It is 6.53am on a Sunday Morning and I have a cat attached to my face. Literally.. like a crab claw on my nose. Apparently throwing kitty on me is my three year olds perfectly rational way of telling me she wants weetbix. A lovely tap on the shoulder and a cuddle obviously seems inconceivable to her. And, naturally, when I step out of bed my foot comes down (with all my weight I may add) onto the sharpest piece of lego known to man. For a full two seconds I stay on the damn thing contemplating admitting myself to a psych ward… but then pain overcomes me and I holler and carry on. The neighbours wouldn’t know any different- it’s definitely a Morning ritual here. My husband laughs- so I peg a thong at him narrowly missing his gleeful face.
Being a mum I have given up hot coffee, cold icecream, and basically my entire stomach and boobs. Gone are the tight abs and look-at-me bosom….. I now have an apron round my waist and teabags hanging off my chest. Gone are blissful nights snuggling up with the hubby and the impromptu social calls at whatever time I desire. My life now includes a wall painted with icing sugar, a laptop with no “E, J or 8″ keys, and a constant droning voice “What HAVE you done today sweetie? You didn’t have time to do the dishes??” (insert evil eyes from me and a detailed exaggerated run down of every possible chore I may or may not have done for the day to try and filter out the fact I have possibly been on Facebook for a few hours)
You see, I am just an average Australian mum, just like the rest of you; waking up to what people without kids would curl up in a ball and sob over. You know those people.. they are also the ones that have it All Figured Out. The perfect parents with answers for every possible situation.
They are the ones who give your kids red cordial at 7pm at night then wonder why on earth your darlings are playing “hide the cat food in the washing machine.” still at midnight, while you’re desperately trying to give your kids The Look and the “you wait til we get in the car” speech between gritted teeth. All whilst adamantly denying any naughty/hypo issues your children may have, because, of course, the Non Parent has all the answers and although we know deep down they may have a point we will never admit it to the Other Side.
We would rather put our hand through a mincer than admit to them that our children do not stick to their routine, that they haven’t had their piece of fruit or the day or that yes, they did poop in the middle of the kitchen just for fun.
Kids tend to have one ambition: Drive Mum Crazy. And most of the time they succeed through their angelic blonde hair and blue eyes. But I’m on a mission. No longer is it my aim to have my child read before the age of 6 months.. I am now just clinging onto Hope they will actually get up for school in time. Or brush their teeth without being asked, or possible come on a shopping trip to the local supermarket without asking the cashier if she has a mini or a willy. Yes, we’ve all been there haven’t we ladies!!
It’s funny, I had All The Answers eleven years ago when I had my firstborn. I was even sure I had a lawyer on my hands because he rolled over exactly 6.5 days before his peers… over time I have learnt it would be easier to train a monkey to perform brain surgery on the Queen from a remote location with no internet access. My ambition now is to bring my kids up so they are happy and confident. And don’t end up in jail, preferably. Hopefully.
Well, the table I could have- I think I gave myself tonsillitis from that little hiccup. But regardless, ask me what will make me happy? I-phone, I-touch, I-pad?? Nope not on your nelly! A 6 month supply of Iced Coffee will do Sir, and a good glass of Moscato in complete silence….. (aka kids not strangling each other for a MINIMUM of five minutes)…. quite enough time to skull the bottle and hide the evidence in the laundry where No Man Goes would be, in my book, the best thing since sliced bread.
So, like a true Aussie stay at home mum I will say it loud, and I will say it proud.. I swear to every man on this continent if I win this I will refrain from describing childbirth as akin to pushing a chandelier out of my nostril and stop comparing my labour to every affliction and illness you have….
…until I decide you have man flu again- I swear
(this was my competition entry I wrote for a website http://www.stayathomemum.net.au/ to win some omo, I didn't win it but they do have an awesome website, check them out)
written exclusively by Briohazard 21st December 2011
Being a mum I have given up hot coffee, cold icecream, and basically my entire stomach and boobs. Gone are the tight abs and look-at-me bosom….. I now have an apron round my waist and teabags hanging off my chest. Gone are blissful nights snuggling up with the hubby and the impromptu social calls at whatever time I desire. My life now includes a wall painted with icing sugar, a laptop with no “E, J or 8″ keys, and a constant droning voice “What HAVE you done today sweetie? You didn’t have time to do the dishes??” (insert evil eyes from me and a detailed exaggerated run down of every possible chore I may or may not have done for the day to try and filter out the fact I have possibly been on Facebook for a few hours)
You see, I am just an average Australian mum, just like the rest of you; waking up to what people without kids would curl up in a ball and sob over. You know those people.. they are also the ones that have it All Figured Out. The perfect parents with answers for every possible situation.
They are the ones who give your kids red cordial at 7pm at night then wonder why on earth your darlings are playing “hide the cat food in the washing machine.” still at midnight, while you’re desperately trying to give your kids The Look and the “you wait til we get in the car” speech between gritted teeth. All whilst adamantly denying any naughty/hypo issues your children may have, because, of course, the Non Parent has all the answers and although we know deep down they may have a point we will never admit it to the Other Side.
We would rather put our hand through a mincer than admit to them that our children do not stick to their routine, that they haven’t had their piece of fruit or the day or that yes, they did poop in the middle of the kitchen just for fun.
Kids tend to have one ambition: Drive Mum Crazy. And most of the time they succeed through their angelic blonde hair and blue eyes. But I’m on a mission. No longer is it my aim to have my child read before the age of 6 months.. I am now just clinging onto Hope they will actually get up for school in time. Or brush their teeth without being asked, or possible come on a shopping trip to the local supermarket without asking the cashier if she has a mini or a willy. Yes, we’ve all been there haven’t we ladies!!
It’s funny, I had All The Answers eleven years ago when I had my firstborn. I was even sure I had a lawyer on my hands because he rolled over exactly 6.5 days before his peers… over time I have learnt it would be easier to train a monkey to perform brain surgery on the Queen from a remote location with no internet access. My ambition now is to bring my kids up so they are happy and confident. And don’t end up in jail, preferably. Hopefully.
Well, the table I could have- I think I gave myself tonsillitis from that little hiccup. But regardless, ask me what will make me happy? I-phone, I-touch, I-pad?? Nope not on your nelly! A 6 month supply of Iced Coffee will do Sir, and a good glass of Moscato in complete silence….. (aka kids not strangling each other for a MINIMUM of five minutes)…. quite enough time to skull the bottle and hide the evidence in the laundry where No Man Goes would be, in my book, the best thing since sliced bread.
So, like a true Aussie stay at home mum I will say it loud, and I will say it proud.. I swear to every man on this continent if I win this I will refrain from describing childbirth as akin to pushing a chandelier out of my nostril and stop comparing my labour to every affliction and illness you have….
…until I decide you have man flu again- I swear
(this was my competition entry I wrote for a website http://www.stayathomemum.net.au/ to win some omo, I didn't win it but they do have an awesome website, check them out)
written exclusively by Briohazard 21st December 2011
This post first appeared on Tantrums Of A Self Confessed Bitch, please read the originial post: here
