_______I made a list of people who can kiss my a** and you are on it. Twice

 _______If you can't teach your friend's kid to say bad things, you need better friends.

 _______I call it love, she calls it stalking. Can't we just agree to disagree?

 _______I don't like people talking about be behind my back, unless he's really hot, calling my name and pulling my hair..

 _______I bought a smartphone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

 _______I bought a gun because I heard looks can kill, I need to defend myself from my ugly looking neighbors.

_______I'm not fat, I'm just big boned. Who am I kidding, I'm just glad my small brittle bones haven't broke under the weight of all this fat.

 _______You should be happy when there's a fat person on your flight. In cases of emergency we can be used as flotation devices.

 _______I like my kisses down low....

 _______I like to pretend my hand is yours when I'm touching myself.

 _______I'm going to eat her cat, if you know what I mean.

 _______I don't take crap from anybody because well if you handed me crap that's pretty gross....weirdo

 _______My father ran out on us when I was just a little girl. I suppose that's what happens when your mum marries a battery.

_______I reckon I can tolerate most anything ... but that caps lock thing has got to go.

_______BREAKING NEWS: I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I'm keeping it.

_______Ladies; you need to practice giving head frequently if you really wanna suckseed.

_______I have never seen so many people proud to have haters in all my life..

_______I hate it when people use the phrase "Back in my day."... It's just so "old school."

_______My mom don't understand me! My dad don't understand me! Even my sister don't........... oh wait! Wrong house! I don't have a sister.

_______Stealing statuses is the sincerest form of internet flattery. With that being said, I'm damn tired of flattering all of you people and nobody flattering me back!

_______Whatever gas tank quit your whining. I've been empty inside for years.

_______Kinda hard for me to tell anymore, if I'm on 'The Food Network Channel' or Facebook! :(

_______I want to find a girl who loves me for my money..... but doesn't understand math...

_______I'd imagine doing yoga is like changing your clothes in the backseat of a compact car.