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Hey D.W.D.I. Family!

    I know I've been away for some time, and I pray that you all will forgive my absence.  To be honest, I have had a lot going on over the past few months. From family illnesses to friends losing jobs.  I have even had my own freelance work being reduced to nothing not because I did poor work but because the person in charge keeps the work for himself.  This job helped me pay my bills (including my unexpected medical bills and my necessary montly prescription that still does not have a generic form yet, smh) and helped me become more independent so it's been a very difficult hit financially.  Even now, I cannot help anyone else or myself really and I have a large student loan bill due in a week that I have no way of paying, and that's after getting my payment lowered.  I was so thankful when that job came along to pay that bill but now the struggles I went through to keep that account current, including working on another project that is never-ending and trying to start my own business doing the same work, just won't come through for me on time.  I have other friends in similar situations regarding their finances.  I really had hoped to talk to you all again in happier times and figured it would be soon, but soon has not been as soon as I would have liked and it has been tiring.

   Honestly, D.W.D.I. Family, I am just tired and I feel spent from doing all of this scrambling for the past few months while trying to take care of myself physically and just live.  I feel that life has been getting to me slowly but surely.  It is tiring worrying about aging grandparents.  It is tiring worring about a brother who does not understand that life is tougher than it looks and that he needs to buckle down.  It is tiring dealing with my parents' struggles.  It is tiring watching people around me, including myself, struggle to find jobs or to make ends meet.  Even the church I was going to just seemed to not have a good message for me anymore, which prompted a fruitless church search.  I also participated in a Bible Study to help with dealing with disappointment and worry but that had to be temporarily stopped due to reasons out of our control.

     I think that all of these mounting worries and pressures have made it hard for me to be motivated for interviews or for completing this project because I just feel so drained.  I have already asked and burdened my parents enough so I feel like this added stress is too much with everything else we have going on financially.  I have been trying to maintain relationships with other people, including friends and family and my special "friend" (more details about him in future happier times).  I just feel that I have given and given to the point where I have nothing left to give.  I am battling feeling hurt and left by God.  I have been for some time but have only admitted it recently.  My faith has wained but I know that I still have a mustard seed amount left.  I have wondered for quite some times if God just was not hearing my prayers or why he has said no to me for every job for which I have interviewed.  My head keeps hearing the lies from the enemy by worrying and crying over losing yet something else; yet, my heart keeps telling me to hold on because God loves me, will never leave me, and he will provide for my needs.  It is making it harder to appreciate the little things, but I am happy to say that I had some good laughs with friends and family today.  It reminded me of my carefree pre-student loan debt days, lol!  It has even made it hard for me to blog to you all because I felt unworthy of writing to you all again.  I have even just tried to walk away for feeling unworthy but I feel God pulling me back to you all.

   If I have not said it before, I will say it now: I am not perfect.  I am far from it actually.  I make mistakes EVERY DAY and I do not want y'all to think otherwise.  I am a normal person just like y'all and I am striving to do better each day.  I think that at this point I just need God to fill me like he did Elijah and Jesus and countless others both past and present.  I need a breakthrough.  My friends need breakthroughs.  It is just a matter of lasting until it happens, I have realized, rather than thinking that it may not happen.  It is about believing that every believer out there will regain every thing the enemy has stolen from us as Job did.  It is about allowing God to carry our burdens, ending our worrying, and holding on to that mustard seed of faith Jesus speaks of in Matthew.  It is easier said than done but I am tired of doing anything else, y'all.

    My mustard seed of faith prompted me to search the Internet for "God" and "unanwered prayers."  I found this post.  I feel that it helped to give me peace so I wanted to link you all to it: God has not forgotten you-Chosen One Minstries.  This post is lengthy but worth reading, even if broken into sections.  It blessed me today when I have been feeling my lowest and I pray that it blesses you all, too.

Be blessed, and I will talk to you soon!

Love,
CCC


This post first appeared on Deliciously Waiting On Divine Intervention, please read the originial post: here

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