You’ve all seen the headline many times in travel adverts or articles by travel writers – ‘Come to the real Spain’ or ‘Visit the real France’ or ‘Now enjoy the real Italy’. In today’s paper I saw another one, ‘Visit the real Greece’. No thanks, I’ve tried it. But I wouldn’t mind visiting the unreal Greece. Which would be a Greece where –

The food served in the tavernas is hot, rather than something that had made its way from the kitchen to your table via the North Pole.

You can walk around town without your nose being assaulted by the stink of drains every few minutes.

They don’t have at least 120 different spellings of the word hamburger. Three examples I’ve seen are humbleburger, harmburger and hambugger, which although misspellings were spot on accurate as to the quality of the hambugers in question.

Power cuts are the national sport.

You can walk past a restaurant without being accosted by a young Greek who is far better-looking than you who implores you to step inside for ‘many of our lovely foods’ and won’t take no for an answer.

You can dine outside with being up to the arse in stray cats.

You can put used crap paper down the toilet instead of having to put it in a bin overflowing with other used crap paper.

There is a sporting chance of getting hot water in a reasonable quantity when you turn on the hot water tap.

They have plugs for the sinks, so you don’t have to fashion one out of rolled up crap paper which you have to drop in a bin of used crap paper because you can’t flush it down the toilet when you’ve finished with it.

You can’t hear exactly the same bouzouki music playing everywhere you go.

Cockroaches are regarded as pets.

I’m sure there are many more examples of the real Greece but I have to stop now to cook a moussaka for dinner. Take a gallon of olive oil……

Visit Sawyer the Lawyer at lawyerblog.org for all you legal problems – and quite a few of his own.