It's finally the beginning of October which would have made it the start of J's and I 6th month together. Oh well. I am doing a lot better now, especially since we started communicating again. It's been rather frustrating for me as well because he is seemingly putting in no effort into our Friendship. He acts so flat and uninterested in talking to me that it makes me angry. This is someone who "cares so much about me" and who at times "thinks he loves me" who says that "I really want you in my life." Not only that but when I tell him I need time alone and that we can't talk he says sadly "well don't take too long." Yet when I come around and offer my friendship he just kinda treats it with no sense of enthusiasm. His actions and his words are so different that they are basically not only speaking another language but talking about two different things as well. He tells me he cares yet he acts like he doesn't. Not once since we started talking again has he asked how I was, how school was or anything involving me. I am the only one putting in the effort. I make it obvious I care whereas he is so cold to me that it's ridiculous. It almost feels like he is doing it on purpose to deter me from being friends with him. Like he is hoping if he keeps this up that I'll just drift away, and you know what? It's a good plan because it's working.

I have to give him credit though. He is now answering my instant messages and responding to the jovial conversations I am starting. It's nice to joke back and forth with him, talk about stupid things and just be friends. It makes me smile and happy when I get to have those moments with him because that's what I miss the most. I don't really miss the romantic aspect of us... sure I miss his lips, the feeling of my arms around his body and such but what I miss more is that fun companionship, the friend aspect of us. I miss talking to him on the phone, coming over and eating dinner then watching Stargate or some other TV DVD thing. I miss helping him shop at Wal-Mart or even going out and grabbing a drink at the club. I would love to do other things too. I just miss that friend stuff. But I am the one taking the initiative. I am the one trying to communicate. The only times he has reached out to me is 1) to call and tell me he couldn't hang out with him on a day I had asked if we could and 2) to tell me his cousin is in jail. That's it. I won't take the stupid excuse that he is busy because I know he is not that busy that he can't send me an IM or call me for 5 minutes and see how I'm doing, simply say hello, or make some sort of future plans to hang out? No one is that busy. At least if this all crumbles I can keep my head up high and firmly say "I meant what I said, I did want him in my life and wanted to be his friend and I was just that, a good friend" and he will not be able to say the same. If things end like this then at least I walk away the good guy and him just the inconsiderate asshole who tells people one thing and does another. I'd rather be me personally.

I miss J but day in and day out, as our new found friendship continues on, I realize how different we are, and as much as I like a challenge he takes it to an extreme. It seems I am always finding the extremes with people. With Mike D it was crazy over emotional smothering and with J it was like a complete non-emotional and inconsiderate desert. Why can't I find a middle ground person? Someone who is not a complete open book, who isn't extremely easily accessible but yet not closed off to where you only get a glimpse of emotion, compassion, consideration once in a blue moon? Someone who can make me feel loved and important but also keep me on my toes. I'm sure that person exists but who knows if I will ever get the chance to cross paths with him. This whole situation still makes me feel like I'm kinda worthless, even though I know I'm definitely not. Not only was I rejected in the relationship but I'm seemingly being rejected in the friendship too, it's so demoralizing and upsetting. I dunno... we shall see how October goes. I will at least give him until around October 13th which would be one month since we broke up. Only time will tell...