Life is full of choices and that's fine by me. Some people choose to be gay whilst others straight (I know there's a third option here but I was trying to make it read better) Some people choose to drink, smoke or take drugs and some people don't. Like I said, there are choices to be made.

One raging debate that I often find myself sticking my nose into is the never ending question of meat consumption - and if we should still be eating animals.

If you're unsure where I stand on this then we've clearly never met and you've come here by mistake looking for someone else's blog. Yes, I eat meat. I eat lots of meat.

Do I feel bad about eating animals? Well, yes and no. Cows and sheep I don't tend to feel bad about - nobody wants cows lumbering about the place and getting in the way and sheep, well there's something suspicious about sheep as it is so I'll happily chow down on those.

I tried being a vegetarian but I was one of those crap vegetarians that needed to swap out the meat in my diet with stuff that's a little like meat. This stuff was usually Quorn and that's actually OK by me. Some things however you just cannot replace - like steak or bacon. Oh they tried to replace bacon. They tried and they failed. I mean, did you ever see that fake bacon that was shaped like insoles? Who's idea was that?

The second Smiths album was called 'Meat is Murder' as Morrissey is a militant vegetarian. He's also a right fucking misery though so perhaps the occasional pork chop might cheer him up a bit. Who knows?

Anyways, this blog isn't about the moral implications of meat eating. I'm not trying to prove my point here, I can't be bothered. It's a fight I can't win when my best argument is generally 'It tastes good' - even a disinterested schoolchild can defeat that level of reasoning. And besides, all that blah blah about evolution and the food chain just slows me down on the way to getting a burger so here's something else.

This is... wait for it... the most awesome meat related stuff I could find on the net!* Because, well, I love meat. I mean I actually love it.

But not like this guy...


And for anyone not familiar with the awesomeness that is Preacher (seriously, why the fuck are you here?) the above picture is of meat tycoon Odin Quincannon. If you can't work out why he's stripped down to his undies in a room full of meat then you should go read the book.

Anyways...

1. Do you like bacon? Do you like mayonaise? Then, chances are you'll love this dubious invention from the America's: Baconnaise.

It's not actually made from bacon (which I guess means I shouldn't have included it but it made me laugh so... here it is in all it's glory.



2. I like that TV show 'Man versus Food' the host (Adam Richman) is a funny guy and I can actually listen to him talking about food without wanting to slap the taste out of his mouth. He finds the sort of burgers that I dream about. I'm not kidding, I dream about burgers. Is it a wonder I got fat?

Here's a dream burger:


That's the Thurman Burger - It's from a place called the Thurman Cafe. I'll wager it's owned by a guy named Thurman. Apparently they can make amazing burgers but are shit at naming things.

As well as the actual burger this bad boy boasts: ham, mozzarella, american cheese, lettuce, tomato, mushrooms, sauteed onions, pickle, peppers, and mayo with chips and a pickle spear.

You need to be able to stretch your jaw like a snake or something to take a bite of that but it would be worth the pain. Probably.

3. The sausage is dubiously shaped minced meat, wrapped in stuff you don't want to think about and then cooked. Sounds haggard but the sausage, my learned friends, is a win.

After World War 2 (that's the one in colour) the Germans had a pretty shit reputation and so, in order to make people forget about the whole unpleasant business, they set about perfecting 2 things - beer (which is good) and sausage (which is better) - happy days.

The upside to sausages is that they taste good and are easy to eat. They downside is they are made from ingredients that can really only be accurately described as 'other stuff'... that, and they are shaped a bit like nobs. Yes, the correct word is phallic - I know this. I just wanted to say nobs because it was funnier.


Whilst this woman may have a stellar career ahead of her in the porn industry, I would be very upset if she came to my house and ate all my hotdogs at once like that. Even if she did it in a sexy way with some soft lighting and jazz playing in the background.

4. In 1993, rotund rock legend Meatloaf (real name Morris Eatloaf**) released a single entitled 'I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)' - a song I assumed was about anal.

Meatloaf is also a food. And it isn't very popular in the UK as it looks absolutely revolting however, just for you I have tracked down the (supposedly) best meatloaf recipe ever. You know, in case you wanted to make it or something.

Here it is:

2 eggs
2/3 cup milk
3 slices bread
1/2 cup chopped onion
4 oz of shredded cheese
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon of black pepper
1 1/2 lean ground beef

TOPPING:
1/2 cup tomato sauce
1/2 cup brown sugar

That is from a site called cooks.com and they should know the 'Best Ever Meatloaf' when they see it. What worries me is the part when it lists '1 1/2 of lean ground beef' without telling you what it's being measured in. To be on the safe side I opted for metric tons.


This photo is of the singer Meatloaf. I imagine he has just been served meatloaf that wasn't 'The Best Ever' and so he is now going to pen a 15 minute rock ballad about his crushing disappointment.

5. My final meaty entry on this voyage of discovery is the kangaroo. I ate kangaroo, it's nice. I was in a Walkabout that had the most unfortunate painting of a kangaroo on the wall. For some reason whoever had painted it had given it what looked like a giant pair of testicles. I'm not saying kangaroos have small testicles but when you're biting into a burger made from one, the last image you want in your head is of a giant, swaying pair of kangaroo balls.

Anyway, you're probably asking how come kangaroo meat counts as amazing? (That or you're asking why the hell you're reading this) Because of the daft bastard that works for Macro Meats - Gourmet Game, a company that specialize in the stuff, who decided to use sentences like 'be pleasantly suprised by the nutritional goodness jumping out of kangaroo meat' - oh dear. You don't want to remind people of the animal you silly sod.

People get all funny about eating kangaroos but I don't know why. Perhaps you do know why and would like to share that with the other 4 readers in the comment space provided?

To be honest I'm a bit disappointed myself. These days if you search for amazing meat related stories you end up with a load of things made out of meat that shouldn't be or websites revealing the true horror of the meat industry. I didn't fancy either of those. I do however really fancy a pork pie.






*After looking for about 10 minutes.
**No it's not. I couldn't be arsed to look it up.