the Lakers. Some will make a case for the Grizzlies, Spurs, Thunder, or other regional team, but they're really just trying not to follow the Lakers and I do not blame them. For one reason or another I tended not to give a damn about any of these teams.
The Cowboys tend to draw out some nastiness from me due to the fact that their fan base in this state seems to be insufferable, miserable, cunts. I kid, sort of. I enjoyed watching the Cards as a kid because at the time Mark McGwire was on enough steroids to scare the Russian Olympic teams, and absolutely crushing home runs. I also loved the Bulls for a little while because everyone loved the Bulls in the 90s. Not only did they have Michael fucking Jordan, but Scotty Pippen, and Dennis Rodman too. Hockey was a great mystery to me as a kid. While it was a sport for yankees and Canadians, it was a rough sport filled with hard bastards, and I could not deny that it was great fun to watch. Even as a child I knew that soccer was bullshit though. I'm an American, and as an American I am obliged to enjoy sports which are not inherently for poor countries. The only reason baseball gets a pass is because it is America's pastime. It is the only sport at which an obese man who smokes cigars by the fist full and drinks beer by the case can excel. "What about golf? John Daly sounds as though he could be your role model." While John Daly is indeed the greatest golfer to ever swing a club, and I do admire his hard charging, rock and roll lifestyle greatly, golf is too elitist for me. I cannot rightfully endorse a "sport" which requires equipment that costs me a few weeks worth of wages, and no running or physical contact with ill intent toward your fellow man.
Despite having family and friends who support certain professional franchises with the same energy as our state's beloved Razorbacks, it took me quite some time to mesh with any pro teams. The first teams I really began to have any serious interest in were all of the teams in the Tampa Bay area. My older brother had moved to the area believing that no one would think some pseudo hillbilly, weirdo from Arkansas with a love for good dope and better beer would take up residence in an area surrounded by old, retired Jews. Having family in the area coupled with the fact that the Buccaneers had one of the greatest defensive tackles to ever touch the field at the time, Warren Sapp, made being a fan easy. I also began to follow the Rays and Lightning as well. It made for good conversation with my brother. I enjoyed the Saints as well due to the fact that I had family in Louisiana. Much to the chagrin of my brother though, I eventually began to fall more into the Saints camp due to the fact that both the Bucs and Saints are both in the NFC south. I'm not quite sure what caused this shift, but studies have shown drug and alcohol usage changes the way one's neurotransmitters function, so we'll go with that.
My teams remained the same for some time; Tampa Bay Rays, Lightning, New Orleans Saints, and no specific loyalties to any pro basketball team. Eventually though I fled from my small hometown in Arkansas to sunny southern California, courtesy of Uncle Sam. Moving to this mecca of freaks had a profound impact upon my life. While there I learned; discipline, brotherhood among friends, love is complicated, drinking good beer is a lifestyle, and attending professional sporting events is truly awesome. You see, while having the ability to watch the game anytime and any place is wonderful, it will never surpass the feeling of being in an ocean of like minded drunkards, screaming until they collapse, and secretly praying for some life changing injury to an opposing team member. People are social creatures, and socializing is a part of the sports experience which I hope we never lose.
The rush of being surrounded by a mob of maniacs who are so dedicated to their team that physical violence is always an option to win an argument for their team or favorite player affected me so profoundly that I once again changed alliances, at least to a certain degree. I began to follow the Chargers, who had stupidly previously released the great Drew Breese, and the Padres whom I will more than likely proclaim "Next year is their year." every single year. I also attended an L.A. Kings game which naturally caused me to follow them more closely as well.
I know that there are some people reading this right now who are rolling their dicks, or tits (let's not be sexist), with a rolling pin while screaming at their monitor, or phone more likely, at the thought of this. For those who became lost via mindless clicking and stumbled upon this site who may not be so sport obsessed, this is akin to performing ritualistic sacrifice to the dark lord himself, Ozzy fucking Osbourne, in the christian religion. It is the highest form of blasphemy. To most, for someone to jump ship from team to team and call themselves a sports fan is absurd, to me it is perfectly normal though. At least the teams I follow are in different conferences and divisions.
To bring an end to this I'd like to begin by thanking my readers who have managed to see this shit show through to the end. I know that crushing your genitals with a rolling pin is painful, but sometimes one must do just that in order to endure some one's asinine opinion. While my way of thinking is not normal for most, it is all I have ever known. I struggled with being labeled a bandwagon douche for quite some time, but after enduring some truly miserable seasons with various sporting organizations I can assure you, and myself, that I am not. Most people are born into their ways of thinking and this includes sports teams, politics, religion, and most other things in life. I have been fortunate enough in life to have never had ways of thinking crammed down my throat to the point of vomiting my disgusting bile all over everyone I come into contact with. I have instead been fortunate enough to allow my sports alliances to form naturally like the rest of my opinions. Because of this, my professional sports alliances have changed organically over time in the same way my political leanings and personal beliefs have. Who knows, maybe one day I'll watch soccer more often than when America is going for the world cup, though that may be a stretch. After all, taking the piss out "football" fans is as American as obesity due to overconsumption of fast food.
On a final note, if you are a Cowboys fan in Arkansas, take it from me, it's never too late to repent and denounce your disgusting ways.
Editors Note: This photo is a Creative Commons licensed photo from Pixabay.
