In light of a recent Associated Press poll that showed Elementary School Yearbook Sales are at a record low in this country, some students have had to get creative with how they sell their material. The solution? One entrepreneurial 4th grader thinks the key is appealing to a different crowd.
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"We needed to expand our target demographics in order to boost sales numbers," says Stevie Jenkins, the brilliant marketing guru who came up with idea that made his School dozens of dollars. "It's really quite simple: we saw an untapped group of buyers who were not being contacted."
That group? Pedophiles.
That group? Pedophiles.
"It was one of my classmates who first noticed the creepy old men hanging about behind the jungle gym––offering us candy, puppies, and whatnot."
So what did Stevie do? He started talking to those creepy guys on the Playground. "All the other pussies in the school-yard were too scurred to get their hands a little dirty and make some sales. I just said to myself, 'Fuck it, somebody's gotta do it.'"
The pedophiles latched onto the idea immediately because they saw the yearbooks as a certifiable "Who's who" of potential playground prey. "I thought, 'If I could only match a name to a face, I could snipe these kids so much easier," says Corduroy Crabtree, one shameless pedophile who purchased a yearbook from Stevie. "My success rate has gone through the roof and straight into the attic, never to be heard from again."
The results of Stevie's initiative have been staggering: yearbook sales for his school have jumped from 293 per year (exactly 1 for every student) to nearly 315. That may not seem like a big increase, but when you consider that every one of those new purchases is from a child predator, you realize that about 20 pedophiles is a lot of pedophiles. Enough for them to organize ice cream socials to sign each other's year books.
The pedophiles latched onto the idea immediately because they saw the yearbooks as a certifiable "Who's who" of potential playground prey. "I thought, 'If I could only match a name to a face, I could snipe these kids so much easier," says Corduroy Crabtree, one shameless pedophile who purchased a yearbook from Stevie. "My success rate has gone through the roof and straight into the attic, never to be heard from again."
The results of Stevie's initiative have been staggering: yearbook sales for his school have jumped from 293 per year (exactly 1 for every student) to nearly 315. That may not seem like a big increase, but when you consider that every one of those new purchases is from a child predator, you realize that about 20 pedophiles is a lot of pedophiles. Enough for them to organize ice cream socials to sign each other's year books.
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But Stevie hasn't done it all on his own; he's had help to recruit these men in record numbers. "Yeah, we had some tricks to use," says Makayla Jennings, one of Stevie's sales associates in 5th grade, regarding their techniques in flipping the script and luring pedophiles to children. Sexual predators would be likely to use candy, puppies, or internet chatrooms to hit their marks, but Stevie's team used their own preferred ways of getting to their targets.
"We were each given a small amount of cigarettes, Mad Dog 20/20, and single serving frozen dinners to bring pedophiles into the playground," says Makayla. "We was like 'shit looks like World War I rations in this joint.' But it worked."
It sure has.
The elementary school is now on the lookout for more marketing ideas and the 12 children who have gone missing since April.
"We were each given a small amount of cigarettes, Mad Dog 20/20, and single serving frozen dinners to bring pedophiles into the playground," says Makayla. "We was like 'shit looks like World War I rations in this joint.' But it worked."
It sure has.
The elementary school is now on the lookout for more marketing ideas and the 12 children who have gone missing since April.
