Urban India has a pretty sorted schooling system, what they call on par with the rest of the world. Over the course of 12 years, we are taught things that are expected to come in handy in day to day life, such as integral calculus, stalactite formation in glaciers, how to break the covalent bond in a hydrocarbon, the escape velocity of earth.

"Excuse me while I calculate acceleration required to overtake that bus in 24 seconds."

At the end of which, we are kicked out into the world and expected to function as semi-competent citizens of this country, electing governments, making a living, raising a family, and not posting retarded Facebook updates. In retrospect, it all seems to a bit too much to ask, because how can a man armed with a comprehensive knowledge of  linear algebra be expected to even cook an omlette for himself?

"If 1.5 chickens lay 1.5 eggs in 1.5 days and the no. of eggs/omlette is 3.14..."

When you think about it, school didn't teach us the really important stuff that we do need to get ahead in life. The little things that you just naturally assume you know, because they seem so easy that nobody bothered teaching you about it. It's sort of like taking a dump in the western shitter, we just assume everybody can do it. But then along comes that 1 dude who desi-shat all his life. He's probably seen western toilets before, but he doesn't really think about how to use one until he actually uses one.

"I got this, bro!"

Point being, there are certain life skills that society assumes we know, but we don't. So here, dear reader, in no particular order, are 4 important classes that got totally left out of the curriculum. 4 important classes that you most definitely were more important than organic fucking chemistry when it comes to leading even a moderately successful professional and personal life.


1. Basic Conviction Theory
Lab Session- Simulated Interviews, Business Conferences,Your Parents

You all know that 1 guy who barely scraped through the college papers but nailed every interview he landed. Deep down, I fucking hated that guy, and you probably did too. We felt the world was unfair for rewarding someone who did half the grunt work we did. But that rationalization is wrong- that guy did put in the time, only he used it to develop the fine art of conviction.

"When I snap my fingers, you will wake up and make me a job offer. Also, withdraw Krishnan's offer, he's a chutiya!"

Schools usually give us a sheltered upbringing, telling us that as long as you work hard, it'll pay off. It's easy for a kid to buy into this, and to go on believing it well into adulthood. The problem here is static interference. There's a lot of bullshit floating around in the mindwaves of human perception, and people automatically prefer the channel that is HD, has no chutiya commercials, and usually has smart content.

And boobs. Everyone loves a channel with boobs.

When people have a fuckload of channels to surf, they are not going to take not more than a minute before they decide to change the channel. So when people tune into you, your mouth channel needs to be airing your best program, the one with the best production quality, direction and critic's ratings. And that's what's going to keep them tuned in- conviction. Conviction, and not just knowledge, is what gets you places, whether at a job interview, over casual dinner table conversation, or even when trying to convince your girlfriend that threesomes are more common that she thinks.

"It's so common aaj kal, even your parents must be doing it."

2. Girling 101
Lab Session- Simulated Female Colleagues, Simulated Flirting

There's a big debate raging over sex education in India, because talking to a 16 year old girl about pregnancy is so much more worse than the 16 year old girl actually getting pregnant. But the way things are, it looks like we are in the wrong debate all together. BC what's the point of giving a guy sex ed when he's probably not going to be getting laid until he's married. And it's not due to lack of effort, because that's the only thing most guys ever think about. Sadly, most of us don't know how to go about even starting a conversation with a girl, let alone picking one up.

Although this pick-up method has 100% success rate.

In the absence of any guide, we look to that that bastion of logical thinking and common sense- good old Indian cinema. There's no way this could go wrong. If Govinda tells a girl "teri naani mari to main kya karoon", and it worked for him, then it's definitely going to work for you and me!

"So I heard your grandmother died. Let's go out tonight!"

Then there's the more cosmopolitan crowd who take their cues from How I Met Your Mother, not that it would work any better. Talking to girls isn't the hardest thing in the world, it just needs to cover some bare essentials like being polite, appearing safe and somewhat trustworthy. But without having anyone sit you down and tell you how to go about it, most people go through their entire lives without growing out of their social awkwardness.

"Madame I know a place with bigger kelas that you'll love to get in your mouth."

3. How to Roommate
Lab Session- Simulated Hostel, Simulated Marriage

Personal spaces and personal responsibilities. You grow up in a house where all that shit comes pre-defined, like cooking, laundry, cleaning etc., and you just go with the flow. Somehow, nobody tells you the expectations are different in different places, and sometimes those expectations are going to be pretty hard to understand.

Expectation- Don't masturbate on your roomy's laptop.

Co-living is like a game that you play with someone else, only nobody knows what the rules are. And the rules aren't decided until you're well into the game, but once they are set in place, then by God you better follow them like your life depended on it. A lot of people continue following the old rulebook that mummy-papa wrote, and why wouldn't they? Mummy-papa were smart and fair and the old rule book worked pretty well all those years, so why not now?

"Mummy says I don't have to wash my chaddis, so which one of you guys is washing them?"

Being room-mates is not easy shit. Just think of the choices you make everyday, There's a fuckload of variables in play- when to turn the lights off, when is it ok to play music on the speakers, when is it okay to bring over your girlfriend, how to deal with snoring, should the food bill be split 50-50 or apna-apna, how much of the shared hard disk should be used for porn...

All of it.

And the scope of this is not just college room-mates either. Think of marriage, which is basically being stuck with the same room-mate with the rest of your life. If you and your spouse haven't figured out the common rulebook that you're gonna play by, chances are you're going to lose the game over the most pointless chutiyapa. Too bad we didn't get any of these classes in school, but then, some of the most important lessons in life are learnt only when you no longer need them.


Note- Shout-out to Text and The City for resurrecting Stagg Mann and pushing him to start writing again. Wouldn't have done it otherwise.