It’s the 10th edition of Things I Heard in Medical School! Thank you to everyone who reads and shares these — it means a lot to me and encourages me to keep making these posts. Okay enough sappy talk. Let’s jump right into the hot mess that was the end of Term 2.

Students

Me: “I’m going to be a nice person today” — My friend: “I’m not.”

“Round as a veggie burger.”

*pen falls to the floor* “Oh, because that’s exactly where I wanted you to go.”

“Is that a Maine thing?”

“They probably have us labeled as “clingy brown girls” on their phone.”

“This isn’t even relevant. They did this shit on rats.”

*waving hands across whiteboard* “All this is f—ed up.”

Me: “You are eating like a pregnant person.”  —  My friend: “There is no time to get pregnant! I meant BE pregnant. Nooooo!”

Friend 1: “You know some people make their placenta into a pill and eat it.”  —Me: “Some people just straight up eat it.” — Friend 2: “People wear PJs?”

“No one here is good looking.”

“I don’t know anything about immuno, but I know the bird’s name in the video.”

“Heaven forbid I actually remember something useful.”

“I feel like a Th17 cell.”

“Oh my god you pee!”

Me: “You can be my snare any day.” —  Friend: “I’m not your snare!” — Me: “But I want to dock!”

“The head controls a lot of higher level shit.”

“It’s going to get infected and he is going to lose a ball!”

*Hears a girl screaming in the hall* TA: “She isn’t dying so it doesn’t matter.”

“Like when you get blackout drunk and then you piss the bed in your sleep… not saying I’ve done that…. but automatic bladder!”

Genetics

“Who cares what the allele frequency is for cystic fibrosis. This is a brother and sister marrying each other!!!!”

“Don’t ever look up XXX on the Internet.”

“So when you have paracen–uh… Oh gosh. I hate this stuff.”

“You all look stupid tired.”

“If you mess with the HOX gene would you see a Hindu goddess?”

Neuroscience

“I’m not a housewife. I am a houseman.”

Professor: “If someone is not oriented what can cause it? — Student: “Diabetes.”

“Are you ready? No? I don’t care. I might look like I care, but I don’t.”

“Wipe that smile off your face! We don’t tolerate joy here.”

“The higher cortex will decide whether it’s a good time to take a leak or not.”

“Let’s pretend this is a medical student. So you wake up at 7 a.m. and then you have to sit in class because of that 80 percent attendance rule. I’m sorry.”

“So when it is time to wake up, you might hear the chirping of the birds… or the goats.”

“It’s so funny that we are the most sleep deprived individuals, while we teach about the importance of sleep. What irony.”

“When you are declaring somebody dead, you have to be very very sure.”

Physiology

*Hears an excessive yawn from class* Professor: “Really? I’m boring you that much? Dang.”

“Y’all are trying to be smart asses.”

Professor: “Does everybody get that?” — *dead silence* — Professor: “It’s 8 o’clock in the morning what do I expect.”

“The best thing you can do for the heart in terms of work is to stop it. But that won’t really help the patient.”

“Soooo everything you learned about pre-load and after-load is wrong. I know you all finally got the hang of it. But yeah…”

“Now we have a valve that farts out blood!”

“I have all of these attractive guys around me so I’m not pulled any which way.”

“I know you guys get really angsty about these clicker questions and it’s just not worth the stress… for me.”

*Professor explaining slides and student pulls out phone*  Professor: “Oh someone is taking a selfie!”