So its been a while since I have posted. Foot is much better. Got all the pins out and one removal on youtube.

Check it out here

I get to transition to a regular shoe but my PT exercising has run into a snag. I can’t seem to bend my second toe at all. My big toe a little. Still working all the kinks out.

I was pretty depressed today. A job I tried for didn’t come to fruition so I felt/feel like a failure. I am looking at the good though…tryin. It wasn’t a job that required a lot of training. Didn’t have anything to do with computers or technology. So there is that. I am open to new experiences but that just wasn’t for me I guess.

They say that if you made a list of your qualities on one side and your imperfections on the other then you will live a short life. Your own eyes are far more cynical then any others. For the most part. I just got to keep moving on. Keep caring and hoping for growth. I will get there, just gotta keep my head in the game.

I have a doctors appt. coming up so hopefully they can prescribe me better meds for this Depression aura I got going on. It is emotionally staggering and utterly debilitating. Honestly I am at a loss right now. THINK POSITIVE *I say under the scoffs of self doubt* AND EVERYTHING WILL WORK ITSELF OUT.

Sitting back and re-reading this blog post was supposed to make me feel better but its doing the exact opposite. I feel worse about my anxiety then I did before. I should stop before I break down.

No.

I will keep going because that is what you are supposed to do. Persevere in the face of atrocity. Yeah that part was a little too deep but you get what I am talking about.

*Heavy sigh*

I used to think that I would have accomplished a lot more by the time of my age but I guess its never enough until the end. I saw something that broke me a little today. It was a video on Facebook that a friend posted. It featured a marathon runner. Their muscles were in complete exhaustion but they were still trying to finish the Race. It wasn’t about being first. It was about completion. Two guys (also in the race) stopped to help her. As they *each on a side* started their way back down the track, finish line visible… one other man stopped and turned to them. He started walking with them and in one fell swoop picked her up and starting running with her. As they got but a few steps from the finishing line he let her go the rest of the way. She finished the race under her power but with the help of others.

This really got me.

I am tired of being escorted. I don’t want to be lifted up. I want to be that person that turns around and helps the person behind me. I want to pick THEM up. I understand that everyone needs help at some point, I get that and I appreciate that… I am just… I don’t know. I want to run under my own power. I want to matter again. I know that all my actions are shadowed by my children’s eyes. I want them to run under their own power. I want them to never stop. I want them to never feel like they don’t matter.

They are my world… and that is why I keep turning.