You’ve probably heard of the “mommy wars” — that phenomenon whereby mothers judge other mothers and flaunt themselves as superior because of course our choices are always better than everyone else’s choices.  (Please read that last phrase as tongue-in-cheek!)  Fortunately, many moms are wising up and recognizing the inherent ignorance of the comparison game.  We’re all just doing our best — and we’re all imperfect.  Unfortunately, many are swinging so far the other direction that we’re fostering another kind of ignorance — the kind that comes from withholding valid information.

What if All is Not Equal?

See, we get this idea that the only way for multiple options to be valid is for all of those options to be the same, but that’s not true.  It is perfectly possible for one choice to be superior to another, all else being equal, and yet for the “best” choice to vary from situation to situation because all else is not equal.  Let me give an example.  We’ll use something pretty far removed from typical “parenting” choices, so as to keep this on fairly neutral ground emotionally.

A Tale of Two Bookcases

Take a look at the two bookcases below.  (And pretend they’re the same height; they were the best examples I could find offhand.)

Laminate BookcaseSolid Wood Bookcase

Considered simply on their own merits — remember, all else being equal — the bookcase on the right is clearly a superior product.  The one on the left is laminated particleboard.  It probably isn’t very sturdy in comparison to the one on the right, offgassing might, at least theoretically, be an issue, and the materials are just plain inferior in quality.  The one on the right is solid wood.  It’s a quality product built of quality materials that should be expected to stand the test of time.

It would be silly to say that these two products are the same; they’re clearly not.

However…

What happens when we consider not only the merits of the bookcases, but also the circumstances that create the context in which the bookcase will be purchased and used?  In other words, when we recognize that all is not equal?

What if…the purchaser can afford the $38 for the bookcase on the left, but not the $249 for the bookcase on the right, and either bookcase will get the job done?  Might not the laminate bookcase be an adequate option?

What if…the purchaser is a not-very-strong mama with no help nearby, and unable to manage the weight of the heavier wood bookcase?  Might not the laminate bookcase be the better option, for her?

What if…there’s reason to believe that the matte wood may cause mold issues, while the more wipeable nature of the laminate surface is a guard against that?  Might the potential mold issues in a given buyer’s house trump the benefits of the wood?

I hope you’re starting to see the point that the “inferior” option can be perfectly adequate — or even superior for a given context — without our having to pretend that it is inherently equal.  Now let’s see why that matters when it comes to mommy topics.

Informed Choice

Under fairly normal circumstances, parents should be able to make whatever choices they deem are the best fit for their families, given their circumstances.  But ideally, we should also be able to do this in an informed manner.  It isn’t fair to a mama to be stuck making a decision based on partial information because the remainder of the information was withheld in the name of “being gracious.”  That’s not gracious; it’s wimpy.

It is true that breastfeeding confers benefits for oral development that bottle-feeding does not, and that formula can’t provide the antibodies mother’s milk can.  Mothers making feeding choices deserve to have access to this information, and we can share this information while still respecting a mom’s choice to bottle-feed. 

Maybe breastfeeding wasn’t working for them, and the choice wasn’t actually between breastfeeding and bottle-feeding, but between bottle-feeding and starvation.  Maybe it was work, and she technically could have done it, but other aspects of parenting would have suffered and she ordered her priorities accordingly.  Maybe she has a chronic disease transmittable via breastmilk and is protecting her baby.  Maybe she just didn’t want to, formula was an adequate option, and not being chronically stressed was worth the trade-off.  The point is, there are any number of possible reasons a mama might have for making this choice, and we honor her best when we honor her choice not only in what she ultimately decides, but also in trusting her ability to make it based on all of the available information.

Another example is cesarean deliveries.  They increase a mother’s statistical risk of death.  They also inherently alter the gut flora a baby starts out with, and the more we learn about gut flora, the more we realize how intricately involved it is in numerous areas of health.  Are you starting to see the key message here?  Can we honor mothers’ choices to deliver by c-section even when perhaps they didn’t “have to,” while still honoring mamas enough to give them all the information so if and when they make that choice, it’s informed consent?

Information Isn’t Judgment

Sharing information can be done in a judgmental way, but it isn’t inherently “judgment.”  It’s merely information.  On the other hand, withholding information because we’ve already decided another mother must not want it is judgment — a predetermination that she doesn’t care enough for the information to matter.

But what about if we just trust each other?  “I don’t know if you know, but just in case, I thought I’d pass on that _________.  Do (or don’t do) whatever you find best with that information.”  Sometimes new information won’t change someone’s decision; she’s already made the best choice for herself and her family!  But sometimes a new piece of information can radically change someone’s choice, and depending on the nature of that information, it might be life-altering to know it early in the process rather than after it’s too late because someone was afraid to share.

Love One Another

So love the mamas around you!  Love them enough to share what you know (we all learn from each other), and to honor the choices they make whether or not they match your own.

Battling the Mommy Wars: Ignorance vs. Ignorance? is a post from: Titus 2 Homemaker

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