I’m sure there are 15 very nervous celebs waiting in the wings for this evening’s Strictly to get underway – but will nerves get the better of them as they face – eeek! – the phone vote for the first time? They may be dreading it, but I can’t wait. So, let’s meet…the stars of our show!

Well, the first star is poor old Tess’s very sparkly shoe! Every time anyone descends the SCD stairs of doom I hold my breathe a little bit because I know, without a doubt, I would be hurtling down those bloody things face first if I went within a metre of them, so thank goodness she only lost her footing, not her dignity!

Thom & Iveta

I must be in a good mood this evening because Thom strikes me as endearing, rather than annoying (although it still tickled me when he droned “Tonight is the salsa, so I can really let loose” in a tone only slightly less loose than the vest he’s wearing for this evening’s performance). It’s sad he feels disappointed with his waltz from last week, I thought he was very debonair.

He throws himself into the salsa with some hip action that is a wonder to behold. However, he makes a bit of a boo boo with one of the tricky turns quite early on and from then on starts concentrating so hard that his face doesn’t really shout ‘party time’. Unless it was one of Gregg’s swingers parties, then your face would totally look like that. For a horrible second at the beginning of the lift it went a bit wobbly and I thought we might see poor Iveta hurtling to the ground, but he’s a strapping lad and it ended up very impressive.

I imagine it’s a tough call for a rugby lad to throw himself so wholeheartedly into a hip-shaking number like this, so kudos to him on that score. The judges don’t love it, but I think this pair will be safe this week.

5, 7, 7, 6 – 25

Jennifer & Tristan

A tough call for Jennifer last week, with a jive straight off the blocks. It’s a waltz for her tonight, and she’s looking strong in training – with Tristan proving himself to be a very able teacher. No sign of his luxurious chest hair this week, alas, which is reason enough to keep your fingers crossed that they make it through this evening’s vote.

I think this is a very elegant dance – it’s not perfect, but there’s a definite improvement from last week. Jennifer seems more comfortable in hold, but who wouldn’t be, cradled against that crock of golden Irish hotness?

The judges are encouraging, rather than rapturous, but they do note her hard work and progress. It’s upsetting to hear Jennifer apologising to Tristan on her way up the stairs to see Claudia – Craig commented that there was space between them when they danced ‘like beginners’, but they are beginners and they shouldn’t feel like they’ve failed when it’s not perfect.

4, 5, 5, 5 – 19

Simon & Kristina

Hang on a minute! Simon’s got a SEVENTEEN year old daughter? Did they mean to say seven? Or did he have her when he was just out of junior school himself? I’m not going to google it as I can remember when Blue had their first record and I don’t want to accidentally discover I’m 82 or something. At the first show, Simon did seem a little arrogant with all his talk of winning, but he’s show more humility since the dancing part began, which has immediately made him a hundred times more likeable.

Kristina’s looking totally foxy for this tango (they must have sedated all the married men in the audience before they let her onstage – health and safety concerns etc.) and Simon’s tango face is firmly in place. The beginning was a little loose, but a minute or so in they hit their stride and it comes together. Kristina is a fantastic choreographer and this routine shows the couple off to their best advantage. She even throws in a couple of the Argentine kicks, which add drama to any tango.

I think that Craig is far too harsh and the other judges are fairer, given the early stage of the competition. Simon looks disappointed, but I really enjoyed that.

5, 7, 7, 7 – 26

Gregg & Aliona

Hang on for another minute! I thought that Gregg was a green grocer, not a chef – why’s he all decked out in chef’s trousers? Maybe Aliona just knew he’d trot out some ‘cheeky chappie’ jokes about melons and decided that she literally couldn’t bear it.

It’s the first charleston of the series, and maybe its zaniness will work better with Gregg’s personality, now that he’s over his first night nerves. Oh no, it’s still pretty excruciating. He keeps messing up the steps and it looks really awkward and uncomfortable – especially that ‘gag’ with the cake at the end. There’s no swivel, a tiny bit of bounce, but mainly just cringe. Lolz at Darcey’s ‘very special’ comment. I just want Gregg to stop touching Aliona when they’re not dancing, that would make me feel very happy.

3, 5, 5, 5 – 18

Alison & Aljaz

I feel that I was too mean to Alison last week. She did dance very ably and, to some, her laugh and exuberance appear to have been quite charming. Horses for courses and all that. And I like Aljaz very much, he’s a true gentleman. Also, they have a foxtrot this week, and I adore a good foxtrot. There’s a boss/PA theme for this week’s routine, which lends itself to a fairly tiresome skit in the VT, but is entertaining in the context of the performance.

Ballroom doesn’t suit Alison as well as Latin, but Aljaz has created a routine which incorporates both very nicely. She’s clearly a hard worker and brims over with enthusiasm and that compensates somewhat for slightly ragged technique.

5, 5, 6, 6 – 22

Jake & Janette

Any routine which leads to a Saturday night Ian Beale sighting can only be good news! Jake and Janette delivered a storming tango last week (one which, I felt, should have seen them at the top of the scoreboard) and this week have a salsa. Janette obviously has high hopes and a lot of faith in her partner, giving him 3 lifts in just week 2 – a lot of pressure!

Right from his first steps on the floor you can tell this is going to be a good one! He has character and hip movement in spades, and totally throws himself into the performance. It looks simultaneously like bloody hard work and barrels of fun and the bit where he caught Janette’s head in various positions – lawks, I’ve NEVER seen that move on Strictly before, let alone in week 2! The last lift is the show-stopping cherry on top of a big cake of wowzers – Darcey and Bruno join in the standing ovation and it’s totally deserved. Just wow – if it was the final, that still would have been an impressive performance. Is it too much to say that’s one of the best I’ve seen on Strictly, and I watch a LOT of strictly.

W.O.W indeed.

8, 9, 9, 9 – 35

Judy & Anton

Oh Anton, I wondered how long it would be until you broke out the tennis theming, and I have my answer. If poor Judy was nervous last week, imagine having to follow Jake onto the floor – and with a cha cha cha no less!

This is a total disaster – I think Judy forgot her steps immediately, and Anton misjudging his knee slide to end up snout deep in her lady garden wouldn’t have helped matters. It reminds me of the one occasion I was forced to go to a male strip show and one of the greased up gollums who made up the entertainment troupe forced me to stand up and spray him with oil and I was thinking ‘Please please please just end, I would literally rather be anywhere else in the universe doing anything else rather than this. I would rather be giving a manual enema to Keith Chegwin than live through another second of this’. Well, that’s what Judy’s face looks like throughout this routine. Judy, I went and sat in the toilets for the remaining three hours of the show so there was no chance of it occurring again. Is that an option for you?

2, 5, 5, 4 – 17

Caroline & Pasha

Excellent, another tango – and potentially a Harry Styles themed one, to tap into the youth market. Caroline looks fairly fearsome in rehearsals, so the odds are good for a lot of drama.

In the main this looks very competent and striking but there are a few moments when Caroline looks a little faltering. It’s well done, but not exceptional and the judge’s comments reflect that. Justified praise for Pasha’s choreography and in other weeks this might have stood out more…I’m still feeling sorry for anyone who has to follow Jake!

7, 7, 7, 8 – 29

Tim & Natalie

Tim didn’t come across as a natural talent last week, so I think a full body transplant, rather than a few lessons, would be needed to get him in tip top shape for this week’s waltz. However, ballroom might be better suited to his particular skill set, and it was certainly touching to see him tripping the light fantastic with his wife.

It’s an improvement on the dancefloor, but you’d have to be tripping your arse off to see this as fantastic, unfortunately. On the plus side, Natalie looks beautiful, what a dress. That’s it for the plus side. The judges are very pleasant, but I think it might be curtains for Tim when he hits his next Latin.

5, 6, 6, 6 – 23

Sunetra & Brendan

A good, solid tango last week and a cha cha cha for Sunetra and Brendan tonight. I’m not sure taking her to an empty nightclub and getting her tipsy on cocktails was an integral part of training, but Brendan’s so divine that I would have also gone wherever the heck he asked me to go.

Despite the music being reasonably up to date, this had a very Saturday Night Fever-esque vibe going on and it was very enjoyable to watch. Although Sunetra does appear nervous, it doesn’t hamper her performance and it’s another good week for these two. I would give her extra points for a) being super cute and ‘crying with happiness’ and b) managing to get out of that stupid egg chair gracefully and without looking like a tit, something I am yet to achieve in my own life.

6, 6, 7, 7 – 26

Mark & Karen

Ooh, the first American Smooth, by the show’s only American. I prefer the balls out Hollywood numbers and this looks like it’s likely to be more of a romantic, dreamy routine, but as long as he pulls out some kick-ass lifts, it’ll be ok by me. And why is he mentioning his fiancé so blooming much? If this was a standard, snarky blog I’d suggest that one of tomorrow’s tabloids has caught him stumbling out of a nightclub with a ‘mystery blonde’ and he’s doing damage limitation in advance, but I appear to have sweetness and light flowing from me like syrup this evening, so let’s just say he’s in love, shall we?

Aw, nothing more romantic than a man wanting to show you his shrubbery, is there? This routine is a little sugary for me, but that’s no reflection on Mark’s skills, he does very nicely.

I hope he doesn’t cry every week. I’m all for being in touch with one’s emotions, but there’s being in touch and then there’s wildly groping like a 14 year old boy discovering his first pair of real life breasts.

6, 7, 7, 7 – 27

Scott & Joanne

There’s no way to dress it up, Scott and Joanne seem lovely, but last week’s dance was just awful. Scott might fare better in hold, but they are tangoing, which needs attitude, sustained posture and precision…none of which Scott appeared to possess last week. He is nicely tanned though.

Unfortunately, it’s not great. Or even good. He does seem to have put in the work, he gets all the steps but it’s just stompy and bow-legged and ungainly. It’s sad, but he just can’t dance and there’s very little you can do with that. He is better in hold than not, if he makes it through to next week, he might struggle with another Latin. And, I rarely say this, but I thought the judges were a little…over-generous.

4, 5, 6, 5 – 20

Pixie & Trent

God, I really wish I could think of something nice to say about Pixie. She’s an alright dancer? We saw her do a charity event in the VT? She’s just so smug and irksome and – or is this just me? – difficult to like. Is it that stag school intonation? She and Trent and their many, many gleaming white teeth are waltzing this week and she looks very elegant. There! A nice thing that I really meant!

They open with Pixie not falling off a bridge, then Trent tenderly wrapping her in a shawl in a manner reminiscent of Norman Bates and his mother. It’s all very nice, very pretty, well executed, so smug that I want to punch myself in the face.

They think THIS was as good as Jake and Janette? Come off it judges!

8, 9, 9, 9 – 35

Steve & Ola

Hmm, it seems the BBC haven’t yet received my letter demanding that Steve never wears a sleeved garment on the show again. They are cha cha cha-ing this week and Steve seems to be putting in the hours to live up to the potential promised in last week’s tango.

He doesn’t seem quite as comfortable this week, but it is very good fun to watch. The hips are not quite there, but the grinding on Ian Beale made up for that. I, unlike the judges, thought the footwork was very good and Craig’s comments are unnecessarily scathing. I thought that was good and I look forward to seeing Steve, arms bared, next week.

3, 6, 6, 6 – 21

Frankie & Kevin

Ooh, another charleston – a 1950’s themed one too. Kevin and Frankie topped the leaderboard last week, so it’ll be interesting to see if she can master a completely different style.

Yes, she can, and a very good job she does too. Her timing is spot on and it’s a fast, fun and demanding routine. The judges are critical of her lack of swivel, but praise the jive/charleston mix. Good enough scores from both weeks to save them this week, I should think.

7, 7, 8, 8 – 30

Next week is MOVIE week, but who won’t be there for curtains up? I’m hazarding a guess that it will be either Judy or Gregg, but there could be a week two shocker…

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