Today I was quietly letting my life fly by, dossing around in the common room, when an argument erupted. It was over the “suspicious nature” of Princess Di's death. After further discussion one of my compatriots suggested that the Loch Ness Monster could be real. Rather than dismissing this view outright, calling the men in white coats and having him locked away for the rest of his life, I decided to investigate. So off I set off to the world's largest collection of groundless, purely speculative garbage, the Internet.

As it turns out there are literally thousands of conspiracy sites available, the majority rather predictably run by Americans. All of the loons seemed genuinely convinced “Nessie” was alive and well, and demonstrate evidence to prove this. After researching I found that one of their claims was true – Thatcher's government actually spent large amounts of time considering how to protect the creature, as they considered it beneficial to tourism, suggesting the beast was a reality in high levels of government (Insert Maggie joke here).

The first sighting of PokeNessie is alleged to have been in 1934 , and numerous others will swear they have also laid eyes on it. They're not all just drunk Scottish tramps either – well respected scientists, doctors and other professionals have apparently seen Lochy. Several photos have been published, but they have always been somewhat unreliable.
This “image to silence all the skeptics and Nessie nay-sayers” was taken in July last year and is quite frankly about as useful as custard floorboards.
So what has caused thousands of people to claim they have seen the Nessmeister? Well, explanations range from him being a “Baltic sturgeon, a primitive fish with a snout and spines which can grow up to nine feet long and weigh in at around 450 pounds,” to simply an optical illusion caused by underwater waves. In the end, who cares? Scotland is far too cold for me to even consider a holiday within 100 miles of it and therefore any “monster” poses no threat to me unless it learns to fly. Besides, according to one of my sources “our existence is a mere illusion,” so there's little point in arguing really. #RD