JAMES Bond IN: James Bond, SUPER-007 SPY

A screenplay by Atomic-Smash Hansen


Copyright: 2009 Atomic-Smash Hansen Starship Enterprises

James Bond Copyright: James Bond, 1960s.


PROLOGUE: Ninja-type dudes are sneaking into the White House to steal the h-bomb in the Lincoln bedroom. The first one walks like a shadow to avoid being seen as a person. The second crawls around like a kitty-cat. The third forgot to show up. Oops!
Suddenly, just as they open the door to the Oval Office, a person is heard to be clearing their throat. It is James Bond, and he has a bone to pick with these two ruffians! A gun bone!

JAMES
Stop in the name of James Bond, boys!

But the two ninjas take off their masks, to reveal they are ladies! Then they take off their clothes to reveal they are naked ladies!

JAMES
This just got very interesting. Ladies, it’s Miller time.

He shoots them. Opening credits! A lot of silhouettes jump and swim and shoot and do push ups and blend together. One is an Indian with a bow and arrow pointing at a star, if you send him in, you win! Opening theme song: James Bond, the super of spies! James Bond, the seer of eyes! James Bond eats only American pie! James Bond is tongue-kissing the sky! James Bond, he lies when cries! No, wait, that’s Joe. No, wait, that’s Jooooooooe!

FADE IN: James Bond’s house. He is just waking from his alarm clock. He shoots it off. Then he rolls over and kisses the naked girl in bed next to him. She is blonde and wears nothing!

JAMES
Morning, stranger.

LADY
Oh, James, you are such a laugh riot. And a sexual riot as well. Growl!

JAMES
I appreciate the compliment. Except that I’m serious. Who are you?

Blonde lady makes a sad face. James shrugs.

CUT TO: James Bond in his car, a spied-out El Camino flying down the interstate at top speed. He is in a tuxedo, and he is combing his hair. He checks himself out in the rearview mirror and smiles. Suddenly the car falls through the ground, and the hole it fell through closes up with the trap door. We see James and the car float safely to the floor of the secret hideout. Scientists are testing guns and flamethrowers and crossbows. M walks over to the car.

M
Confound it all, James! I hate your ways! You are such a rogue, a scoundrel and rapscallion and yet you get results! Humbug!

JAMES
You’re just jealous, M. Don’t even try to deny it, I have super-human powers of detection. I know you wanna be me.

M
You’re right you know, old bean. Quite right, pip pip. Here.

M hands James Bond a martini which James drinks.

JAMES
Ah! The freshmaker!

M
Would you cut that out???? Enough horseplay, Bond. Well more than enough. We have very important business, James Bond. The business of world domination. We have a very important assignment for you, perhaps the most important of 50 year career to date.


JAMES
Ah yes, the dastardly King Krupta of Sylvetica has a space satellite all set to beam a laser ray at the White House. If he succeeds at blowing up our nation’s capital White House, he will then proceed to take over the world… and everyone in it.

M
By jingo, how the deuce do you do it, you?

JAMES
I don’t know, either. I’m that good, you see.

M
Well, then you won’t be needing these rocket shoes Q designed for you. Or this Secret Shooter Pen. Or these bulletproof cufflinks.

JAMES
I stand corrected, M. Touché. As the mystery girl in bed would say, touché all over.

M
Oh, James, you are incorrigible. No one could corrigible you.

CUT TO: James Bond in a plane. He is tuxedoed out and seatbelted in. He’s also the only one on the plane, which is scary and mysterious, but James Bond does not care about that, he is way too cool. The Pilot puts the plane on Auto-Pilot instead of People-Pilot and approaches him.

PILOT
How would you like your martini, Mr. Bond?

JAMES
Shaken, please.

PILOT
You asked for it!

The Pilot runs to the cockpit and switches the plane back to People-Pilot- Evil People-Pilot. Laughing like a maniac, maniac on the floor, he grabs the plane’s steering wheel and flips it over and over and does an upside-down roll with the plane. James hits the ceiling.

JAMES
Nice try, villain!

James removes his shooter pen and shoots the pilot. Then he runs and takes over the plane, aiming it at a castle. He grabs a parachute and jumps out the window as the plane collides with the castle, both bursting into flames with a tremendous and flaming explosion! James floats downward.

JAMES
I guess I really gave that castle a blow job- a blow UP job!

CUT TO: An office, huge! It’s got a huge desk and super comfy desk chair and taxidermied bears and pigs and frogs and chickens and things. Also he has a huge globe which is a bar in secret. The big picture window overlooks the castle which just blew up. King Krupta is watching this in anger and amazement. Nutjob enters, a tall football playery lackey.

NUTJOB
Sir, your castle just blew up.

KRUPTA
I know that Nutjob! Only one man has the audacity of hope to do such a deed to my very own castle, and that man is Bond.

NUTJOB
James Bond?

KRUPTA
And who else then? Yes! Nutjob, you must kill him before it’s too late and we’re all dead. Do it!

Nutjob runs out of the office. Krupta shakes his fist at the window in anger and amazement. Also he has a huge globe which is a bar in secret.

KRUPTA
I will have you, James Bond. And you will die from me. And then, all the pieces will, how you say, fall into place. Ha ha ha ha! Ho! But first, the dance party in my honor.

CUT TO: James Bond at a fancy party, dancing up a sexy girl. She wears a sequin gown and hoop earrings. He’s in a new tux. Brand spanking new.

GIRL
Suave, sir, very suave.

JAMES
Suave is my middle initial.

GIRL
I have a secret to share with you.

She leans over to whisper in his ear and winks. POV: James’s ear as the girl’s eyelid winks.

JAMES
I heard that wink, sexy.

GIRL
But- you are amazing!

JAMES
You think that’s amazing? Check this out!

JAMES executes fancy footwork, sliding, flipping and somersaulting, baby-swiping and popping as well as locking. A slow-clap off-screen comes from King Krupta.

KRUPTA
So you think you can dance, Mr….

JAMES
James. Bond. James Bond.

KRUPTA
WHAT!!! KILL HIM!!

Fast fighting music! The guards whip out their guns and shoot at James. James pulls out his scat-gun! Skiddily-pow! Skiddily-blam! Skiddily-poop! Wait, not that kind of scat-gun. Nutjob pulls out a spear and flings it at James, who deftly sidesteps it. He somersaults to the wall and hits a button dramatically. The floor opens up in the middle and there’s a swimming pool underneath. The guards fall into the pool, drowning. The sexy girl does too and James jumps in after her, with a scuba mask on. Jimmy Stewart doesn’t notice until, whoops, too late. Nutjob escapes with King Krupta through the back door, the fire exit alarm goes off.

NUTJOB
I’ll get you next time, Bond! When you least expect it, I’ll snare you like a drum- a bass drum!

KRUPTA
How you say, retreat!

GIRL
What happened to my clothes?

JAMES
I did.

He reveals he has her entire dress in the palm of his hand. She gasps seductively. They kiss each other with a fierce passion. FADE TO James Bond’s hotel room. He is lounging in a robe while the girl eats a chicken breast and mashed potatoes and a biscuit with gravy.

GIRL
Thank you I was so hungry for the food. It tastes so good to eat!

JAMES
What’s your name by the way?

GIRL
Casper. Casper the Friendly Spy.

JAMES
Spy?

CASPER pulls out a laser gun and shoots at JAMES, who deflects the shots with his bulletproof cufflinks. The laser beams bounce back and blow up her corn bread. Literally!

CASPER
No!

JAMES
It appears the links have it.

He rushes to tackle her, arms outstretched like Frankenstein the Monster, but she shoots him and he is hit. James crumples to the ground in sadness and unconsciousness. Casper picks up the hotel phone and dials a phone number.

CASPER
The eagle has landed, and was shot.

CUT TO: Krupta in his office, with Nutjob. Also he has a huge globe which is a bar in secret.

KRUPTA
Good, good, how you say, good. At last, the world will all be all mine! Ha! Ho!

NUTJOB
So, James is dead?

KRUPTA
No, not yet.

NUTJOB
What? Why?

KRUPTA
Because (he shoots Nutjob.) DON’T QUESTION ME, THAT’S WHY! Now I will kill him more elaborately, in the most fitting way imaginable. Yes! Rub hands together. Oops, that’s a stage direction. Also I have a huge globe which is a bar in secret.

CUT TO: James Bond waking up, slowly, surely, and slowly. He discovers he is hanging upside down over the Grand Canyon, his legs tied by a strong rope knotted Windsor-style, and his hands are tied behind his back, Loser-style. Pause for the awesomeness of that pun.

KRUPTA
So, at last we meet, Mr. James Bond. I can see why you are so popular. All the blood, it rushes, how you say, to your head.

JAMES
I guess it’s true what they say, the head is bloody terrific!

KRUPTA
Silence!

CASPER
Even upside down, he keeps his cool. But I am the femme that fataled the great Bond.

JAMES
You were great baby, just keen. Shmoopy to the max. Except for the laser shoot-out, I rocked your spy world.

KRUPTA
SILENCE NOW! I am about to drop you to your death down your precious Grand Canyon, Mr. Bond. Then I shall rule the, how you say, world. And no one can stop me! Ha ha ha! Ho!

JAMES
You’ll never get away with it, King Krupta!

KRUPTA
A-ha, but that is where you are wrong!

JAMES
Am I? I think-

JAMES frees himself by wriggling his feet free of the rope, falling. There is a long pause where everybody thinks he is dead and splattered. Krupta and Casper look from each other to the Grand Canyon and back again like fifty times. At no point is there a huge globe which is a bar in secret. Then James Bond makes a rollicking knockout comeback, his rocket shoes make him fly back up and he punches King Krupta in the face.

JAMES
Not!

KING KRUPTA
Zut alors! The cops!

And the police arrive and handcuff King Krupta and Casper.

CASPER
Oh, James! I was only kidding before! I’m not a bad guy. Please make me orgasm in sex again. James! James! We had a good thing, James.

JAMES
Not good enough, Casper. Not good enough. Not good enough, Casper.

The police take everyone away. M walks over to the still-floating James Bond.

M
I don’t know how you do it, James, or why. But I love you for it. There. I said it. I’m not taking it back. I love you. I said it again. I love you thrice! I said it yet again.

JAMES
I wish you hadn’t. It makes me feel ooky and wrong. M, no one likes you, least of all me. But, I suppose we can get married.

They both laugh. CUT TO: the credits, showing James Bond doing all sorts of exciting stunts, like leaping head first through a flaming hoop, skiing down a gorgeous mountain, sticking his head in a lion’s mouth, and kissing a naked woman. The Love Theme plays over the credits: Oh James Bond, you are a super spy who loved me. Nobody does it better and you know I don’t mean the spy part. Hey, James Bond you’re shoelaces are untie-ed. Ha, ha, made you look I can’t believe you fell for it.

After the credits, CUT TO the lake of lava. Skeletor pops up and menacingly declares, “I’ll be back!”


THE END