Okay, so there are a lot of things I want to do with my life. Take over the world with my bloodthirsty band of cyborg minions? Check. But that one's for another day.
Realistically, I have some other stuff I feel the need to accomplish. She writes as she sits on the couch eating chips, still wearing her pajamas and watching the What Not To Wear marathon (and probably getting bedsores from not moving for hours). Mine is a charmed life.
MY TO DO LIST
#1. Be a work of art. Hey, if I can't MAKE it, why can't I BE it? And it's possible! The pictures below are actually real people that were painted on to look two dimensional. All I need to do is kidnap artist Alexa Meade. I... mean... hire... her. Yes... hire...
She can sleep in a bathtub cage (a bathtub with a giant birdcage welded over the top... patent pending). Everybody wins!
#2. Learn to figure skate.
See? No sweat.
Well, okay, the last time I went ice Skating I got so many bruises that people thought a big bald guy named Tiny had attacked me with a baseball bat.
They're always named "Tiny".
But it would be so FUN. I mean, like, SO AMAZINGLY FUN. Don't believe me, eh, Internet? That's why I have evidence (I didn't watch Legally Blond thirty-three times to be bested at lawyeringlyness by the likes of you).
EVIDENCE THAT FIGURE SKATING WOULD BE AMAZINGLY FUN:
"Wheee"! + nice lighting scheme = SO MUCH FUN. Thank you, Your Honor... and for my NEXT witness I call a pre nose job Jennifer Grey to the stand...
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Figure skating would be exactly, EXACTLY like Dirty Dancing. Now, where's Zombie Swayze? And I will require a watermelon, Mr. Bailiff.
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It looks so effortless. I could totally do that. Maybe.
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Go ahead, Internet. I dare you to tell me that this did not spring to your mind when I brought up the Subject. And you know what they had besides crazy shenanigans? SO MUCH FUN.
Plus the costumes are always so glamorous and cute!
With some exceptions.
I rest my case.
#3. Live in a castle.
A hotel like the four star Clontarf Castle Hotel in Dublin, Ireland, for instance.
Ain't it pretty?
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This whole princess Complex stems from my never getting a Canopy Bed as a little girl. I never even got a pony (I was quite a deprived child).
And speaking of Canopy beds...
#4. Get a fancy shmancy canopy bed (curtain optional but preferred).
#5. Do the Mentos-Diet-Coke-explosion thing. When I do, I've got to get me one of these.
The geyster tube controls it so you won't get all drenched. And now, gratuitous shots of soda explosions!
Awww yeah. That's how we do it, son.
Buy it here --> http://www.firebox.com/product/1797/Steve-Spanglers-Geyser-Tube?currency_conversion=1&aff=512&awc=550_1270268422_336c9dc67ea5da11f19be8ac84e61a39
#6. Buy (or rent) my very own moon bounce.
A Titanic moonbounce!... Too soon?
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A-nom-nom-nom-nom.
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PRINCESS COMPLEX. I think I just found the solution to #3.
#7. Win the Miss World pageant! What? What is wrong with that? I'm beautiful. My Mommy told me so. Even though I have exactly zero Pageant experience besides watching (and being mildly disgusted by) Toddlers in Tiaras on the TLC channel... I think I could really pull it off with, like, some duct tape or whatever.
A lot...
...of...
...duct...
...tape.
So! Getting off the subject of my apparent horrible ugliness... the final thing I can think of (actually I can think of way more but this stupid thing has taken a lot of time)... is...
#8. GET ONE OF THESE ADORABLE LITTLE MONKEYS!
It is a necessary expense--maybe even a tax deduction. I will train my monkey to be a wise-cracking crime-fighting sidekick that will help me make the streets of Stefmanistan a safe place for Amish everywhere. That is, until he betrays me and forces me to wreak my revenge on all of mankind (except the Amish. They work so darn hard on those barns, I would feel kinda mean burning them down). And then the world domination plan comes into play, see?
It's times like these that I very greatly wish I had an evil mustache to twiddle.
~Steffi~
