There will possibly come a time in your life when your beloved husband crashes the car the day after you have had $1,500 worth of repairs done to it...and before that day comes, he will need to be in the position of a Love so deep from you that you don't physically murder him on the spot... or while he's awake, at least. And for you to be in love that much the maths is simple- your husband just has to follow a few basic rules and he's set up for life.
See, it's purely simple. Now you have the key to a happy marriage, and we all know for you that means one thing: more sex... :D
written exclusively by Briohazard 11th January 2012
- Waking up to a hot rod shoved into your coxxyx is NOT sexy. It is primal and headache inducing. You will score a lot more respect if you ignore the little roll of fat hanging over my g-string and DON'T ignore the fact that I'm wearing sexy lingerie. Bonus points for remembering I wore it on our wedding night. That itself will instantly score one very hot steaming blow job. Take note.
- Support me at all times, no matter what. And by support I do NOT mean holding my breasts while I am doing the dishes. Or taking a shower. Or sleeping. I mean support my decision to paint the loungeroom orange by being enthusiastic and encouraging.... with a Smile on your face the whole time. Because as soon as that smile falters I will instantly know- even if I am facing a different direction, in a different country. Be warned. It will more than likely result in another blowjob, if you play your cards right. You can potentially recieve more than one a week.
- Cook tea every now and then... and by cooking tea I don't mean scorching BBQ steak in the frypan for 2 minutes and going to the deli to get chips. Experiment.. Google, or perhaps even look for a nice meal in my Recipe Book. I know you don't look in my recipe book, because "recipe book" would have to be the most epic title for my diary. Ever. Actually, on second thought... ten points for staying the fuck out of my kitchen.......
- When we go to the movie store it would be appreciated if you could choose a movie that doesn't involve either the word Jackie, or the word Chan. Or any swords, blood, zombies or guns. 100 points for grabbing Bridesmaids and not giving 'that look' to the cashier. Again, something so simple will more than likely end up with me making an effort in the bedroom that you will drool over and brag to your mates for years to come.
- DO NOT decide to shave/piss/poop/brush teeth/shower the same minute/hour/week I have finished scrubbing our bathroom whilst nearly knocking myself out with bleach. That one pubic hair on the floor is enough for me to bury myself in Facebook for a minimum of a week, bitching to my friends about what a miserable life I lead. The rule is null and void for every wife though.... if we decide that we need to do anything in there we are completely immune to any tantrum or excuse you throw at us. After all, we cleaned it.... it is our god given right to use it. A simple solution to this small problem is to clean the bathroom yourself.. if you do not agree with this please refer to rule #2
- If we happen to bring out candles on any occasion, and the kids are in bed/not home, we are basically testing you to INSTANTLY take note of our hair, makeup, clothes, shaved legs & sultry look. And you need to make a point of noticing. DO NOT ask if the power has gone out, and be all upset you can't play x-box. This in itself is perfectly reasonable grounds for divorce. If you happen to pass the test your regular sangers and mash could very well turn into T-Bone... and we know you love that position. (We actually purposefully withhold it from you for such tests as these.)
- Walk in the door with a smile everyday. Do not ask us what we have been doing... we quite obviously have done ALL of the housework, and the kids have managed to put the Exact same toys back in the exact same spots as they were lastnight and quite obviously I have used the exact same dishes for the exact same meal and put them in the exact same spot on the sink as lastnight aswell. Do not question this- it is a fact. And please, do not check the internet history.
- When I ask you to watch the children I am pretty much not asking, I am demanding. You have two options- you can either say yes and offer to clean the house whilst you're doing it, or you can say no and open yourself up to a tirade of blasphomy detailing every minute of every day the tedious jobs I have done, ever.....since the birth of your firstborn. The easier option is the former, although brownie points are scored for offering first. Try it... bet you get laid
- When we go to a friend house and I take my shoes off at their door, follow suit. Do not trample your dirty feet through their house. I would much rather hear you moan about the inconvenience of taking your shoes off afterwards, in the car on the way home then listen to my friend carry on about it for my entire future. Do as I do.. or don't come with. Which, you really don't have a choice about honestly. So just do as I do and noone gets hurt. Besides, it must be easier doing that than listening to me for weeks whining how you have no respect and incorporating it into every single thing you do no matter how mundane. Agreed?
- Do not compare me to anyone. I am me, and I most definately am not your mother. If you would like me to stroke your head whilst you are sick, I can, but it will be a full blunt force. And if you ever tell me your mothers cooking is better then mine, you risk being packed up into a tiny parcel and sent there with a gigantic red bow around it. You also risk me purposefully leaving weetbix on the table and dust everywhere the next time you mother visits.
See, it's purely simple. Now you have the key to a happy marriage, and we all know for you that means one thing: more sex... :D
written exclusively by Briohazard 11th January 2012
This post first appeared on Tantrums Of A Self Confessed Bitch, please read the originial post: here
