I sprint to the water's edge, hiding my beer belly behind my Mermaid Body Board.

Actually, it is important to note that this is not, in fact, my Mermaid Body Board. It is LittleImpA's Body Board. My choice consisted of either that, or LittleImpB's Bambi Body Board.
I think this kind of decision is called being 'between a Disney Body Board and the deep blue sea'.

We both (Mermaid Body Board and I) crash into the sea.

It is freezing!

We both crash back again, whimpering, before realising complete immersion to the neck is necessary in order for me to conceal my portliness and thus pose as a Beach Babe.

Gasping, I wade deeper, Mermaid Body Board in tow.

"Bloody'ell,bloody'ell,bloody'ell", I wheeze, wetly. The goosebumps I am sporting are creating increased drag and therefore cause me to burn off an extra 5 or 6 calories. Silver lining duly noted.

I can see Imp a long way off, relaxing in a beach chair, reading a novel and not looking at all impressed by my Beach Babeness. That was not part of the deal! She is supposed to stand on the beach and watch me at all times, waving enthusiastically at me whenever I look in her direction and shouting encouragement. How selfish of her to think only of herself while guarding my clothes and belongings.

Speaking of waves, I turn around and look for one, ready to begin my Body Boarding Experience.

There aren't any waves!

The sea is almost completely still. How curious! I am surrounded by loads and loads of no waves. Bloody-mindedly, the sea (powerful, terrifying, untamed by Man or Canute alike) continues to lap gently upon the shoreline.

Bollox.

Every face on the beach seems to be turned my way, scrutinising me in fascination, wondering what I am planning to do with my Mermaid Body Board. I notice that not a single other person in the sea has a board. They are all watching me too. The entire half-mile of beach falls strangely silent.

Imp turns a page, noisily.

I clutch my Mermaid Body Board and try to look cool.