Local Bible Study Group Makes Historical Discoveries

 "Jumping Rope for Jesus," the name of a local Bible study group, have been meeting for years but never thought they, themselves, would making history.

"Our Sunday and Wednesday study sessions are very serious and typically consisted of donuts, Amy Grant, giggles, and passing judgement on other religions and life-styles, but this past week we made some eye-opening discoveries," Samantha Jones lamented. 

"Yeah! Amazingly, we can't read or understand a lick of ancient biblical languages, you know like, Aramaic, Greek, or Latin.  I guess it's because we are chosen ones. Or, maybe 'something' might have accidentally fallen into the grape juice that opened our third-eye," Anthony Barabag said sheepishly.

"I wouldn't use the word epiphany, as I don't know what that means, but think, like, the word 'magical' best describes our discoveries," Barabag glowered.

"All of our discoveries were 'magical' except for one," a shaken Pamela Winston recalls.  When pressed to tell what happened, Ms. Winston hesitated for a few minutes, then explained, "Well, when we turned to The New Testament, there was  some handwritten ancient text telling us to turn to page 1130.  And like good Christians, we mindlessly obeyed."

Ms. Winston continued, "On page 1130, it told us to find the John 3:13, which we did.  Then in John 3:13, it told us to go to page 201."  Under hypnosis, Winston remembered this went on for weeks, until the group hit a dead-end.

"When we got to the last set of instructions, we flipped the page to discover someone had scribed a set of buttocks with an annotation containing 'Kiss It!,'" Barabag interrupted.  "It left us empty, puzzled, and scared!  Was this a doomsday prophecy? I guess we'll need to leave that to the true scholars."

Other discoveries uncovered by "Jumping Rope for Jesus" include:

• The blind man was not actually possessed by demons, but was suffering from myopia.  Jesus' sponsorship with Lens Crafters got the man back on track and reading "The Red Sea Gazette" the very next day.
• Jesus and the 12 disciples were more of an annoying fraternity, known for epic hazing and pranks. "Baptism in the Jordan River" was one such prank, which consists of one of the disciples dipping another's sleeping hand into a bucket of water. Fortunately, this practice didn't catch on in modern church practices.
• The miracle at the wedding at Cana was pretty impressive, but the ungracious guests complained they wanted more of a Merlot and not that "cheep Nazarene crap."  Jesus threatened to change the beverage into Gatorade until "attitudes improved."
• When Jesus calmed the Sea of Galilee, he was not just doing it to fortify Peter's faith but to find a set of keys for his jet-ski, which went missing the night before.
• The Romans were a bunch of assholes...and still are.