That’s the Big Question. So let’s not waste any more time in case we die of old age, and leap right in. Here is a subsidiary question to help us on our way -

Which well-known person of-a-certain-age do you most want to be like?

Is it –

1. Trevor Nunn?*

2. Woody Allen?

3. Your father (for female readers – your mother)?

4. John Prescott?

5. Twiggy? (this book is for women as well as men. No really it is)**

(* For bankers and chemical engineers and others who aren't au fait with the Arts - Sir Trevor is a very heterosexual theatre director, currently married to the gorgeous Imogen Stubbs. He's directed Cats and Starlight Express and Les Miserables. And a lot of plays by Shakespeare. And some other stuff I forget).

(** No it is. Really. So if I sometimes, or in fact always, forget to do the she instead of the he thing and stuff like that could you please just pretend I did it? It'll be easy after the first few goes - women are so much more imaginative than men).

If you look at the footnote about Trev you’ll think there’s no contest here - Imogen Stubbs, loads of money, loads of fun auditioning all those chicks in Cats. Perhaps you’re not so keen on the Shakespeare but that’s OK because he doesn’t do much any more. And if you look at a recent photo of him you’ll think it’s even more of a no-brainer. He’s clearly done a deal with the devil because he’s no spring chicken but even so he manages to wear jeans and trainers to the manner born and he’s not become a fatty (unlike his former boss Peter Hall) and he’s still got saturnine (I think that’s the word) good looks.

A little more about the good looks. The amazing thing is he’s only two years younger than John Prescott but he’s still got really dark hair with a moustache and beard to match. More than a touch of the Grecian Two Thousand probably, but what the hell, it works. The other thing about the hair is, it’s really long, and even so it doesn’t make him look a prat. To put this in perspective just think what John Prescott would be like with long hair - it’d be like Les Dawson as the Ugly Sister.

What about the other candidates? I think we can cross out parents because clearly no man in his right man wants to be like his father and most women seem to want to throttle their mothers.

So what about John Prescott?

Right. That leaves us with Woody Allen and Twiggy.

Of course we all know the worries about Woody. Do you really want to be known for the films you made over twenty years ago and not the crappy ones you’ve slaved over more recently? And, well, did you marry your daughter or didn’t you? (No he didn’t. But even so….) You would think that someone famous both for his sense of humour and for all those years in therapy might have a more highly developed yuk factor. On the other hand, the sense of humour must have something going for it. After all, when you look like a depressed weasel and are obsessed with death it’s pretty impressive to be able to get Diane Keaton into bed both on screen and in reality.

Like his best films, all that was over twenty years ago. The other thing is he’s at least a hundred and eighty so he’s easily the oldest on the list (not that chronological age matters….)

So I think that leaves us with a short-list of two. The clear favourite – Sir Trev. And Twiggy.

You know, the more I think about Twiggy the more I wonder. After all, who wouldn’t want to be like Twiggy? Attractive, down to earth, everyone loves her and she’s the youngest on the list (not that chronological – etc….)* Not to mention all that money from M & S…..

(* I think I've now made the point. To sum up, in case you really are gaga - chronological age is totally irrelevant nowadays except to a few sadistic saddos in the NHS. That's the last time I shall say it. Ever. So when I say old or young in future you'll know I don't mean it, not really. Not like that anyway).

Mind you, it’s not half as much as Trev gets from all those Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals….

Hang on though - times have changed. This is the twenty-first century and we’re all strapped for cash and disgusted by excessive wealth and angrily rejecting superficial materialistic values. Anyway which do you prefer, M & S or Andrew Lloyd Webber? No contest really, is there?

So is it Trev or Twiggy? Who do we most want to be like? A multi-millionaire hugely talented knight of the realm with saturnine good looks that vastly belie his age or a well-preserved former sixties icon….?

I’ve made up my mind. Trevor - you’re fired.

It’s not really because of Andrew Lloyd Webber. You see, Trev, to be painfully honest the bonus with Twiggy that we don’t get with you is that though she looks great she doesn’t look twenty years younger than she’s meant to. So there’s not the risk that she’s going to wake up one morning and find her face has suddenly collapsed and she suddenly looks her proper age and everyone’s pointing at her and laughing and making hurtful jokes about Les Dawson and are you doing panto this year?

It’s the Dorian Gray problem of course. It goes without saying that none of wants to look “old”, but how much are we willing to sacrifice comfort and security in order to stay looking “young”? Do we really want to be on tenterhooks the whole time like poor old - but ever young-looking - Dorian? I guarantee that he lived in constant dread that one day someone from the Antiques Roadshow was going to pop up to his attic and find the ever-wrinklier portrait of him hidden away behind his school reports and that trike he had when he was four and start asking him all about it and then he’d just be so embarrassed.

Let’s leave Dorian to his tragic fate and have another subsidiary question.


Is there anything at all about your parents’ attitude to age that you envy?

Yes yes I know - why would you possibly envy it when so far as you can remember they were always old and always perfectly happy to be? You forget that what I’m attempting is to guide you gently but firmly towards a conclusive answer to the big question - which in case you’ve forgotten was How old do you want to be?

Every option has to be explored. Some people might say our parents were just being mature and realistic, and unlike their children didn’t spend their whole lives obsessively chasing youth and novelty by getting divorced and remarrying and/or deciding they really couldn’t commit after all and one way or another ending up in penury because there wasn’t enough left to live properly after all those years of alimony and child maintenance.

Yes yes I’m sorry, that’s far too bleak a picture of our lives. Bleak and glib.

Besides, the right to live in post-divorce penury is a hard-won freedom - just like votes for women and not being charged for withdrawing money from holes in the wall - and you mock it at your peril.

Let’s put aside our preconceptions and answer the question truthfully:

Are you really sure that deep down you don’t just want to be comfortably old in matching beige cardigans like your parents always were, contentedly watching tapes of All Creatures Great And Small on your ancient VHS recorder?

OK OK it might sound appalling and you’ll undoubtedly end up with that weirdly horrible “old” smell just like your parents….

But on the other hand….?

On the other hand wouldn’t it be quite nice just to be cosy and unstressed and not needing to impress anyone ever again in your whole life?

There are three possible answers to this:

1. Yes it would

2. No it wouldn’t

3. Don’t condescend to me you little prick….


If you’ve ticked “1. Yes it would” -

You have either already died or will very shortly, so you might as well stop reading now and do something comforting in your last hours like switching back to All Creatures Great And Small.*

(* Or if you want to give your mind one final canter before reaching life's last winning post, why don't you try to work out why Dr Who is one of the lead characters in All Creatures Great And Small and why is he pretending to be a 1930s vet, and why Peter Davison is a thousand years younger than his "brother" Robert Hardy. Is it to do with time travelling? And is the fact that Nicholas Lyndhurst in Only Fools And Horses is also clearly a thousand years young than his "brother" David Jason an homage to the celebrated vet series? You have probably already noticed that both series have six-syllable titles. This cannot be a coincidence. There is a pattern there somewhere).

If you’ve ticked “2. No it wouldn’t” -

You’re still vibrant and alive and probably still a bit of a stud on the quiet, though maybe only a Saga-stud (which is better than nothing, believe me). I’d like to welcome you back on board and trust you’ll stay with us to the bitter end. Just like our parents did with their unhappy, interminable marriages.

If you’ve ticked “3. Don’t condescend to me you little prick….” –

I assure you that’s fine, perfectly OK, I’m not offended, in fact you might even be quite amusing in an immature sort of way. So join the club - we need people like you. And I bet you don’t really own a beige cardigan or watch saddo videos, do you? No exactly.


This is fascinating isn’t it? I sense we’re really getting somewhere now, we’re really getting much closer to answering the big question – How old do you want to be?

Let’s have a quick recap of the information we’ve gleaned so far….

In answer to subsidiary question one – the person you most want to be like is -the youngest name on the list.

In answer to subsidiary question two – you have no respect whatsoever for your parents’ attitude to age – and even more significantly, the very thought of being as old as them makes you shudder with horror and whimper with appalled disbelief.

Now hang on a minute while I work out a couple of things….


Right. I’ve now analysed all the evidence and to my surprise we’re pretty close to a result. It’s clear that those who haven’t left us for the final consolation of their ancient VHSs now have a really pretty good idea of how old they’d like to be.

The truly amazing thing is that give or take a few years they’re pretty much in agreement.


Please remember, there’s inevitably a margin of error here because there are various anomalies and imponderables to take into account - the most obvious being that though all our parents are of different ages, it seems there’s unanimous agreement that none of them was ever under sixty.

Which is a little surprising, when you think about it.

There’s also the disturbing fact that even in the time it’s taken me to to work out the figures everyone has got a little bit older - even Trev.


After taking into account all the above and also taking into accounts lots of other complex stuff that’d be far too hard to explain to you, I can now give you the answer to the big question -

How old do you want to be?

Fifty-three.