I am not a bad person.

I am a lot of things but I definitely don’t see myself as bad.

The other day I received an email from a lovely woman; I had been helping her with her writing of a travel book. She had asked me to get involved and I was happy to help her out and she was even going to come to Edinburgh to further her research for her book and wanted to meet.

We had been emailing back and forth about her visit but I was reluctant to make solid plans and the reason for this is, well I am so shy around new people and I can turn into a bit of a sheep. I normally hope that the others will take the lead and take the pressure off me. It’s a defence strategy I developed early in life, where I don’t control the choices so I can’t be the reason for others disappointment. I am happy to disappear into the crowd unnoticed and play along.

Well this didn’t happen this time, as the woman was relying on me as she didn’t know Edinburgh. This was the mistake, she relied on me to make a decision and I couldn’t make it (not her fault ovs) because someone with Social Anxiety can’t make plans with strangers or if they do its ones they know someone will happily cancel to avoid the meeting.

This is a sad broken record for me, the same song played over and over.

The constant chat of “we should meet up...” and the polite “yeah...” response never to be followed up, unless pushed.

The push is good though, I NEED the push. I need to be dragged out into the world as I can often find myself caged in-between the “safe” walls of my home as I am comfortable there, I am in control there. I miss out there.

The day before I was to meet her I received the email that I had to confirm plans as she was busy and I cancelled. This lovely woman I had been helping and chatting to, I cancelled on her. What a bitch I am.

It was the day before we flew out for our first big family holiday as a family of 4 and I was not organised but I knew this visit was happening, I knew it was planned for the day before holiday and I didn’t spur myself on the get organised, maybe this was so I had an excuse? Maybe I am so flighty, that I thought I could handle it all but SURPRISE! I couldn’t.

“Social Anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. You could say social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people. It is a pervasive disorder and causes anxiety and fear in most all areas of a person's life. It is chronic because it does not go away on its own.” The way to get over it...to face it head on!

People with social anxiety can be seen by others as being shy, quiet, backward, withdrawn, inhibited, unfriendly, nervous, aloof, and disinterested. I get that a lot, also that I am rude.

My parents would describe me as shy, I guess I am when around lots of people I don't know.

I want to make friends, be included in groups, and to be involved and engaged in social situations. But having social anxiety prevents me from being able to do the things I want to do. Although I am friendly, open, and sociable, it is fear that holds me back from going places, meeting people and experiencing new things.

When I do attend or socialise I can become exhausted from "keeping face" as I am always switched on to maximum. I may disappear through the night/event, retreat to some quiet to recharge and prepare me for more interaction.

I haven't always been like this, well I guess I have always been cautious and shy but I was never one to turn down a meet up. Over time though I have become more cautious and this has lead to me to become fearsome of most social situations. Did having children do this to me?

I know that my thoughts and actions are irrational but they feel very real to me. I have been working on this for sometimes and if you get me on a good day, then I am go go go Mrs Sociable. Alcohol helped me relax into these situations but as I have been avoiding it has lead me too me becoming more of a hermit and I am enjoying it. I like my own company and though I love those around me too, it can all get a little much at times.

Sadly more often than not I am the girl that people think is being rude but I don’t mean it. I am sorry, I am not a bad person, or rude person. I am a scared person fighting everyday to keep up with issues with socialising. I want to talk to you, get to know you but my own insecurities are stopping me.

Be kind to the quiet person in the corner of the room, she may be struggling.