So. Damn. Confusing. We feel for you. Two pedals between that opening in the floorboard to choose from in that rolling piece of shit that was a new car when Reagan was threatening to blow the Commies off the globe– a mental image none of us should ever picture again in our life time– and you’re just baffled. (We know there’s no way in hell you’ve got a stick; just counting that high is hard enough for people that are stupid, and shifting a manual transmission is bordering on brain surgery for folks just like you.).

It’s easy to understand. You cannot decide which pedal to press. You like them both so much when you’re planted behind the steering wheel. All people are stupid, but it seems like you are out to prove the point driving down the road using the wrong pedal for miles. (Hint: It’s the big pedal where your feet are that makes the car STOP.) Trust us on this one. You don’t have to keep your Croc on the brake for 30 miles. We all get it when you’re Attempting to slow down, but riding the brake doesn’t help one bit. Except if you happen to like seeing middle fingers pointed right your way. (This time it’s just one finger, so hopefully even you can work out that sort of sign language pointed at your ugly mug.).

Confused yet? Its even more complicated. If you’re attempting to win the “People are Stupid ” race, you’re right at the front of the pack, buddy. Remember those big-ass pedals we talked earlier? Well, it would seem there are two. (Need help counting? Go ahead. Pull those Crocs off, so you can count on your toes, too. I’ll wait.).

Ready to move one, or do you need to take a nap to keep up with the conversation? Ok. Moving on … that one pedal we talked about makes the car stop. Complicated, huh? But wait, there’s even more. That OTHER pedal? That’s the one that makes you go faster. If you’re uncertain how to determine when you’re going faster (you know, going from 25 mph to 35 mph in a 55 mph zone), you might need to turn up the radio to hear over your open windows. Yeah, the ones that work with a crank. If you had something the rest of us call “air conditioning” this wouldn’t be an option, so maybe the remainder of the people who suck in the world should be glad you’re not an early adopter. (By the way … all people suck. Lucky for you, if you’re checking out this rant, you suck a little bit less. But we still don’t actually like you. Get a life! Do you really need us to validate your existence?).

Bottom line? And we’ll try and use teensy, tiny words here so that you can keep up: Speed the F#@$! up. Please press the “GAS” pedal a bit harder when you see a pileup of 30 cars all clogged behind your “Driving Miss Daisy” loving ass. And stop riding the F@#$%ING! brakes unless you’re attempting to slow down. Get it? Of course not. We understand better … did I mention I hate people?