#NowPlaying: Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift
Dear Friend,
So yesterday was quite a whirlwind. Until now, I'm still trying to fathom all that had happened. So I went to a friend's house for an afternoon snack, *cough*cookies*cough, and went to the basketball court to see my friends and then it rained. Not just any kind of rain. It was a freakin monster of a storm. No umbrella or amount of shielding had worked. We were all drenched and battered. We found sanctuary in our friend's house where we were lent clothes and towels , eventually, my friends hitched a ride with me so they could go back to school. That's pretty much a brief summary of that hectic day aka yesterday. But besides the experience of getting soaked in the rain with seven awesome people, it was the feelings harbored and accompanying that moment that made that day a whirlwind.
I guess I should start by saying that I've been my most conflicted self lately. This might seem a bit odd, but I'm not so happy that I'm happy. You're probably thinking, 'What the actual fuck is this girl saying? Who doesn't want to be happy?'. In this case, I guess, it's me. I can't explain in detail all the things I'm feeling right now, but they've grown deeper than I had expected. I'm literally shaking and tearing up right now because of all the confusion in my head. It feels like a war between my heart and my head, emotions versus better judgement. I'm about to burst and it's only 10 am. And you don't know how much I hate myself right now.
I'm getting sidetracked again, so I'll just say my piece.
These past few days have been the best. They've been wonderful, actually. But somewhere in between the laughs and the silly little conversations, I started to feel differently. With every smile makes, I find myself
dumbfounded and stumped. When he said he loved being the first to speak to me, or how he'd put others before himself. His random acts of kindness. That little skip my heart makes and the fact that I can't stop smiling as we speak, I hate all of it. Because I know I shouldn't be feeling any of it. I promised myself I wouldn't go down the road of false pretenses again. And you have no idea how hard I'm trying to fight it off. Then there he is, all perfect an charming and wonderful. All that a girl could ever want and more, but you know you can't fall in love with him because he's way out of your league. And then here I am, head vs heart. I try to keep a straight face and keep my feelings at bay... and then my heart goes and make me do crazy things. People do crazy things well their in love, they say. But sadly, I don't need to be. Being me is reckless enough.
And you know, that's only part one of the said dilemma. I think I might be harboring feelings for another person as well. He may or may not know this, but I've been in and out of love with him for the longest time. I don't know if he's figured it out yet, but I'm trying so hard to make him see how much I still care about him. I aimed it to be in a friendly way, but it's morphed itself into something more...Ugh. This is where it being human and having human feelings suck big time. Just when you think you're okay, boom. Emotions kick in.
It's a balancing act, my friend. It's where you try to balance friendship and emotions and everything else. The man up in the sky has really been resting me. Sigh.
And I guess, I'll do what I do best: evading. This is the worst solution, but I'm that type of sucker who loves to run away from problems like hell.
Good night. You'll be hearing more conflicted thoughts soon...
Love Always,
Yasmeen
Dear Friend,
So yesterday was quite a whirlwind. Until now, I'm still trying to fathom all that had happened. So I went to a friend's house for an afternoon snack, *cough*cookies*cough, and went to the basketball court to see my friends and then it rained. Not just any kind of rain. It was a freakin monster of a storm. No umbrella or amount of shielding had worked. We were all drenched and battered. We found sanctuary in our friend's house where we were lent clothes and towels , eventually, my friends hitched a ride with me so they could go back to school. That's pretty much a brief summary of that hectic day aka yesterday. But besides the experience of getting soaked in the rain with seven awesome people, it was the feelings harbored and accompanying that moment that made that day a whirlwind.
I guess I should start by saying that I've been my most conflicted self lately. This might seem a bit odd, but I'm not so happy that I'm happy. You're probably thinking, 'What the actual fuck is this girl saying? Who doesn't want to be happy?'. In this case, I guess, it's me. I can't explain in detail all the things I'm feeling right now, but they've grown deeper than I had expected. I'm literally shaking and tearing up right now because of all the confusion in my head. It feels like a war between my heart and my head, emotions versus better judgement. I'm about to burst and it's only 10 am. And you don't know how much I hate myself right now.
I'm getting sidetracked again, so I'll just say my piece.
These past few days have been the best. They've been wonderful, actually. But somewhere in between the laughs and the silly little conversations, I started to feel differently. With every smile makes, I find myself
dumbfounded and stumped. When he said he loved being the first to speak to me, or how he'd put others before himself. His random acts of kindness. That little skip my heart makes and the fact that I can't stop smiling as we speak, I hate all of it. Because I know I shouldn't be feeling any of it. I promised myself I wouldn't go down the road of false pretenses again. And you have no idea how hard I'm trying to fight it off. Then there he is, all perfect an charming and wonderful. All that a girl could ever want and more, but you know you can't fall in love with him because he's way out of your league. And then here I am, head vs heart. I try to keep a straight face and keep my feelings at bay... and then my heart goes and make me do crazy things. People do crazy things well their in love, they say. But sadly, I don't need to be. Being me is reckless enough.
And you know, that's only part one of the said dilemma. I think I might be harboring feelings for another person as well. He may or may not know this, but I've been in and out of love with him for the longest time. I don't know if he's figured it out yet, but I'm trying so hard to make him see how much I still care about him. I aimed it to be in a friendly way, but it's morphed itself into something more...Ugh. This is where it being human and having human feelings suck big time. Just when you think you're okay, boom. Emotions kick in.
It's a balancing act, my friend. It's where you try to balance friendship and emotions and everything else. The man up in the sky has really been resting me. Sigh.
And I guess, I'll do what I do best: evading. This is the worst solution, but I'm that type of sucker who loves to run away from problems like hell.
Good night. You'll be hearing more conflicted thoughts soon...
Love Always,
Yasmeen
