Dear Scrabble Bigwigs,

Look up the definition of “trying too hard” and you know what you’ll find? Trick question. Nothing, because it’s a phrase, not a word. But what SHOULD be there is a big fat picture of you.

See also: “thirsty,” “eager,” and “a little pathetic.”

We get it. Living in the shadow of today’s games must be tough, trying to stay relevant with the youth while you’re the most popular game at every nursing home across the country. But someone needs to tell you, and those someones may as well be us. The spastic teenage vernacular that you recently added to your official dictionary in a feeble attempt to be cool is coming off as desperate.

Sure, some people say things like “facepalm,” “emoji,” and “chillax.” But does that make said words authentic Scrabble material? No, sir. At least not to the upstanding folks sorting their tiles around MY Scrabble table. 

Apparently though, it’s good enough for the neeeeeeew Scrabble. Have a little respect for yourself. And if not for you, for real Scrabble fans everywhere.

We can imagine how it all went down. Some millennial in your Marketing Department convinced the higher-ups it was a good idea. “Let’s appeal to Gen Z,” they said. “Those blowhards over at Words With Friends are already doing it. Let’s beat them at their own game!”

Just… no.

We won’t go so far to say that adding the word “puggle” (which you did) is going to cause the rapid decline of the English language and Scrabble society as we know it (which it will). But have you ever thought about the other words, the real words, that could end up sharing board space with “puggle?” Beautiful triple word scores like, “quixotry,” “syzygy,” or “oxyphenbutazone?” They didn’t ask for this. None of us did.

Consider this letter foreshadowing. You’re one puggle away from slumming it with the ranks of Cards Against Humanity. Speaking of which, don’t get any ideas about adding the words “micropenis” or “queef.” 

A wise man, who probably used to work at Scrabble, once said, “Ain’t ain’t a word so I ain’t gonna use it ’cause it ain’t in the Scrabble dictionary.” Same goes for “hangry.” 

Yeah, you added that word too.

Sent with the elitist of intentions,

Scrabble fans and English majors everywhere

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