Today I went to a funeral. I cried a lot and now my eyes are all puffy. Suffice it to say, this was not a great day. There is no bluebird on my shoulder and nothing is satisfactual at all. On days like this, when I’m all despondent and sniffly, I get out my secret weapon: Winnie. He’s my Winnie the Pooh teddy bear, although when I was little I could not fathom why anyone would possibly name anything “The Pooh”. So Winnie it is.
Winnie The Pooh is one of my favorite Disney movies. I just plain love Disney, but not that gross new Hannah Montanna Banana Fanna Fo Fanna kind of Disney—I’m talking about the classics. I was very happy with the new animated Movie, The Princess and the Frog. I think I liked it just as much as Aladdin or The Little Mermaid or whatever.
The Princess and the Frog had sort of a weak romance, but very nice songs, adorable characters, and gorgeous art. The one who played the lead girl, Tianna, was apparently somebody in Dreamgirls. The only thing that got in the way of the movie’s awesomeness would have to be the fact that for the majority of the film, both male and female leads were amphibians.
It was really an animal love story. But since both animals were humans trapped in animal bodies... does that somehow make it a bestiality thing? Am I right, Internet? Think about that. No matter what he becomes, you have just made out with a frog.
Just sayin’.
Speaking of which, they made such a big deal about the first black Disney princess. And she was black... for like fifteen minutes or so before she turned into a frog. Nice.
I like to rag on Disney, but to be honest, I think if I could live anywhere it would have to be Disneyworld. That place is amazing.
My favorite thing to do in Disneyworld is the Tower of Terror ride. There’s even a video that they show right before the ride starts that has The Twilight Zone’s opening theme.
Watch these or I will go all The Ring on you.
I always have this urge to regress and act like a little kid when I go there.
What? The Bippidy Boppidy Boutique looks fun.
For the time being I will have to content myself with wearing the ears and/or a tiara. And maybe buying a couple of wands.
Light-up wands. Naturally.
My problem is that I get very naïve and start to think that the sweaty big-headed costume people at the parks are really the embodiments of my favorite cartoon characters and so I get, like, five hugs from them until they are probably contemplating a call to security to remove the special needs woman from the premises. “C’mon, lady. Let the Make A Wish kids have a turn-” “In a minute, in a minute!”
Maybe it will make me feel better by talking about why it is so difficult for me to pick a favorite animated Disney movie--they all have something wrong with them that prevents them from being perfect. I already told you about Princess and the Frog. Now, as I do with most everything I love, I will make fun of Disney.
A LIST OF MY DISNEY MOVIE REPETOIR (with commentary)
*Winnie the Pooh:
A very, very cute movie, but slightly depressing when you factor in the whole Toy Story 2 scenario where Christopher Robin will grow up and leave his old buddies behind .
"Narrator: And so we come to the last chapter, in which Pooh and Christopher Robin go to the enchanted part of the forest, and we say goodbye.
Winnie the Pooh: Goodbye? Oh, no please. Can't we just go back to page one and start all over again?
Narrator: Sorry, Pooh, but all stories have an ending, you know.
Winnie the Pooh: Oh, bother." --Did you hear that, kids? Eventually you have to say goodbye to your childhood, get old, and die! Yay!
*Lady and the Tramp:
Not a lot really happens for such a long movie. Adorable, nonetheless. One day I will buy a cocker spaniel and name her "Lady". I totally will.
*The Little Mermaid:
A teenager essentially gives up her family, life, and metaphorical soul (her deal w/ the devil aka Ursula) for a man who still initially doesn’t want much to do with her. But that’s okay! Even if he begrudgingly chooses her over a hotter, evil sea witch! And only when said witch almost eats him. Or something like that (I haven’t seen it in a while).
*The Lion King:
They killed Mufasa. I will never forgive you, Disney. NEVER. I like to rewind the tape and pretend that he gets back up.
*The Hunchback of Notre Dame:
So you find out that no matter how beautiful you are on the inside, the pretty girl will always, ALWAYS choose the hot guy with the abbs and the goatee. Speaking of which, goats kind of frighten me, so strike two right there.
You're welcome for the nightmares.
*Aladdin:
A guy bases his relationship with a woman on lies and she decides to love him anyway because he has that whole lovably impish rascal thing going on. Or maybe she just digs vests. Who am I to say? But can we please TALK about Genie’s hair? Rat. Tail.
*Snow White:
This chick straight up gives me a migraine. What is there even to say about this movie? Stupid broad eats creepy lady’s apple and enters coma, causing many short people to be upset and stop singing jaunty tunes. She waits in a state of near death for a man to save her through sexual harassment. The only upside was when they went all gangta on the queen and pushed her off a cliff. A bit gruesome for a kid’s movie, but I guess it’s still better than the original Grimms' Fairy Tale ending of Cinderella where the happy singing birds peck out the stepsisters’ eyes...
...which brings us to...
*Cinderella:
The parts with Cinderella in it were entertaining and magical and all, but whenever they went to the bits with the king, prince, mice, etc., I started to fall asleep. It has the most underrated songs, though. They are all wonderful and nobody even remembers them except for maybe Bippidy Boppidy Boo, the song you can only hum because the words are so incomprehensible that it is humanly impossible to sing it. It's true. There have been studies.
*Beauty and the Beast:
How can anybody consider this a love story? The guy is a man inside, paws or no paws. He basically keeps Belle as an almost-but-not-quite slave, verbally abuses her, refuses to feed her and all this after kidnapping and close to killing her dear old daddy... and then she realizes that it’s okay because he doesn’t mean to be a controlling jerk and is actually a really nice guy! He does get a little free with his claws when you give him too much catnip, however.
*Alice in Wonderland:
Cute and whimsical, the only thing that bugs me is Alice’s voice. Whine whine whine. She's not a great singer, either. It’s the same one as Wendy in Peter Pan (which I won’t even list because I really don’t like any of the characters or their voices or the art and besides which is boring as well as racist--“What makes the red man red”? Really, guys?).
Disney actually used the same actors a lot. Alice’s chesure cat was Winnie the Pooh (and Amos Mouse in that cute movie, Ben and Me) while the white rabbit was Piglet.
Honorable Mentions: Some great animated non-Disney movies from my childhood include Anastasia (I know! It was actually Warner Bros), The Swan Princess, The Corpse Bride (a tad macabre but technically animated and anything by Tim Burton can’t be bad), various Madeline movies, Peter Rabbit, the Scooby Doo and Alvin and the Chipmonks movies (especially the Halloween ones), Angelina Ballerina, The Scary Godmother, Cats Don’t Dance, any Muppets movie ever (while they were technically bought by Disney, I don't really consider them to be Disney), Olive the Other Reindeer (mod, nouveau art with voice by Drew Barrimore), An American Tail.
I still feel sad. Making fun of Disney didn't really help, and now their secret agents will come in the night and slit my throat. Disney (and Oprah) frequently do that sort of thing, one would imagine.
If I don't get murdered by a sequined assassin of Disney, I wonder if I could rent a wing of the Cinderella castle until the housing market improves. Then I can buy the whole thing. But when I do live at Disneyland, Internet, I will be sure to invite you over for tea. We could drink it in the spinning teacups (athough there might be some scaldings). Maybe, if the mood strikes us, we can have the Snow White actresses battle to the death with pointy magic wand switchblades. They probably have them at the gift shops (they have everything at the gift shops, including sparkly novelty Polio vaccinations). The winner gets Fast Passes to the Rockin’ Roller Coaster.
C'mon, now. You know it's worth a little bloodshed.
~Steffi~
