I’ve recently spent a lot of time reflecting on all the Pain I’ve swept under the rug over the years.  Lately I seem to be able to vividly recall all the disappointment, failure, rejection, and the range of emotions that accompany such things which are such a vital part of who I am today.  The dreams I never saw through, the girls who never loved me back, the friendships I gave up on, and numerous return trips to square one.

Many of these Memories seem more clear and meaningful to me now than in the days when they were actually happening.  I had intentionally lost them in party crowds and bottles of beer.  They disappeared in marijuana and cigarette smoke.  Most of them, however, were soothed with what has come to be known as “comfort food” which is inevitably infested with refined sugar and flour.

I definitely suffer from Arrested Development as a result of my addictions.  They seek and destroy pain but they have also hidden so much of the world and me from myself.  People talk about drugs and alcohol having an aging effect on those that abuse them.  I think this is mostly due to the gap created between mind and body from the time the user becomes dependent until the time he or she stops.  When you enter recovery and look in the mirror you still feel like a kid but you are looking at a grown man or woman.  If your drug of choice is sugar, chances are you became addicted at a very young age and may find yourself dealing with an extremely large gap.

I am still very child like which isn’t always a bad thing.  I can get very excited about little things but I get noticably irritated if I don’t get my way.  I have an active imagination and curiosity, but I always want it to be play time.  I guess I’m a Peter Pan of sorts for the real world.  As I continue to relive the memories I thought were lost forever, perhaps I’ll grow up a little from the lessons I once ignored and come to cry the tears I never shed.