(Mary and Gary enter and cross to center stage.)
MARY
Why, hello there! It’s time once again for Mary and Gary, the Safetyness Twins! We hope you missed us.
GARY
She hopes. I hope you’re not one of the many Corporate Americans who has a fear of public speaking.
MARY
Did you know that more people have a fear of public speaking than have a fear of spiders?
GARY
More people have a fear of public speaking than live in Duluth, Minnesota.
MARY
More people have a fear of public speaking than saw the 1989 film Second Sight, starring John Larroquette and Bronson Pinchot. These statistics are courtesy of the National Association of Public Fear Phobics, who would have presented it themselves, if not for their crippling fear of presenting.
GARY
But it doesn’t have to be like this. If you follow the Eight Simple Rules of Public Speaking Safetyness, you can conquer your fear and the office.
MARY
Rule Number One: Try surprising your audience with an unusual speaking style. Remove all punctuation, perhaps. Affecting a strange accent, or ending each sentence with a home-spun colloquialism such as, “Sweet Joey Christmas,” “Jesus Wept,” or “Jammin’ on the One!”
GARY
Rule Number Two: As in Knife Safetyness, it helps to give your audience a nickname, such as That Crowd, Baby Swipes, or Stabby Jeff. Give them a common back story, like they’ve all survived a plane crash, or they’re all conspiring to murder you.
MARY
Rule Number Three: Don’t be self-conscious, but seriously, speak up! And tuck in your shirt, you look like a slob. This isn’t a Third Grade Recital, this is the Big Leagues, The Show, The Shmoopy, The Parent’s Table, The Adult GI Joes! And stop being self-conscious!
GARY
Rule Number Four: Imagine everyone in the audience in their underwear. Now you can feel confident that no one is paying attention to what you’re saying, as they will be transfixed by your enormous erection.
MARY
Rule Number Five: Open with a joke, especially a knock-knock joke, as it involves the audience. However, if your audience consists of homeless people, avoid the knock-knock joke, as it just reminds them they’re homeless. Just get them drunk.
GARY
Rule Number Six: If you feel as if you’re going to faint, make sure your knees aren’t locked. Do five or six deep-knee bends to get the circulation going. It can also help to put your head betwixt your knees, or betwixt the knees of the nearest audience member. Take deep, noisy, phlegmatic inhalations and exhale profoundly, swooning as if the Pope has given you his Promise Ring. Most importantly, do not stop speaking while doing this. Most people will think it’s part of the presentation, and the rest won’t be paying attention anyway.
MARY
Rule Number Seven: Be succinct, don’t suck ink. I’m not sure what that means yet, but it seems wise.
GARY
And finally, Rule Number Eight: Remember that public speaking is nothing to fear. Your peers will have already judged you before you open your mouth, and nothing you say or do is going to change their opinion. So have fun! Or just get drunk.
MARY
Don’t mind if I do!
GARY
I do.
MARY
God damn it, you’re so judgmental!
(Mary storms off, Gary follows her.)
GARY
I judge because I care, sister!
KENDRA
How do you feel now, Amos Newbie?
AMOS
I am One Hundred Percent Cured! I am One Hundred Percent Psyched! I am One Hundred Percent Ready to Rock This Big Presentation!
KENDRA
Great, I’m so glad you’re not nervous. But you are ten minutes late.
AMOS
Sweet Joey Christmas!
KENDRA
Hey, that’s a good start!
MARY
Why, hello there! It’s time once again for Mary and Gary, the Safetyness Twins! We hope you missed us.
GARY
She hopes. I hope you’re not one of the many Corporate Americans who has a fear of public speaking.
MARY
Did you know that more people have a fear of public speaking than have a fear of spiders?
GARY
More people have a fear of public speaking than live in Duluth, Minnesota.
MARY
More people have a fear of public speaking than saw the 1989 film Second Sight, starring John Larroquette and Bronson Pinchot. These statistics are courtesy of the National Association of Public Fear Phobics, who would have presented it themselves, if not for their crippling fear of presenting.
GARY
But it doesn’t have to be like this. If you follow the Eight Simple Rules of Public Speaking Safetyness, you can conquer your fear and the office.
MARY
Rule Number One: Try surprising your audience with an unusual speaking style. Remove all punctuation, perhaps. Affecting a strange accent, or ending each sentence with a home-spun colloquialism such as, “Sweet Joey Christmas,” “Jesus Wept,” or “Jammin’ on the One!”
GARY
Rule Number Two: As in Knife Safetyness, it helps to give your audience a nickname, such as That Crowd, Baby Swipes, or Stabby Jeff. Give them a common back story, like they’ve all survived a plane crash, or they’re all conspiring to murder you.
MARY
Rule Number Three: Don’t be self-conscious, but seriously, speak up! And tuck in your shirt, you look like a slob. This isn’t a Third Grade Recital, this is the Big Leagues, The Show, The Shmoopy, The Parent’s Table, The Adult GI Joes! And stop being self-conscious!
GARY
Rule Number Four: Imagine everyone in the audience in their underwear. Now you can feel confident that no one is paying attention to what you’re saying, as they will be transfixed by your enormous erection.
MARY
Rule Number Five: Open with a joke, especially a knock-knock joke, as it involves the audience. However, if your audience consists of homeless people, avoid the knock-knock joke, as it just reminds them they’re homeless. Just get them drunk.
GARY
Rule Number Six: If you feel as if you’re going to faint, make sure your knees aren’t locked. Do five or six deep-knee bends to get the circulation going. It can also help to put your head betwixt your knees, or betwixt the knees of the nearest audience member. Take deep, noisy, phlegmatic inhalations and exhale profoundly, swooning as if the Pope has given you his Promise Ring. Most importantly, do not stop speaking while doing this. Most people will think it’s part of the presentation, and the rest won’t be paying attention anyway.
MARY
Rule Number Seven: Be succinct, don’t suck ink. I’m not sure what that means yet, but it seems wise.
GARY
And finally, Rule Number Eight: Remember that public speaking is nothing to fear. Your peers will have already judged you before you open your mouth, and nothing you say or do is going to change their opinion. So have fun! Or just get drunk.
MARY
Don’t mind if I do!
GARY
I do.
MARY
God damn it, you’re so judgmental!
(Mary storms off, Gary follows her.)
GARY
I judge because I care, sister!
KENDRA
How do you feel now, Amos Newbie?
AMOS
I am One Hundred Percent Cured! I am One Hundred Percent Psyched! I am One Hundred Percent Ready to Rock This Big Presentation!
KENDRA
Great, I’m so glad you’re not nervous. But you are ten minutes late.
AMOS
Sweet Joey Christmas!
KENDRA
Hey, that’s a good start!
