I am right in the middle of the womb of the dawn Doctor. The Sun is coming back, the moon is still here.They seem to serve humans just fine. Humans; they are just so troubled. Yes you are right; so am I, if you are trying to read me between my lines. That is right blame me for telling the truth, scape goat me, scapegoat me more because I am a woman, just because of the little comfort of the sweet lies you wake up to every morning.

I could not sleep last night doctor. I did not let my neighbour sleep either. I asked her questions about God, universe and us. She thought I was mad but she did not say that. She showed me pictures of her dead moments instead while we killed the time and time killed us. Yes you are right, I am on my PMS period. I read that some women had murdered their kids because of PMS. I am aware of that, but still trying to control it. Maybe I needed a little bit of help. I left her to her cats. She has thirty six cats, can you believe that?

I came home and wonder why I had to past so many tests in life if I am eventually and inevitably going to die doctor. Why do I have to make so much effort to grow if all it leads to is just a brutal death? And why do I have to prove my Love to God If he/she/it made me of love anyway? Surely he/she/it does not need my love, I need his/her/its love instead. And I need it bad, because humans are no longer capable to love each other doctor. They seek it in everything and everyone but they don’t give it to anyone, they are unable to. What made them that way, why and how, I don’t want to say I know even though I do. Because I know they will hate me for telling it. They are so eager and ready to hate and attack but they cannot love…they cannot love…they cannot…am I not right doctor? You know I am. I know you that but you never say it because you, too, are in it.

Where are you now? On the beach? With your new lover? Did you lie to your wife again? I am sure you did. Yes, you are right. I should not dive so deep into unknowable things like right, wrong, love and God. I should just live but never bleed. Even if I do bleed I should never admit it. I should fake happiness, I know that is what you want me to do. But don’t you die if you do that, too, doctor? I can see you smile. That is right, you should only dive into sea that deep. Even then you get so close to death and you need more oxygen don’t you doctor? I need more oxygen these days.

A woman laughed…no not purely out of joy…but pain. She begged to be loved but she did not say it…it was hard. Man felt every particle of her heart but he was unable to recognise. Even if he did, he would not know how to kill her pain but fuel it. Is your new lover killing your pain doctor? Are you slowly killing her with your fake love? Are you dying doctor?

Please write back before you are dead doctor. I miss arguing with you, fighting, screaming, swearing and all that jazz… I guess that is where I hide my joy, love and respect. I am sure you understand.

I am troubled doctor, please come back…come back before death.