Recently a couple of hurtful comments from insensitive people have made me wonder what it is about me that makes me look fat. Is it my gigantic, monster-sized cheeks that make my face jiggle while I run? Is it the seventeen-and-a-half-inch (17 1/2") neck? Is it the plumber's crack? To elaborate:

While my wife Limpy and I were on our cruise two (2) weeks ago, we had the opportunity to wander around Paradise Island and Atlantis Resort in Nassau, Bahamas. Shortly after launching the ferry out to the island, the boat operator climbed the short ladder to the roof, pointed at me, and said, "You...there...in the Mama Cass suit..." O.K. that's not what he said; it was more like, "You...there...in the blue, the boat is unbalanced and I need you to move to the left side. Hurry mon! it's windy today."

So I moved. Instead of sitting next to my beautiful wife Limpy, I got to sit next to the creepy Euro in '80s-style weightlifter pants. No problem, I was the largest person on deck, so naturally I made a good candidate to help balance the boat, right? He was just looking for one person, not necessarily a fat one, right? I'm not so sure, to wit:

Four days later, my friend's four-year-old (4 yr. old) daughter sat next to my wife Limpy in church that week. When I sat on the bench on the other side of my wife Limpy, the bench made a slight creaking sound as my bulk rested delicately on the bottom cushion. She looked up at my wife Limpy and said, "Stupidramblings is BIG; he could break everything."

Now, I'm not one to publicly denounce pre-schoolers on the interweb, but I have to admit I found her comment quite defamatory. She probably stayed awake a few nights that week trying to find a way to hurt my feelings. She probably already posted how fat I am on her MySpace too.

If you're reading right now, my friend's four-year-old (4 yr. old) daughter, I pronounce you INSENSITIVE. Let it be known to all that your words are slanderous!