I've begun to Realize something this Valentine's Day.

I used to think God kept dealing me shitty hands all my life, with never making any female progress. I didn't realize that a girl wasn't even ever in my deck.

I always made excuses for being alone. But none of them were true. It's not because I'm fat or ugly or not rich or age or anything else. It's not because she's a bitch, it's not because I creeped her out. It's not her job, it's not my job, and it's not because of either of our strengths in our religion.

I've been waiting 15 years for something that I could wait a hundred more years for and it still wouldn't happen.

Sometimes lately I've gotten sad thinking about how I was relatively close to being close to being an age that shouldn't have kids. But I'm not going to have kids.

For almost my entire fucking life I've been sitting there hung up and distraught over not having any of the things that I structured my entire life and actions around trying to acquire. But it was all fiction.

I've just been sitting here pissed all the time, thinking my "Asperger's" was fucking me over. I have forgot that it's not just Asperger's. It's autism. I might as well have down syndrome and be trying to hit on these girls I think about in my life.

What I chose to live my life for was a lie the entire time. Yes, you may say you've heard of a bunch of people with autism who have husbands or wives. Well I've also heard of a bunch of people who feel really strongly that The Human Centipede should have won the Oscar for best picture... Does that analogy even work? Fuck it, nobody cares or is reading anymore.

I've wanted to get her for so so long. She was never mine to get.



What now. Fuck.