Formal business dinners with people you have just met, perhaps with a significant transaction at stake, can be awkward affairs.   Being the only woman at such an event never really phased me, but it took me a while to work out the added responsibility associated with ordering first.  The waiter is always going to address the question of “What can I get you to drink?” to a woman first.  It’s up to us to set the tone for beverage choice, and this can be fraught in contemporary America.  If I order sparkling water, will my guest feel awkward choosing a double martini?  Will I seem uptight, out of touch, or pregnant if I avoid alcoholic beverages?  Conversely, it might not be a good idea to work on a tumbler of Jack Daniels while the clients sip Diet Coke. 

Other dining decisions also fall disproportionately to women.  One course or two?  Dessert?  It’s important to remember that your choices are not simply a matter of personal preference – there is also a hospitality imperative.  Presumably you share the business objective of using this dinner to build social bonds, so you need to help set a tone that will optimize the enjoyment and comfort of as many members of the party as possible.  Given the highly orchestrated nature of conventional dining, it’s a simple fact that things go more smoothly if major choices are roughly aligned and there aren’t any outliers.  It therefore falls to the woman in the group to serve as a facilitator.  Your best bet is not to hide behind neutral or benign choices, but rather to develop the confidence to engage your fellow diners in collective decision-making and to provide clear direction to the restaurant staff.

Specific circumstances can dictate different approaches:

• As a host:  If you’re a member of the hosting party, regardless of whether you’re the senior person in the group, your focus should be on the preferences of your guests.  In the case of pre-dinner drinks, it’s fine to direct the waiter to “Please see what our guests would like and then come back to me”.  Just don’t let things devolve into one of those ‘after-you-no-after-you’ loops.  If this starts to happen, move on to the recommendation below. 
• As a guest:   Even though the waiter may be discreetly whispering in your ear, turn back to the table and engage the group in making a decision.  “What do you think, guys?  Are we going to start with a drink?”  After a bit of hesitancy, and perhaps deferral to the senior person, a consensus view usually forms.  If “Not for me, but please go ahead” develops critical mass, there’s your cue to decline.  Likewise enthusiastic embracing of an opportunity for a drink will set the tone for you to order one, while a split decision means you can revert to personal preference.  Take your time in allowing the group to arrive at a decision.  The waiter can … wait. 
• In a bar:   It’s fairly routine to meet for dinner in the bar associated with a restaurant.  If you arrive first (as you should if you’re the host), go ahead and order something.  Sparkling water is fine; you can always get a glass of wine once the others arrive if it seems appropriate.  And likewise, it’s a bar … so it’s OK to order a drink.  Don’t let the consensus factor paralyze you in this case.  It’s weird to sit in a bar without a beverage of some sort. 
• Outside the US:     Interestingly, America is one of the few places where the pre-dinner drink inquiry is particularly challenging.  In those countries with legal or social prohibitions on alcohol, it’s obviously a moot point.  In most mainstream business centers in Asia, I recommend proceeding to order an alcoholic beverage.   (Remember, you don’t have to actually drink it.)  Extreme politeness might otherwise cause your colleagues to follow your lead, and that would interfere with the very standard practice of making toasts, etc.  In Europe, I also suggest just ordering a drink – it’s very much the social norm. 

Other dining decisions can be handled in a manner similar to the ordering of drinks.  If you’re at an establishment where the choice of one course or two could go either way, engage the group in making a collective decision before you place your order.  Meals can be particularly awkward if some members of the group are eating an appetizer while others watch.  A lack of consensus on dessert usually isn’t too uncomfortable, so I think it’s fine to just go ahead and decline.  (If you’re thinking of ordering an extravagant sweet, you might want to first confirm that at least one other person will also be indulging.)  As a host, it is gracious to explicitly encourage your guests to have dessert even if you have declined. 

These notes might seem a bit prescriptive, but they are really just intended as food for thought.  As with most situations, the guiding principles of common sense and good karma will serve you well. 

Bonus Etiquette Tip:  I’m sure most people have witnessed the following scene at a round restaurant table.  The first person to take a piece of bread from the basket is seized with uncertainty about which plate to use – to the left or to the right?  Awkwardness then occurs when this individual either (a) hovers a bread roll uncertainly over the table for an extended period of time, or (b) makes the wrong choice. 

This is another area where women are obliged to take the lead; courteous fellow diners will tend to offer the bread to us first.  I urge people of both genders to devote a couple of brain cells to latching this piece of information: the bread plate is on the left.  If you need to go first, just confidently place the bun on the left so everyone can relax.