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Nitroglycerin Milkshake | We're Just Trying To Hav Blog
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We're just trying to have some fun.
2018-11-08 05:47
2018-03-29 21:06
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Here comes mollusk!
Don’t ask don’t tell.
Crawling? Slithering? Whatever?
Down the street.
With his pseudo foot.
High-and-mighty.
Righty-tighty.
Like S… Read More
2018-02-16 05:25
2017-12-19 15:00
2017-11-04 19:44
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feeling kind
of folksy
a little
Annie Oakley
she said lay
your rifle
in my hands
join my
shotgun
wedding
as I walk you
down the aisle
you packing
ample round-age
b… Read More
2017-05-18 15:51
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It seemed like everyone from our janitor at work
to the President of the United States was bragging
about how “online dating” had improved their lives… Read More
2017-05-18 15:51
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Here’s my latest learnings from women’s on-line dating profiles
as well as interactions.
Abraham Lincoln: “The soul is best cleansed with vinegar… Read More
2017-05-12 21:39
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I need help.
Not so much running the Silicon Valley.
I got that covered.
Though I could use some company.
I need some help running the World.
It’s practice… Read More
2017-05-06 04:58
If you have to read something on how to be an alpha male, you’ll never be one.
If you walk into the room and you wonder who the alpha male is it’s not you buddy.
If you think th… Read More
2017-04-29 13:45
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I went to the Monster’s Ball
Everybody was there.
Nobody was there.
Heidi and Carla were there.
Their dresses were far too tight
but they knew how to sweat
S… Read More
2017-04-29 13:44
she is the light that
creates my day
I am the night consumer
of her light
she is the angels
and the heavens above
I am the devil
in the deep blue sea
she is the break
in the ocean&rsqu&helli…Read More
2017-04-29 13:44
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Just like other men across the United States the guys at work had gathered
in the break room to talk about the success of our US Women’s Beach Volleyball
tea… Read More
2017-04-15 00:16
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Like everyone else on the planet I pretty much live for
women’s beach volleyball. I was on the treadmill at the club
when I looked up at the match on TV and… Read More
2016-10-13 05:00
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Chick and Bunny were best friends.
They went to the same grade school.
They went to the same college.
They spent time in the same prison.
They were both abducted b… Read More
2016-10-11 14:29
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2016-10-08 12:49
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I tried to pull a rabbit out of a hat,
but he just wouldn’t come out.
First, I tried using a toilette plunger.
Then I tried a pair of oversized forceps.
The… Read More
2016-10-04 14:18
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The cartoonization of the work place was inevitable.
As inevitable as apple pie and motherhood.
Eventually, political correctness and lawsuits required
that we add… Read More
2016-10-03 15:04
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2016-09-29 14:29
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Card done for Hallmark Cards Read More
2016-09-26 22:46
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It was a scary puppet show.
The children cried as the parents folded their arms
in the back of the theater nodded and smiled.
Now a puppet duck was talking to a pu… Read More
2016-09-24 18:15
The President had just give his State of the Union Address
and everyone in the office was talking about their sex life.
This was a bit awkward as my boss Bill had just got out of prison
ha… Read More
2016-07-22 16:21
I live on a sidewalk in the middle of the universe.
I make chalk drawings all day long.
I know that someday the rain will come
and wash away all the colors.
Some drawings are of fish… Read More
2016-07-22 03:58
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The lake freezes solid
protecting the baby piranha
from the stomping boots
of my marching band practice
I play the tuba
God sends an angel
she dances on the ice
he… Read More
2016-07-11 23:48
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Winter turned to Spring
Spring turned to Summer.
Summer to Fall.
Still I could not get that piece of food out from between my teeth
no matter how much I flossed.
I… Read More
2016-07-01 05:33
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I like my brain.
Sometimes I even take it out from under its
dust cover and use it.
And that’s what my brain likes about me.
I don’t over use it.
Or ov… Read More
2016-07-01 05:31
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If I found a really big beautifully cut diamond,
I would break it in 2 and give you half.
Of course, it would then be worthless,
but we could share this worthlessn… Read More
2016-07-01 05:31
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Twice in the last week when my cat could not get to her cat box
she pooped in the tub.
Although I was not ecstatic about this act,
all-in-all I was about as happy… Read More
2016-06-23 04:33
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2016-06-23 04:33
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2016-06-23 04:29
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I took my monkey to Communion.
Monkey Communion.
She loved the wafers.
And she really loved the wine.
It was love chimp.
Then I realized those were Pringles.
And… Read More
2016-06-22 06:52
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2016-06-22 06:43
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2016-06-22 06:42
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2016-06-14 06:16
He was crazy.
Hawaiian shirt crazy.
But not tiny colorful umbrella in a girl drink crazy.
As he made his way to the top of the burning Empire State Building
no one would argue that it was h… Read More
2016-03-31 05:18
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2016-03-31 05:15
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2016-03-30 04:42
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I’m sitting on the pavement in the middle of the street
and I look up at the sign above the warehouse door.
It says:
“Brain Liquidators”
Interest… Read More
2016-03-16 04:04
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It seemed like everyone from the Pope to Mahatma Gandhi was accelerating
their personal growth through the powerful self-development tool of “journaling.&rdq&helli…Read More
2016-03-16 03:58
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The cartoonization of the work place was inevitable.
As inevitable as apple pie and motherhood.
Eventually, political correctness and lawsuits required
that we add… Read More
2016-02-13 21:45
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2015-12-09 21:07
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Joe: I want to be a life coach:
Me: That’s a great idea Joe. You could teach people how to be a loser.
Or how to accept their being a loser.
Joe: Or both.
Me… Read More
2015-12-09 01:31
Bad Easter Bunny farts when you leave the room and then blames it on you.
Bad Easter Bunny views pornography on your work laptop all weekend long and doesn’t clean up his viewing hist… Read More
2015-12-04 16:00
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“Dance monkey dance.”
All the children cried.
And then the monkey tipped his
hat and held out his tin cup.
A child put a quarter in and the
monkey nodd… Read More
2015-12-03 16:01
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Atomic monkey puts on a pair of pants
Indisputably proving the existence of God.
Atomic monkey ties his shoe
Confirming again that the universe is both finite and… Read More
2015-12-03 15:59
Oh man.
I really could not afford to get another ticket on my record.
So when the cop pulled me over,
I was going to do everything in my power to avoid the ticket.
Cop: Do you know why I pul… Read More
2015-12-02 19:37
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2015-12-02 17:51
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Here comes Yankee Doodle Monkey.
Star spangled
Red while and blue in his birthday suit.
Like a neon sign advertising naked monkeys
that have been painted red, whit… Read More
2015-12-02 00:28
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First I showed my bar chart.
The data conclusively showed that I was much more likely
to go to a bar that was closer to work on the way home.
Then I showed my pie… Read More
2015-12-02 00:23
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The Monkey Grand Canyon.
The Monkey Eifel Tower.
The Monkey Statue of Liberty.
The Monkey Taj Mahal.
The Monkey Golden Gate Bridge
The Monkey Great Wall of China
T… Read More
2015-12-02 00:15
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Throughout the history of business it has become necessary to regularly come up with nonsensical, but authoritative blitherings to
enable meeting avoidance.
Exampl… Read More
2015-12-01 03:31
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I wish there was a way to increase communication,
without having to actually waste my time talking to people.
I’m thinking about hiring a monkey with a stick… Read More
2015-12-01 03:23
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My boss said a trained monkey
could do my job.
Great now I have to compete
against educated monkeys.
I wonder what makes him think he
can treat a monkey
the way he… Read More
2015-12-01 03:19
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One monkey stood out from all the other the monkeys.
He was the one that was standing up.
All the other monkeys were sitting in their monkey chairs
reading a magaz… Read More
2015-11-29 15:28
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it,
does it make a sound?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
If a tree falls on a bear taking a shit in the woods
I’m pretty… Read More
2015-11-28 15:14
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I went to the Snake Tea Party.
Actually, I hosted the Snake Tea Party.
Actually, I hosted the Snake Tea Party dressed in a tuxedo
made of mongooses.
There was a p… Read More
2015-11-28 15:14
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When the snakes returned we stood
on our front porch and pumped our fists in the air.
Chanting proudly:
“USA! USA! USA!”
This had little effect on th… Read More
2015-11-28 15:13
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It was “snake” music clear and simple.
You know the kind they like to listen to
when they’re being charmed out of a basket.
Though with the extra… Read More
2015-11-27 15:14
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The town decided to throw a parade for all its snakes.
They replaced the Bullwinkle balloon from the Thanksgiving Day Parade with a balloon of a giant snake.
Peopl… Read More
2015-11-27 15:13
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Sounded like a good idea at the time.
As most ideas involving snakes and explosives do.
But after we locked ourselves in the bank vault
with the snakes and explos… Read More
2015-11-27 15:12
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I’ve reached a point in life that it doesn’t take much to make me happy.
Just seeing a dead snake on the side of the road
puts me in a better mood.
Th… Read More
2015-11-26 14:55
“One size fits all.”
I found this claim hard to believe.
So I set out to try on a number of the aforementioned items.
The 1st one.
Perhaps a bit roomy, but I would have to… Read More
2015-11-26 14:53
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It seems like everywhere I’m go “bears” are causing problems.
And sometimes even malicious mischief.
Janitor: I’m sorry sir this bathroom i… Read More
2015-11-26 14:51
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Everybody watched in stunned silence as the water balloons
started arriving from outer space.
With a splish here and a splash there.
At first it seemed like fun… Read More
2015-11-26 03:30
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Last night I dreamed I was in my cat suit
dragging a steak passed the dog pound.
All the dogs looked a bit like Marmaduke.
None of them looked like dolphins.
Life… Read More
2015-11-26 03:13
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Here I am right now just floating.
Floating in space.
Like a piece of cheese.
In a pool or on a cloud.
Or in a pool full of clouds.
Or in the ocean.
Or in an ocean… Read More
2015-11-26 02:06
Sometimes out of necessity you need to get your ducks in a row.
There are mallards.
There are whatever other kind of ducks there are besides mallards.
When they get in a row it’s kind… Read More
2015-11-25 16:58
Today you should think about others.
For once in your god damn life.
After you drink the last cup of coffee at work
you might actually consider brewing another pot.
Or at least c… Read More
2015-11-25 16:39
Sometimes I like to be helpful.
I say to my boss: “Is there anything I can do to help?”
Or: “Is there anything I can possibly do to help?”
Or even: “What in God… Read More
2015-11-24 05:32
Who named grapefruit?
Perhaps someone who had never seen a grape
as a grapefruit in no way resembles a grape.
Perhaps they also didn’t already realize
that a grape was already fruit.
T… Read More
2015-11-24 05:28
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I enter a side door that said: “North Pole Popcorn Factory.”
There were row upon row upon row of Christmas trees.
The elves were pulling down the stra… Read More
2015-11-24 05:26
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They say a monkey invented the “monkey wrench”
What a strange presumption.
It was an orangutan that invented this wrench.
It was just too complicated a… Read More
2015-11-22 15:28
Let bygones be bygones.
Screw bygones.
Screw them left of Sunday!
If they’re gone they’re gone.
Bye bye bygones.
And why should I just let bygones be bygones.
That’s just l… Read More
2015-11-21 23:37
Walmart CEO: Is it black Friday yet?
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“I am become…”
As was their way they first softened things up with a
barrage of Tomahawk cruise missiles lau… Read More
2015-11-20 22:01
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In the middle of the parade for the President
some guy standing next to me that looked like some
kind of hippy anarchist said:
“He’s not my President… Read More
2015-11-07 01:49
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Some people say that variety is the spice of life.
Others say that love makes the world go around.
Still, others say that loneliness enjoys company.
Such people as… Read More
2015-09-21 01:12
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A lot of people are familiar with the phrase, “Oh, the humanity…”
regarding the Hindenburg.
What most don’t know is… there was a 2… Read More
2015-09-09 19:04
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Then my brain said: “Ahhh, that’s just the alcohol talking.”
So since the alcohol was talking I asked the beer
I was drinking what he thought.
… Read More
2015-09-03 05:15
2015-08-17 06:01
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Judge at Grand Jury to 2 police officers:
“So you and your partner violated his civil rights.”
1st Cop: “We were just playing Bad-Cop/Bad-Co… Read More
2015-08-13 23:16
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2015-08-13 20:37
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break the priceless diamond
in half and pour the pennies
into the hands of the billionaires
using a proper trash receptacle
dispose of the worthless
diamond shell… Read More
2015-08-12 04:42
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Let’s all dash to the haberdashery.
Let’s all dash to the haberdashery.
Let’s all dash to the haberdashery.
And buy some stainless steel zippers Read More
2015-08-05 00:53
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Word Press Editors: We have had complaints about your “cat”
material from some of the readers.
Me: Someone reads this stuff?
Editors: Like the DMV we t… Read More
2015-08-04 05:13
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Everywhere you go in the world today you encounter “cat politics.”
“Where’s my squeak mouse?!! Is it under the couch again?!!”
&ldqu&helli…Read More
2015-07-24 05:37
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Our cat was a chameleon.
Always playing the part,
but never a bridesmaid.
Not unexpectedly we ran out of cat food.
I’d never seen a cat tap dance befor… Read More
2015-07-23 06:33
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Few people know that porcupines are amphibians.
Few that is… except for frogs.
Ask a frog if a porcupine is an amphibian after the frog has swallowed
that… Read More
2015-07-16 03:32
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God usually gets it right.
Here’s an example.
Although they say we do know what color the dinosaurs were
in every painting and/or depiction of dinosaurs we… Read More
2015-07-13 05:59
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My day at the zipper factory was substantially less satisfactory than expected.
First, there were no coat hangers in the front lobby.
No coat hangers upon which to… Read More
2015-07-12 18:24
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2015-07-08 04:40
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When I’m down
I think about “levitating cheese.”
Levitating cheese in prison.
Safe where it can’t hurt anyone.
Life is good again.
Like a f… Read More
2015-07-01 15:41
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At the State of the Union Address the President
said we would balance the budget when pigs could fly.
This caused great alarm in the pig community
and a subsequent… Read More
2015-07-01 05:09
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I hate when you’re in a hurry and you rush to grab one
of the last seats in the theatre only to end up sitting on a blowfish,
the kind with all the spikes a… Read More
2015-06-30 15:36
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My mother used to tell me stories about the “Tooth Fairy”,
which I believed until one night I woke up with a tooth under
my pillow and found the room f… Read More
2015-06-28 02:36
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Often we are given the choice of
“Either Or…”
Example:
Doctor: Either you pay me in cash now or I’ll diagnose you with cancer.
Example:
Ma… Read More
2015-06-24 05:24
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here comes Santa Claus
here comes Santa Claus
breaking down your door
trying to take you away
here comes Santa Claus
here comes Santa Claus
kicking in the face of… Read More
2015-06-23 15:44
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As part of the natural progression of things,
eventually a piece of cheese was elected President.
Finally, America was relevant again to the world.
The Pope annou… Read More
2015-06-19 05:41
2015-05-30 19:27
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Wearing a rubber chicken duct-taped
to my forehead, I was confident entering
the job interview.
My career coach had been right
Then I noticed the candidate sitti… Read More
2015-02-21 21:52
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My cat tapped gently on my face to wake me.
She meowed: “There’s too many alligators.”
Me: Preposterous.
My cat: Hippopotamus.
There was a shar… Read More
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