Writing this is more painful for me than it is for you reading it

Since I was about the age of ten I have hated myself. The mirror is no friend of mine, and if I can I won’t look into it. When I see a picture of myself I get tears in my eyes because I truly don’t like what I see. I have to carry that pain with me every day.

Before you write me off as a person who wants to complain, let me be very clear, no one is forcing you to read this. My reasons for writing down something so personal goes far back and I have explained myself to those who needed an explanation. I am also not an unhappy person. My life is amazing and I have been blessed with so many people who genuinely care about me. I am not depressed, I am not always unhappy, but I will never find myself to be beautiful.

When I was younger I lived in the hopes that my pain would pass. My parents told me I would learn to Love myself, and I did, however, I never could love my appearance. When I think about what makes me into the person I am, I think about kindness, respect for all people, and humor. As a matter of fact, if you wanted to compliment me, don’t call me pretty, call me funny. Is that a defense mechanism? Perhaps. However, it is also simply because I value personality much higher than physical attraction.

I never wanted to be this negative. I imagine no one wants to be this negative. If you can look at yourself, and find at least one thing you find beautiful about yourself, you don’t know how I feel. If you, while reading this, find that you understand me just know that you are not alone. I know we all have moments when we feel less attractive, and we feel like everyone else around us are better than us, but for me this is constant. This is a constant feeling I am forced to take with me everywhere, and it’s exhausting.

By now you might be wondering why I decided to write this. To be truthful with you, I myself am not sure. However, I have learned in my life that if I feel something, there will certainly be others out there feeling the same. So I’m writing this for you, to either educate you about the fact that you can never know the struggles other people face, or to let you know tat there are others out there like you. Do I agree that the model industry has created an unhealthy image of being skinny? Yes. But I also don’t agree with people who need to tear others down to feel better about themselves. I have always been skinny and I hate it. I would give anything to be able to gain weight and look full. The truth is that just because you are skinny or not, neither is more beautiful than the other. I have constantly met people who have called me “a bag of bones”, or accused me of having an eating disorder. Just because you feel some type of way about yourself, that doesn’t give you the right to tear someone else apart, and honestly if you are one of those people who share posts favoring a certain body type, tearing someone apart is exactly what you are doing.

I see Beauty all around me. When I walk out the door, when I log onto social media, when I watch TV, all I see is beauty. Beauty that comes in all colors, shapes, and sizes. What I don’t see is beauty in myself, and I don’t see understanding from others. When I have attempted to talk to my friends about this, I’ve been told I’m seeking attention. When I have attempted to alter my appearance, I’ve been told I’m fake.

As humans, we judge more than we often understand. We tell people what to do with their bodies, we tell people how they should behave, and we tell people there is one right answer. The truth though is that there is no one right answer for all people. What’s right to me, might be wrong for you, and that’s ok. I know it’s easy to pass judgment when you don’t understand someone’s choice, but I ask you to try. Try to understand that the girl who got breast implants didn’t do that to hurt or upset you, in fact, you have nothing to do with it at all. She did it because she wanted to, and perhaps because she needed to like herself a little bit more than she did before.

While you might feel that the media is to blame, you need to start with yourself. Michael Jackson said he was starting with the man in the mirror, and I urge us all to do the same. I don’t know if I will ever be able to love my own face and body, but I definitely love what I see in other people. I see eyes that tell endless stories, lips that reveal the truth, noses small and big, and all of it together make out the exceptional individuals that make out the world.

While I might have to keep working on myself to achieve my own acceptance, the love I receive from others keep me alive. I am lucky because I have someone I love more than anything, and his love for me makes me want to love myself. When he looks into my eyes I feel beautiful, and that’s more than enough for me.

If I could have one wish, I wish that the next time you feel the need to comment on someone else, you reconsider your intentions. Perhaps you will realize that making someone else feel worse, will not make you feel better, and instead, you might have helped that person not hate themselves that day.