Francis, the cat, is frozen in place, trying to come up with an answer.

Cat: Um… Amelia? Amelia! Dear, when did you get here?

Amelia is unresponsive, just gives Francis the death glare.

Cat: Amelia?
Amelia: what did you do?
Cat: Nothing…

Amelia: Oh you did something alright! Your tail is up in the air!
Cat: Excuse me?
Amelia: You´re too happy! Spill it, what did you do?

Cat: I didn´t do anything. My tail is its usual self, cute and extra fluffy.
Amelia: Francis!

Francis, the cat takes a chance and nears Amelia, but she´s not convinced.

He stops halfway.

Cat: I´m telling you the truth. I didn´t do anything.
Amelia: Right!

Cat: Dear, that cold stare you´re sending my way is giving me the chills.
Amelia: consider yourself lucky that´s all it’s giving you.
Cat (nervous laugh): ha, ha…

Amelia starts to walk towards Francis, slowly. One foot in front of the other, like a predator about to pounce on its prey.

Francis swallows in dry, petrified. He needs to come up with an excuse, fast.

Cat: Am…
Amelia (interrupting): I heard you Francis…

She starts circling him.

Amelia (cont.): you said: “Amelia better not find out…”
Cat: Did I now?
Amelia: yes, I heard you.

From the corner of the room, someone is watching the two, highly entertained.

The Pen, enjoying the “show”.

Pen: Ha! How´re you going to get out of that fur ball?

Cat: well… I can´t tell you.
Amelia: What? Why the hell not?
Cat: Because I can´t.

Amelia: Francis, you´re really testing my patience here. Little clue pussycat, I don´t have a lot of it!
Cat: Had noticed.

Amelia: you met another female, didn´t you?
Cat (pretending to be outraged): What? Of course not! Where did you get that idea from?
Amelia: you reek of other cats.

Cat (relaxes): well, that´s normal.
Amelia: Normal? How´s that normal?
Cat: I was out.
Amelia: Doing what exactly?

Cat: just out. I met some of the cats from the neighborhood and chatted for a bit.
Amelia: you chatted?
Cat: yes, I talk to people.
Amelia: people?

Cat: Other cats.
Amelia: cats aren´t people, you idiot!
Cat: I know that. It’s just an expression.
Amelia: it’s a dumb expression.

Cat: anyways, I walked around and met some of the cats that live around here.
Amelia: You mean females, don´t you? Are you cheating on me Francis?

Cat: what? O course not! Look, I met some cats and to be completely honest, I have no idea if they were male or female. I mean, they had lots of fur and well, their smell wasn´t exactly the best.

Amelia (twisting her nose in disgust): Neither is yours.
Cat: what?

Amelia gives him a disgusted look.

Francis tries to smell himself.

Cat (disgusted): oh dear…
Amelia: anyways… Francis, do you really think that I believe you when you say you can´t tell the two apart?

Cat: What two?
Amelia: Male and female!
Cat: How am I supposed to do that? It’s not like I have a habit of going around smelling other cat´s butts. I´m not a dog Amelia…

Amelia´s speechless.

Cat (cont.): … plus, that´s just gross.

Amelia: then what the hell did you mean when you said I better not find out?
Cat: what part of you not finding out don´t you get?
Amelia: Francis! My patience is running thin with you. Spill it!

Cat: your birthday´s next month isn´t it?
Amelia: so? What does…? (realizes) Oh, oh… does that mean you´re planning a surprise?
Cat: No.

Amelia: what do you mean no?
Cat: I was planning a surprise, but now there´s no surprise to be made. You found out so no more surprise.

Amelia: why not?
Cat: because you found out. It wouldn´t be much of a surprise now would it?
Amelia: But…

Cat: No buts! Next time don´t be so suspicious.
Amelia: I´m sorry.

Amelia walks towards Francis and nudges him in the head.

She starts to get dizzy due to the smell.

Amelia: Francis?
Cat: yes dear?
Amelia: you stink!

Cat: I know.
Amelia: but I love you anyways.
Cat: really?
Amelia: yes. But please…

Cat: what?
Amelia: go take a bath.
Cat: yes, yes. Bye.
Amelia: Bye.

Amelia and Francis part ways, going in opposite directions.

The Pen is watching by, entertained.

Francis walks over to it.

Pen: Nicely played.
Cat: Thank you.
Pen: are you really planning a surprise for her birthday?

Cat: apparently!
Pen: you don´t have a clue as to when her birthday is, do you?
Cat: No.

Pen: but you said…
Cat: I took a shot in the dark.
Pen: looks like it hit target.

Cat: yeah. What the hell am I going to do now?
Pen: Pray.
Cat (clueless, barely listening): yeah, pray… that´ll… what?

Pen: Ha! Ha! Ha! Good luck Francis! You´re going to need it.
Cat: I´m screwed…

The end!

2017_Joana Teixeira