While “Satur-dates” together help to strengthen Sharon and Clayton’s* marriage, each also needs to spend time alone. Having a good support system and the right doctor help, too.

Did you know that your husband had a mood disorder or struggled with moods when you met him?

When I met my Husband in high school for the first time, I knew there was something “different” about him, but I couldn’t quite place what it was. A few years later, when I ran into him again, we started dating. He told me he had been developmentally delayed as a child and received various diagnoses since 1966, when he was 4.

What was the road to his diagnosis like?

It wasn’t until Clayton was an adult that he was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. With a couple of medication changes, he started to feel better. Still he was on a roller coaster of doing well and then going downhill with no explanation. He decided to admit himself to the hospital. They changed his medications and that stabilized him for years. The mystery behind Clayton’s condition was finally solved in 2016 when he was sent to a partial hospital program. On his first day, the doctor interviewed him and sent him home with a document explaining exactly what Bipolar 1 is and how he would be treated.\

What challenges does your husband face with bipolar?

Mood changes, occasional irritability, and all-or-nothing thinking—He has trouble coming to a compromise about a decision he needs to make.

What triggers his moods and how do the two of you deal with them?

His symptoms can be triggered without warning. The perfect example of a mood change without warning was when, instead of going to work, he checked himself into the hospital. He also gets triggered if there’s a problem with members of my family that we share a home with. They call him names, which is hurtful. Clayton and I wish we could change the attitudes of my family, but we can’t. I have talked to my family about the importance of not making my husband anxious and about choosing their words carefully in order to reduce conflict, and that has helped. In addition, I get my husband away, either into our bedroom or out of the house to go for a walk. He also likes to listen to comedy podcasts on his phone.

How do you support your husband as he deals with bipolar?

By being a good listener, by being patient and understanding, and by letting him know I am always here for him. When my husband is in the hospital, I am his biggest advocate. I visit, I ask the staff questions, I call a couple times a day, I work with the discharge planner. I do not let them allow my husband to become “just another patient.” Involved families usually are more successful in reducing the number of hospital stays for their loved one.

How does your husband’s bipolar affect you?

As his wife, I struggle with stress and anxiety. When my husband is not himself, I sometimes blame myself for him not being well. I think, “If only we could have gone on a date tonight” or something like that. I see a therapist when I can. I am on anti-anxiety medication I take as needed. I try to de-stress myself. Getting a cut and color at the salon or getting a pedicure – anything to get my mind off of what is going on. I can be a better wife when I make time for me.

How do you as a couple get support?

Clayton and I get a tremendous amount of support from our faith as Christians. It helps that we’re members of a Baptist church in our neighborhood with excellent preaching and a spiritual support system of friends we see every week.

What have you learned about dealing with a loved one’s bipolar?

It takes a great deal of patience, love and encouragement—along with the right doctor and the right medication—to keep a person with bipolar stable.

What do you wish you had known in the beginning?

We both wish Clayton hadn’t received so many misdiagnoses over the 52 years he’s been treated, ever since 1966!

What advice would you give to other people in a relationship with a person with bipolar?

There have been ups and downs in my 29 years of marriage, but far more ups than downs. My advice is to make the very best out of what life gives you and never be afraid to ask for help. Also, regular date nights or “Satur-dates” are beneficial for us because I work full time. We go to the pool in our neighborhood, we go to dinner, we go to the movies, and we go on vacation whenever we can. It takes lots of patience and a great support system, but it is possible to be in a long-term relationship or be married to a person with bipolar. I am happy that my husband is stable and doing well.

* Sharon and Clayton, not their real names, live in Florida. Sharon says her husband is an extremely intelligent 50-something-year-old man who just happens to have a diagnosis of Bipolar 1. He loves science fiction, especially Battlestar Galactica and any Star Trek series.