To get that reference watch the first twenty seconds of this!

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Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"

Russ got to the coffee shop a little later than normal this morning, but he was able to sit at a table with a power outlet, and behind some old man, who was just sitting at a table.

After about a half hour, the old man started talking to himself.  Russ was sitting maybe four or five feet away from the man, but couldn't tell what he was saying, as the man was mumbling.  Then the man started yelling random nonsensical words and phrases.  Russ just watched with his headphones on.

A few minutes later a customer came up to the old man, put his hand on the old man's shoulder and told him to chill out, or someone was going to call the cops, and then left.

The old man continued to yell.

"IT'S UPSTAIRS, IT'S UPSTAIRS, THE WALL JOHN IS UPSTAIRS!"

What was this guys deal?  One of the managers at the coffee shop came up to the man, and said quietly...

"Listen, I can't have you yelling in here ok?  You're going to scare people away."

The manager also put his hand on the old man's shoulder.

"Ok?"
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!"

The manager jumped back a bit, and walked away scared.

Awhile later some kid came into the coffee shop with some fast food and sat in the corner up front.  The old man got up and walked over to the kid, and sat down.  From what Russ could see, it just looked like they were talking.

A few minutes went by, and the police walked in the shop, and walked past the old man who said...

"Oh someone called the cops, SOMEONE CALLED THE COPS!?"

The police went and talked to the manager, who pointed to the old man.  The police walked over to the old man and told him to step outside with them, so he did.  Minutes later the old man walked back inside and went up the kid eating fast food, the police followed him inside.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!"

The kid stood up in front of the old man.

"What'd I do?"

The old man raised his fist, and was about to attack the kid, when one of the officers threw the old man on the ground and cuffed him.  The kid stood there, looking scared.  The police drug the old man outside, and frisked him in the parking lot.  The kid sat back down by himself, and continued to eat his fast food.

"I didn't do anything!  I was just sitting here!!  I didn't do shit!!!"

Who are you talking to kid?  Twenty or so minutes later, the police and the old man were gone, and the coffee shop was at peace.

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The Prophet left early one morning to go to work, and since the kids had finally left the apartment, Russ thought he might be able to sleep in a couple more hours.  Ha ha right.  In your dreams Russ.

The Actor came into the room, and like any normal person Russ opened his eyes to see who had entered the room, Russ saw The Actor standing there holding a big case.

"Russ good you're awake."
"Uh... hey..."
"Every few weeks I teach an acting class..."
"Yea."
"...or as I like to call it, an "Acting Gym" because much like athletes go to the gym to work out, and become stronger, actors need to "work out" their acting skills see?"
"Ok..."
"Anyways I have one this afternoon, from 4 to 6, and I was wondering if you could film it, it'd be nice to have the actors be able to see how they do."
"Um... well... where's it at?"

The Actor pointed to the corner of the room where The Drug Dealer had been sleeping.

"Here?"
"Yea I move some things around, set up a couple chairs, and we do it here."
"Uh... okay... well... how many people are going to be here?"
"Last time we had... let's see... 8 or 9... 9... we had my four kids and then..."

The Actor held out his hand and started counting on his fingers...

"1-2-3-4-5... then there were 5 more kids besides mine."
"Ok... well if you promise to be done by 6, then yea, I can do it."
"Thank you man, thank you."
"So I'm going to shower, and go out, I'll be back by 3:30."
"Can you setup your camera before you go, in case you're not here."
"No, i'll be here."
"Well if you're not here, can I setup the camera?"
"I'll be here man, by 3:30... it's not til 4 right?"
"Right, but in case you're not here..."
"Man, i'm just going to be a block away, if I'm not here by 3:30 I've been killed."
"Aw, man, I hope that doesn't happen... you don't want to die, before accepting God's love."
"Right..."
"But just in case you're not here by 4, I can setup the camera?"
"Fine man, yes.  If I'm not here, it means I'm dead, and I hope that if I die, you'd maybe have bigger things to worry about than your acting class."
"Oh Russ, ha ha ha ha."

Russ left, and came back at 3:15, because he really didn't want The Actor touching his camera.

4 o'clock rolled around, the time the class was supposed to start, and The Actor told Russ to let the students in when they got here, and have them sign in.  He handed Russ a clip board with a piece of paper that had been ripped out of a notebook.  The Actor had written at the top of the paper, "Acting Gym Sign In Sheet"  and below that, "Name, Number, Email"  with shitty lines seperating columns.

The Actor was running the class, excuse me, gym and had even signed in.

"Would you mind signing in too Russ?"
"Really?  ...ok."

Russ put his name and phone number down, but a fake email address.

The Actor went into his room, and the first student showed up.  Russ told her to sign in, have a seat, and that The Actor would be out in a moment.  Russ was sitting down waiting, watching "How I Met Your Mother" on TV.  The girl signed in, took the remote off the table, and sat down.  She changed the channel to some dumb show on VH1.  Russ just finished setting up his camera.

A half hour after the gym was supposed to start, The Actor came out of his room and talked to the student.  A little while later a second student showed up.  The Actor seemed to know the two girls really well, like they might even be related somehow, cousins maybe.

For the next hour and a half, The Actor, and the two teenage girls read the same bible scripture over and over again, taking turns.  Here's what was read... or at least this is pretty close:

Girl: "Rabbi, we know that thou are a teacher cometh from God, but no man could doeth these miracles that God doeth besides God, be with him"

The Actor: "Verily, verily, I say unto thee, except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God."

Girl: "How can a man be born when he is old?  Can he enter the second time into his mother's womb, and be born?"

The Actor: "Verily, verily, I say unto thee, except a man be born of the water and of the spirit he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.  That is which born of the flesh, is flesh, and that which is born of the spirit, is spirit.  Marvel not what I said unto thee, you must be born again."

Good stuff right?  The girls, both of them, couldn't for the life of them pronounce the word "Rabbi" correctly.  Also, almost every time The Actor said the word "spirit" he'd make a hand motion of wind moving upwards, and make a blowing sound, like wind.  Russ had a considerably hard time trying not to laugh every time this happened.

Note:  I secretly uploaded the footage to my computer in the middle of the night while everyone was sleeping... I will upload a clip on Youtube and post the link here, when it's available.

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A week or so before he moved out, The Drug Dealer had informed Russ that he played drums in a band, and they had a show coming up that Russ should come to.  Russ told him he'd go.

Russ got a call one morning and The Drug Dealer told him the show was that night, and he needed Russ's full name to put on the guest list, and wanted to give Russ the address.  Later when Russ plugged the address into his phone, he found out the the club the show was at was a fucking hour away from where Russ was staying.

The night after filming the acting gym, Russ headed to the concert.  He got there early, and walked around for a bit.  When he got in front of the club, he saw The Drug Dealer who thanked him for coming, and told him that Russ was the only person who actually showed up.

As the band was setting up, The Drug Dealer asked...

"Hey Russ, you wanna film us play?"
"Oh uh... I didn't bring my camera."
"Oh it's okay, we brought one."

"God dammit."

"Okay, sure."

By the time the band started, and Russ started filming, there were 6 people in the audience, including Russ, and The Drug Dealer's girlfriend.  They started playing.

"You know that sound you're looking for?  Well... don't listen to this, this isn't it."

Forty-five minutes later the band was finished playing, and maybe two or three more people had shown up... probably to see the next band play.  Russ went up to The Drug Dealer and told him good job, handing the camera to him.  The Drug Dealer thanked him for coming and started loading his drum set into his car.  Russ left, and got back to the apartment an hour later.

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Coming up next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"

A new room mate?!?!
...and what's life like for The Drug Dealer now that he's moved out?  Find out next time!!