The past is a blueprint to what will happen down the road, shaping us into who we are, want to be, and the object blocking our roads to get there.   To find the freedom to shake off whatever happen to you as a kid seems to be the common majority. Your parents inevitably "messed you up" and of course, they didn't do it like you would have, will have or plan to. The truth is, they were simply trying to overcome some of the same hurtles, and avoid the pitfalls of their own up brining. I spent a chunk of my 20s in a therapist office trying to understand the actions of a father, the confusion of a divorce, a tie to food, a love of men, a ego the size of Vermont, you know ..minor stuff . What came of it was a few answers but none as massive as an understanding that whatever she or he did, they were doing their best. ( Side note, doing your "best" doesn't mean a free pass to bad behavior, some of which a nice medication cocktail or therapist of their own would have resolved). To see past, pun intended, the actions or words as more than just being a terrible human, sheds light on the idea that there was a reason for how and what they did. We are coached young to be as warm hearted or reserved as they want us to be. To think a father unable to show love, genuine or not, stems from something years in the making, even tutored long ago. ( Second side note, you might ask if they blame now shifts to another generation of shaky influences but I assure you, it can be traced back to the dawn of time, and who has that kind of time?)





Sometime after 30, there was a valuable lesson that has carried me nearly to this point. A side street veers left and it tells you "you gotta stop blaming others for what your life is." There is a real sense of scapegoating for years, blame someone else for the actions I took upon myself, and unless you get off the ride, you could blame and point fingers all the way to rehab, foreclosure, divorce, depression , 500 pounds, should I go on ( Third Side Note, not all of those apply to self but I've been a real sad fatty at times). I found myself in several terrible situations where I verbally admitted someone else got me to this point. The actions of the past made me do reckless things , and I could keep doing them  as long as he was the villain.  I sense that whatever I choose to do with my life now, how I take care of my mental playground, even more so than my physical, will alter what is to come. While its not rocket science, there is a real alarming take on what I choose to do with my life. Maybe the career I lived and breathed by isn't as large, or maybe the priorities with how much down time I take, what I do with it, and where I go matter more as they will carry me that much further in the time ahead.

There is of course a cause and affect to every thing, and things are forever shaping us. Some are easier  to overcome and some take years of hard work to get past. The idea that what I type now, or say tomorrow, changes the thought process and systematically reroutes the plan inches to the left or right.

The framework of what I want depends on every single decision I make in the now. Friendships I would have sat in for years now are ended quicker or changed faster, as they may destroy ahead. Its a hypersensitive drivers seat  and in that vehicle, whatever you do in it .... is totally connected to what has already been done but mailable, tangible , to what you do today.