I have been writing this post for nearly 16 days, trying to put words to feelings about the love I have shared for now, 8 years. In order to understand its pinnacle, there is room to see the life lived behind closed doors. For every external, visible observation, there are mounds of real life that no one gets to see.
When we met, I had truly just come off a wild ride I was sure I would never get off of. There were tremendous ups and downs that prohibited any possible room for a relationship or even a start of one. I spent most of my 20's digging my way out a hole that made for myself. Ironically, as a climbed out of my mess, there was a figure standing there ... waiting.
To say he is a the reward to my several years of looking inward, stumbling back and then fighting for my individuality is an understatement. To say he saved me is wrong , as I had to save myself prior to allow his presence to be felt. He was the reward, because I had worked so hard to make it right. The world only gives you what you are ready to receive, and while no one is really ready for anything, the timing is imperative.
The world also is a mirror. As I had fought to find myself for the years leading up to us, he battled during our time together. While I wear my emotions on my Bloomingdale's sleeve, he holds up fort , or did, protecting and searching for his own chance to find his true self. In year 8, as I have found our path , its his story to tell, not mine.
Behind the closed doors, lays the truth. There is the version you see on Aisle 6 at your local supermarket , and then there is the raw, visible honesty that turns off the lights each night. For my part, I spent many moments trying to pretend and be what you wanted me to be. The loudest (still am) , funniest ( top 3) or say the most outrageous jab (you welcome) all mean nothing when the alarm clock goes off in the morning. Those actual real moments are the deepest cuts right to the truth, and you can spend you life pretending for him (or her) or you can be stripped down to the most pain searing you.
Year 1 is a blurring message of two trying to still figure out how this whole thing works. ( Side note, do we ever really have it all figured out?) . There are bouts of pretending or even hiding the flaws, but at some point, and I can't tell you when, it all fades and from that second on, its pure bliss. When you hide for years, there is nothing that refreshes you more than finding partnership to be crystal clear with. Its not easy, its not simple, and it doesn't mean its a fairy tale, but there is adventure, and its a trip worth taking.
