A UK member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright.

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde.

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” -Stephen Bishop.

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb.

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson.

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker.

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain.

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork..” – Mae West.

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde.

I am not saying I hate you, but you are literally the Monday of my life

I am really sorry if I hurt your feelings by calling you stupid. I really thought you already knew that.

I was hoping for a battle of wits, but you are apparently unarmed.

• You are the kind of guy to take to the cinema when I want to watch the movie.
• Philip of Macedon-If I win this war, you’ll be slaves forever. Sparta- “If!”
• Mark Twain-Politicians and diapers must be changed often and for the same reason
• A conversation between a drunk man and  the American poet, Dorothy Parker: Drunk man-I can’t bear fools. Parker- Apparently your mother could.