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exes and ohs

having an ex in a shared group of friends is … confusing

my most recent ex boyfriend and I share a good group of friends, there’s about 10 of us altogether

and when we first broke up it was just irritating to see what he was saying in our group chat and over snapchat because I didn’t want to know what he was doing or what Dumb Shit he had to say

now I still don’t really care to know what he’s doing but it doesn’t hurt me like it used to, which is good

but it was less *painful* when we first broke up because he was such a dick to me that everything he said and did just made me angry

but recently, like over the past month or so, he’s tacitly acknowledged that he was a dick and has been really nice to me, in an attempt to make up for how badly he treated me

which is nice because now we get along in social settings and I don’t feel like everything he says in the group is a subtweet at me anymore. it’s definitely a more comfortable situation now that we’re generally on good terms

however

now that the group dynamic and interactions (including me and Mitch’s interactions) are basically back to how they were before, it’s so much more obvious to me why I was attracted to him in the first place

which may not make any sense? but hear me out:

i.e. we have very similar tastes in Music, so when he brings up music that he likes or I bring up music that I like, we both respond to each other like we used to – we always used to have really good talks about music (and other stuff too but in the beginning stages of our relationship, most of it was music)

i.e. our senses of humor are really similar so 9 times out of 10 when one of us cracks a joke, the other one laughs. or even if we don’t laugh we still appreciate and enjoy the content

and it’s those kind of interactions specifically that remind me SO MUCH of how we started talking and the period of time when we were simultaneously realizing that we really enjoyed each other’s presence and thoughts.

that may have been a really confusing way of putting it

but the reason I was even thinking about this today was because I haven’t seen him in a couple weeks but tonight we were both at our good friend’s graduation party

and we sat next to each other and just chatted with our friend nick about music and memes and just dumb shit the whole time

and every time he said something funny that I found myself laughing at, or every time he brought up some music and we had a good chat about it, it just reminded me so much of the “talking” stage of our relationship, before we actually started dating

and I guess that hurts a little?

I don’t want to get back together with him, especially after how he treated me (and also bc I think he’s vaguely dating this other girl that he broke up with me to be with, which also kind of hurts)

so I don’t miss him specifically, but I just miss having someone like him

someone that shares a sense of humor with me and someone that I can talk about music with and other random shit for hours until 5am and not get bored of

when I think about our actual relationship (and not the dumb shit that happened during the week leading up to when he broke up with me), I really enjoyed every moment that we spent together. I loved being around him and I loved spending time with him and we had great banter and a really satisfying dynamic (satisfying in the sense that we were just really good together, we fit together like the last two pieces of a puzzle)

and I guess I just miss that.

and I wish I could have that again, just not with him

hopefully I will have that again sometime down the line

the best word I can think of to describe the feeling in my chest that I get every time I giggle at something funny he says or every time he gets excited about a song is pang

pang (n): a sharp attack of mental anguish

it feels like the painful emotional equivalent of a single throb in my heart

it just hurts a little

~




This post first appeared on Blve Shade, please read the originial post: here

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