It is expected, normal and acceptable for children to be sad when they are insulted.  I find it baffling that people tell Young Children that it can only hurt if they let it or that words can’t hurt you. Feeling the ping of embarrassment, self-consciousness and rejection is real. We must acknowledge how they feel so the children know that they are having normal human emotions.  As adults, we can learn to cope, and we can learn that other people’s opinions are really about them.  Young children need to first be validated and someday they will understand people better…but not yet.  Say to the child, “I am sorry that makes you sad and hurts your feelings.  I know that is hard.”  How liberating would that have been if someone said that to you when you were feeling left out or rejected?

 

Talk to the children who are hurt about their worth. Every child has gifts and they need to know that the world sees their gifts.  They need to know their value and that other people’s words don’t diminish that value.  “I am sorry you are hurt. I know that’s hard.  You are such a great kid.  You are smart and a great artist and so helpful to me.  Sometimes, people are not nice.  You and I know how great you are.”

 

Ask how you can help make them feel better.  Telling children not to cry or not to feel their feelings does not help.  Often, we don’t give young children enough credit for knowing what they need.  “How can I make you feel better? What should I do?”  If the child doesn’t know, offer suggestions such as a hug or special time together doing a favorite activity.

 

Problem solve together.  Ask the child who has been hurt, “What do you think you should do now?” I am consistently amazed how often young children will say what I would have advised. Many young children have said, “I won’t play with her.”  I add, “You can find someone else to play with.”  Sometimes they will say they should tell an adult.  That’s true, too.  By brainstorming with the child, you find out what they are comfortable doing.  It doesn’t help them to tell them to do something that will add to their discomfort.

 

Alert the adults who were supervising that time if this happened at school.  Ask the teacher to keep an eye on the situation.  When I taught, I was always glad when families told me to be on alert. You should also follow up to see how it is going over time. Children go in and out of friendships as they test that concept.  You might still be upset by an incident that was long forgotten by the children.

 

Not everyone will be friends.  Be careful of your overuse of that word.  When we tell children that everyone in class is your friend, we aren’t being honest.  In any group of 15-20 humans, not everyone will like each other.  We need to teach children that they must be kind.  Not everyone will like each other but everyone has to be kind.  Please don’t overuse the word.  It sets them up for hurt.