The failing @NYTimes says the Fiji Mermaid is a monkey sewn to a catfish tale. LIES! Fake News! Sad
Hearing great thing about #BarnumsAmericanMuseum
Tsar! Grigori Rasputin is the best thing that ever happened to you. LISTEN!
The fabulous #BarnumsAmericanMuseum just finished its #wingofhumanoddities. Gorgeous!
Nicholas II should definitely listen to Grigori. He is a Genius!
The highly overrated Fredrick Douglas in Baltimore tonight. Heard he was really never a slave.
The mammy who put clothes on the father of our country, Joice Heth, looks great for 161!#BarnumsAmericanMuseum
Grigori Rasputin is another victim of #fakenews. Not at all mad!
William Lloyd Garrison is a fraud. Not even Black.
William Lloyd Garrison is the worst. Trying to say I bought Joice Heth from slavers and she is 76. Sad.#fakenews
William Lloyd Garrison and the failing Liberator spreading FAKE NEWS! Par for the course. #fakenews
Just spent a wonderful fortnight in Russia. Beautiful Palace. Rasputin Great!
John Ringling very gracious host. Gorgeous bathrooms. #goldentoilets
The American people are truly in love with my human oddities #BarnumsAmericanMuseum
Met with Tsar's beautiful family. Rumors NOT TRUE #fakenews
General Tom Thumbs army of freaks includes the greatest pinheads on the planet.#BarnumsAmericanMuseum #wingofhumanoddities.
I will personally oversee the autopsy of Joice Heth when she dies. Get tickets now. Sure to sell out #BarnumsAmericanMuseum
The failing Liberator and Fredrick Douglas #neveraslave are wasting their time. No one in Baltimore. Crowds really really small.
Meeting with Ringling very productive. 2 camels 1 elephant named “Jumbo” for 1 pinhead. The Art of the Deal!
Just talked to Rasputin.#classact
I will personally oversee the autopsy of Jumbo the Elephant when he dies. Get tickets now. Sure to sell out #BarnumsAmericanMuseum
Crowds so big at #BarnumsAmericanMuseum extra police hired to stand watch.
The failing @NYTimes is so jealous of my success that the are calling the #BarnumsAmericanMuseum a fire hazard. Sad. #fakenews
The lying @NYTimes is saying autopsy of Joice Heth puts her at 79. Disgrace to a 161 year old American Hero. Sad
The lying @NYTimes is saying autopsy of Joice Heth puts her at 79. Disgrace to a 161 year old American Hero. Sad
True American Hero Joice Heth changed George Washington's diapers. Period!
@NYPDCoroner should be fired. @NYTimes is#FAKENEWS!
Hearing great things about #BarnumsAmericanMuseum. Planning a wonderful production of #UncleTomsCabin
the failing @Liberator has no proof that I spent $165 in the purchase of one elderly black female #fakenews
The rumors I have heard that Fredrick Douglas rapes white women are a disgrace. #nevereveraslave
I was in Russia, Anastasia truly, truly loved Rasputin. Father figure. #standupguy #fakenews
The minstrel show may be mankind's greatest artistic achievement
Heard wonderful production of #UncleTomsCabin @ #BarnumsAmericanMuseum sure to win critical acclaim.
Just had fabulous dinner with Ringling. Broiled albatross on sauteed elephant hoof. Should be an American staple.
Greatest crowd on earth for #UncleTomsCabin opening night @ #BarnumsAmericanMuseum
Grigori Rasputin is getting a horrible rap from the Russian press. Almost as bad as the failing @NYTimes and the even worse @Liberator. Sad
Beautiful production of #UncleTomsCabin last night @ #BarnumsAmericanMuseum. Not at all racist. Most actors fantastic. All but overrated Edwin Booth.
Overrated Edwin Booth as Simon Legree: Worst performance ever. Should have got his brother.
The overrated Edwin Booth obviously has has never whipped a man before. Terrible performance. And no rape at all. Sad.
The failing @NYTimes has never seen reports of fire code violations at #BarnumsAmericanMuseum. Sad lies. No wonder they're failing.
The failing @NYTimes will be lucky if they survive past 1870. No readers. No staying power.#fakenews
I told John Ringling that he was letting all of his animals and freaks go to waste. If you're not going to put them in the ring, why not feed them to #theAmericanPeople.
I would play a better Simon Legree than #theoverratedEdwinBooth #experiencecounts
90% of #theAmericanPeople think JohnWilkes Booth is a better actor than his brother.
If the crooked lawyers at #BarnumsAmericanMuseum keep refusing to break #theoverratedEdwinBoothe's contract, #theAmericanPeople may burn it to the ground.
Heard that the rumors of homosexual affair (Paris 10/3) between Douglas and Garrison is hard to corroborate. Why do they keep spreading fake news? #Gay?
Just heard news of horrible fire at #BarnumsAmericanMuseum. So sad if it was set by Negros or foreigners in turbans.
The failing @NYTimes refuses to believe the true reports that men in turbans, negros and freaks set the fire to #BarnumsAmericanMuseum. More #fakenews
So sad for the loss of my comrades in #wingofhumanoddities
Since the tragic fire at #BarnumsAmericanMuseum, #theAmericanPeople are finally demanding that something be done about freaks, Negros, and men in turbans.
Another delicious dinner with Ringling. There's something about rhino horn and tiger scrotum that really makes you feel like a man.
There is absolutely no truth to the terrible rumors the fake and failing Russian press is trying to spread about whether I may or may not have even been in Russia at the time.
Big deals in the works. Can't say what yet, but will be greatest thing ever for # theAmericanPeople
I have never been urinated on by Grigori Rasputin!
Meeting with Ringling and Rasputin today. Possibly discussing @POTUS
My sincerest apologies to P.T. Barnum, who, even though he purchased Joice Heth as a slave, later became a true abolitionist. Also, to everyone else I so unjustly portrayed; the Liberator didn't have a twitter presence and John Ringling probably didn't feast on elephants. ...and mostly: So sorry to historians everywhere, my very deepest apologies.
Special shout out to Sebastian Major at ourfakehistory.com for inspiring me to butcher this story, and of course to @realDonaldTrump. Couldn't have done it without ya, buddy!
