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Funny In Five Hundred Blog
funnyinfivehundred.com
Funny In Five Hundred publishes funny stories in five hundred words or less. Submit your work on the submission page, and if accepted, we’ll help you get the word out about your story, books, website, social media, or whatever else you're trying to tell

Weirdest Things

2018-06-25 01:32
This lady takes her car to my business, because it is making a weird noise. She says it is a screeching sound every time she starts the car. I go, “No problem, ma’am, we’l… Read More
He Loved Books

He Loved Books

2017-11-12 18:40
How much do you love books? Not as much as Jeffrey Hornsmith. Check out this new story from Dave Woolston about a guy who can't get enough reading.Jeffery Hornsmith is a well educated man. F… Read More
Piffle

Piffle

2017-10-20 00:16
Why do people say men are pigs? Pigs are smart. Check out this new funny story from Nancy Brown about a pig named Piffle who is trying to understand human behavior. Nancy is a writer in… Read More
Sex With Rocks

Sex With Rocks

2017-08-19 16:33
Take a romantic stroll into the woods in this new funny flash fiction story from Daniel Craig Roche. Several of Daniel's short stories have appeared in print through Tough Lit Magazine and I… Read More
Three Brothers

Three Brothers

2017-08-10 19:54
This funny story is all that, and Dim Sum! Written by Susan J. Powers, this tale takes you on a ride to the Three Brothers Chinese restaurant, where our protagonist must prove herself a wort… Read More
Gumball

Gumball

2017-07-21 21:35
Jonas “Gumball” Peters froze in front of the refrigerator, unable to proceed; fishing around in his pocket, he produced a quarter and swallowed it, allowing him to tug the fridge… Read More
Fixer-Upper

Fixer-Upper

2017-07-19 22:38
Our app describes itself as “powerful photo editing software;” this may be over-the-top for $3.99, but the 4.5-star rating will convince you to splurge. You purchase the app and… Read More
It's Nothing

It's Nothing

2017-07-14 23:08
It’s nothing, she said to her super-duper hypochondriac husband for the billionth time. And yes, that’s billionth with a major capitol B.I think I have this.I think I’m get… Read More
Bakery Bitch

Bakery Bitch

2017-07-10 23:56
“We call her the bakery bitch,” Will declared as they strolled down the sidewalk, passing the bakery. He pointed to a dark haired fortyish woman behind the counter. `“Is s… Read More
Helen’s Homemade Porn Bombs

Helen’s Homemade Porn Bombs

2017-07-08 00:47
Helen’s saying something fractious on the phone to John, who’s acting as if she’s stabbed him in an artery just below the throat and wants rave reviews from the 3 of us for… Read More
Leaving The Pen

Leaving The Pen

2017-07-04 01:47
The path between the fences had never seemed so long, but Talbert was enjoying the conversation with Warden as they strode toward the gate. “Remember,” Warden said. “Reme… Read More
Jasper

Jasper

2017-06-30 22:44
Just after Jasper turned seven, he began swallowing objects, things he found and put in his mouth. At first it was just small plastic non-descript items; the prize that came in the cereal bo… Read More
His Own Naked Lunch

His Own Naked Lunch

2017-06-23 23:36
He works in the shoe department. He is an assistant manager, a position he has held for eight years. He is the perfect employee - punctual, courteous, a breath of fresh air in a stale enviro… Read More
Aesop's Conspiracy

Aesop's Conspiracy

2017-06-20 01:36
After sixty years, the tortoise’s conscience finally broke like a prisoner of war in a dank prison cell, so she called a press conference. "It is with great shame that I crawl before… Read More
Manga

Manga

2017-06-18 17:10
This video was created by David Gregory, drawn by someone else, and written by Wrencherd (which is not his real name).Did you like it? Click here to submit your own funny monologue. If a… Read More
Meet Trouble

Meet Trouble

2017-06-16 01:47
“Strawberry daiquiri,” you tell the bartender. You’re trying your best not to let on that you notice, but Trouble’s next to you. Her gorilla’s next to her. Bike… Read More
A Moment's Self-Indulgence

A Moment's Self-Indulgence

2017-06-13 02:27
He unfurled a long, clawed fingernail and explored the depths of his nostril with it. He poked and prodded, scratched and scraped, and eventually withdrew a brownish-greenish snot oyster. It… Read More

Fishy

2017-06-09 00:59
I acquired Killian Jones—a male, half moon betta fish—when I went to my local Staples for printer ink. After spending $44 too much on both black and colored ink for my subpar pri… Read More

Flat As A Pancake

2017-06-02 23:47
Don’t look down is good advice. Presumably because the adviser wouldn’t say it unless there is reasonable cause. So I bridle a little when I do look down, having not been warned… Read More
Bombazine!

Bombazine!

2017-05-29 20:53
“Elfin,” shouted Dolph. “Recherché,” countered Starla.Adjective Slam. Playing on stage for amateur night at Café Primitivo. “A big hand for newcom… Read More
Done And Dusted

Done And Dusted

2017-05-26 22:18
The mansion owner ran his entitled fat finger along the staircase banister. Fault-finding judgement announced on his artificially tanned features before she’d even looked. Ophelia knew… Read More
Sexually Transmitted Cousin (STC)

Sexually Transmitted Cousin (STC)

2017-05-24 02:55
This video was created by David Gregory, drawn by somebody else, and written by Richard Van Ingram. Richard Van Ingram, who writes down his cousin Orestes' musings, is a philosopher, writes… Read More
Ka Maluhia

Ka Maluhia

2017-05-22 23:56
Steel drums chimed in the twilight. Palm fronds above the cantina swayed in the breeze. A big Polynesian man with tribal tattoos covering his arms that bulged from his kahuna shirt moved bac… Read More
Peter Piper

Peter Piper

2017-05-19 20:26
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,Where’s the peck of pickled peppers that Peter P… Read More

Everybody Hates Taxes

2017-05-15 19:05
He looked at the piece of metal sticking out of his arms, a shiny chrome tube stealing his blood and warmth. He was getting sick of this. A moment of pain supernovaed in his arm. He winced… Read More
The Paul Ryan Diaries

The Paul Ryan Diaries

2017-05-12 01:26
November 22nd 8 PMFor some strange, fucked up reason, I’m falling for Paul Ryan. A pregnant Paul Ryan. We met in Lamaze class. I know, I know. It’s wrong. It’s sooooo wrong… Read More
Broken

Broken

2017-05-09 00:46
When I open the door she’s in a burlap sack and nothing else. We stare into each other’s eyes with equal horror and terror. “Can I – can I help you?” I muster… Read More
The Doorbell

The Doorbell

2017-05-05 01:59
The fact that the doorbell rang was weird enough. Tristan wasn’t expecting a mail delivery or guests, or a ringing doorbell from either anyway since it was broken, so the presence of a… Read More
Eulogy To My Dive Bar

Eulogy To My Dive Bar

2017-05-01 23:54
We’re gathered here today to celebrate the life of the Green Mill Uptown.The first time I ever set foot in Green Mill Uptown, I had the audacity to inquire what beers were on special… Read More

Par For The Course

2017-04-28 22:19
Playing golf one day, I hooked a tee shot into the woods. Hopeful to hit out and avoid a penalty stroke, I ventured into the mix of brush and trees. About twenty steps in I spied, sitting n… Read More

Keep Me Away From Garage Sales, Please

2017-04-21 23:04
This video was created by David Gregory, drawn by somebody else, and written by Ian Saviet. Ian Saviet is currently an undergrad at Seton Hall University, and is still playing Pokemon Go fo… Read More

Well-Done

2017-04-21 22:25
My neighbor across the hallway knocks on my door at midnight. Her cat is lost, and without it, so is she, she says. Margaret’s fat and ugly, but her boobs are enormous and very invitin… Read More
Back In The Saddle

Back In The Saddle

2017-04-18 00:10
Your stomach reads like a palm. It’s a billboard written in stretch marks, that eclipses half of your stomach. It says, in bold Comic Sans, Yes! There was a baby in here!! You want to… Read More
A Stupid Red Cape

A Stupid Red Cape

2017-04-14 20:51
I was just getting up and hadn’t even had a cup of coffee when I heard a knock on my front door. It was only 9:30 on a Saturday morning but I went and answered it anyway. When I opene… Read More
Undies

Undies

2017-04-10 23:00
So I found this pair of underpants in the bathroom after my cousin and her boyfriend left for Ithaca. They were green with gold stripes and they weren’t mine. I stood there for a long… Read More
Gano

Gano

2017-04-08 01:24
This video was created by David Gregory, drawn by somebody else, and written by Don Narkevic. Don Narkevic is from Weston, WV, and received his MFA from National University. His recent poet… Read More
The Bourbon Boycott For Social Justice

The Bourbon Boycott For Social Justice

2017-04-07 01:55
I love Kentucky bourbon far beyond the double-shot buzz on Saturday afternoon. The texture, flavor, and warmth are all well-mannered. But because of a Kentucky clerk’s fitful refusal… Read More

Bible Study

2017-04-03 16:56
Sam and Barbara Geldowski cleared the table of the St. Stan’s basement after the weekly parish Bible Study group, not a difficult task as only three other people attended, so in total… Read More
Income

Income

2017-03-31 01:34
He ran back to his spot on the Interstate ramp, tucking the five dollar bill into his hip pocket. It had been a wind sprint, but it was worth it. Cutting across the ramp and down the emerg… Read More
Car Name

Car Name

2017-03-24 22:46
It has been almost a year since Dave has driven a car, but it’s because he is a car. This may not make sense now but it will. There’s a town where there is a car named Dave that… Read More
Flow

Flow

2017-03-21 01:54
It was on a dreary night of November that I beheld the accomplishment of my toils. I assembled the wires, tongs, cables, and levers to animate the lifeless body beside my keds. A half-eate… Read More
Acceptance Speech

Acceptance Speech

2017-03-21 01:45
I would like to thank the Academy, whatever family members and professional associates are obligatory to rattle off, a higher power to be named later, and, most of all, most importantly, mys… Read More
Pajama Experts

Pajama Experts

2017-03-19 19:34
This video was created by David Gregory, drawn by somebody else, and written by Ian Saviet. Ian Saviet is currently an undergrad at Seton Hall University, and is still playing Pokemon Go f… Read More
Grow Me Out A Little

Grow Me Out A Little

2017-03-17 01:27
Each morning I check the mirror and compare the growth of my facial hair to that of my voluminous, unkempt pubes. A therapist said this morning routine was no good for my self-worth, which h… Read More
Gold Diggers

Gold Diggers

2017-03-14 00:38
It was all flat prairie with just a single ridge, and two grizzled prospectors, Tex and Colorado, climbing the ridge on opposite sides and unaware of one another, met unexpectedly at the top… Read More
Blue Pill Time Bomb

Blue Pill Time Bomb

2017-03-10 19:21
Here’s me in a grocery store, Sunday morning and I’m in a rush. I tap the shoulder of the lady in front and politely ask, “Uh, ma’am could I please cut in front of yo… Read More
Garden Gossip

Garden Gossip

2017-03-06 20:55
Good Morning, Glory.Hi, vivacious Violet.Did you hear Mary has a gold ring on her wedding finger?Is it from that Sweet William?He’s wearing a Bachelor’s Button.I believe so. What… Read More
I Met Jesus In Hart Plaza Last Wednesday

I Met Jesus In Hart Plaza Last Wednesday

2017-03-03 14:42
I was my dear mother’s only child, and long ago she used to tell me that, someday, I would meet Jesus Christ. Naturally, I believed her. I knew, beyond a doubt, that I was destined t… Read More
Not Our Business

Not Our Business

2017-02-28 22:44
Sarah looked up from her cereal, a soggy mess of alphabet shapes, and gazed out of the kitchen window. In the neighboring yard a man, dressed in a leather flak jacket, with goggles on his he… Read More

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