Human girl on back of ape named Maurice. Huh?

As a fan of all previous ape movies, starting with every version of my favorite film of all time, King Kong, and including Mighty Joe Young and the first two in this series, I think I have become something of an expert in the genre. So I feel quite confident in saying that this particular movie sucks so bad, if we are all very quiet we will be able to hear it sucking. Somehow it not only got the rave reviews from respected critics that compelled me to see it, but Woody Harrelson to star. And as a fan of Woody Harrelson, I can say, again with confidence, that heaslo sucks in his role as Marlon Brando playing Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now.

Here's the movie: Apes and humans are at war. Humans want to kill all apes. So naturally apes want to kill humans. But apes are nicer. They have big hearts. They adopt human girl they find cowering in shack after they have killed her daddy. Humans all bad and sadistic, except girl. She nice.

Head ape is Caesar, played by human actor Andy Cerkis with apologies to Jesus Christ. Caesar is good leader. Captured by bad humans, he is put up on a cross, in case you missed the Christ angle.

Some apes speak English, only no articles. Talk like this. Or else just grunt and breathe heavy, their native tongue.  Caesar has best friend ape name Maurice. Excuse me? An orangutan named Maurice?  Who named these guys?

To sum up, War for the Planet of the Apes is a total waste of your time and a lot of people's money. Besides the incredibly beautiful scenery, it has no redeeming qualities. It's a real dog. Woof. A bomb. I kept wanting to leave, but stayed just to see if it got worse. It did, so I was glad I stayed. Leaving the theater, Mitch turned to me and said, a note of exasperation in his voice, "I guess from now on I'll have to take a larger role in deciding what movies we see."