Dependent Personality Disorder, or dpd for short, is… well, a personality disorder. And I know you’re not supposed to self diagnose, but it’s something I’ve done great amounts of research on and it’s something I think I may be dealing with…

“The symptoms of dependent personality disorder primarily include a long-standing need for the person to be taken care of and a fear of being abandoned or separated from important individuals in his or her life.” (Psych Central).

People with this disorder are often characterized as “clingy” and “needy” because they depend on others for basic tasks or even their happiness.

The disorder often comes with self-doubt and belittling one’s abilities and skills, saying they are incapable of doing something alone.

People with dpd (straight from PsychCentral):

• Has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others
• Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life
• Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval
• Has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)
• Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant
• Feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself
• Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends
• Is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself

Alright. So, how is this me. What has brought me to this conclusion that I (may) have dpd?

A few things.

So I first realized this a year ago but more and more, things from the past connect to the possible source of this.

Lets start a while back… one of my exes. After we broke up, though I no longer had feelings for him, it took soooo long to let go of him. I didn’t love him anymore, or even like him, but I couldn’t let go.

When a relationship, even if it’s just with a friend, goes sour and we stop talking, it hits me hard and a voice constantly tells me that it’s my fault they left…even if it wasn’t.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, almost a year and a half ago now (woah!) I got really clingy…really fast. We talked, and still do talk, 24/7, and as soon as we weren’t talking, I’d feel so empty and lost and alone. We would call or text way after hours because I didn’t want to hang up and be without him.

A normal teenage thing right? I’ve been told that.

But the overwhelming amount of anxiety I feel without him, when we aren’t talking… I don’t think that’s “normal” exactly.

I question things I say because it would be devastating to lose him. I know I’d be lost if I wasn’t with him.

I question things he says and look way too far into things, worrying about deeper meanings or things he’s not telling me.

Sure, him being away for school doesn’t help this anxiety, but it doesn’t go away and it keeps me up if I don’t take melatonin before bed.

When he’s in classes and we can’t talk, I feel so alone. I feel drawn to message him and it hurts when he doesn’t answer sometimes… even though I know he’s busy.

When he talks to someone new I worry they’ll fill up all his time and I won’t talk to him as much. Or if it’s another girl that they’ll try to take him from me and break us up, or that he’ll leave me for them.

The amount of reassuring he does for this alone… it’s…. a lot.

I worry I’m bugging him. That I’m being too clingy.

I still message him as much as we can. We call often. We have a code.. “face”, when we want one another to send a picture because we miss the other (cheesy?).

I see him every 2-3 weeks, and the time between is hell.

My anxiety goes crazy, my mood drops completely, and I’m just waiting to see him again. In all honesty, most of my day is talking to him or waiting till I can talk to him.

That may sound weird or boring, but I really don’t mind. It may also sound unhealthy, and you’re probably right about that one.

But like many others, I like being dependent… until it goes sour. I like depending on him, being so close to him, talking all day. It makes me feel wanted and important because I know he’s there for me.

When it goes sour… when we can’t talk for a while and I question if he’s ignoring me (even though I know he’s busy), when I have a meltdown because I’m leaving after a visit with him that didn’t feel long enough in the slightest…but ideally I’d never have to leave. These things hit me so hard and tear me apart.

It’s hard to explain and it may seem crazy to some or you may have the same “eh that’s normal” reaction… to each their own opinion.

But it’s not easy, and I’m still trying to get a grasp on it all.

I’m so thankful that my boyfriend helps me through this and understands that stuff ain’t easy. We all need a safety net… but the dependency on my end… eh probably isn’t the greatest.

I hope that you may have learned something from this, or maybe it helped you knowing a name for how you’re feeling.

Stay strong,

Xx

Cass