Over the years, I've had so much culminated anxiety that my anxiety has risen to such a level that I start having Panic Attacks. These attacks are recurrent which means I have a Mental Illness called Panic Disorder. Being a Mental illness obviously there is not enough awareness and knowledge about it in society, because in our great country the mental illness awareness is very much not-so great.
Be Brave! Be Strong! Be Happy! Yay! Nope. It's no where even close to that simple. Its quite the opposite- these attacks are intense terrifying phases in which your body stops working and your mind thinks everything is falling apart.
Imagine this- The serotonin levels in your brain (which are responsible for happiness) reduce and all other emotions like sadness, anger, irritation, etc spike up. Hence your logical mind stops working and only your emotional mind works. Hold up, let me explain that. Basically that means there are periods where logic stops working and your emotions take over, so all you can think of are the worst possibilities of every single worry or insecurity you have in life. It's weird to explain but it's like you can see through all your worst possible nightmares right in front of your eyes. All this while your body stops functioning- You can barely move (not even your lips and eyelids).A transparent force just takes a hold of your body and your mind doesn't not let you think you can move. Your vision goes blurry and you get really dizzy. You can't breathe properly either because you're hyperventilating. To add the cherry right on the top- You're 100% convinced you're dying, and there is nothing that can convince you otherwise.
Who would want that right? Such a vibe kill gurl. Anyway, that's what it's like having a Panic Attack. In my case these attacks take place for weeks continuous in periods of two to three months. In these phases my appetite depletes, sleep gets disturbed and I cant really remember much of what's happening. I have been through weeks where I'd wake up each day fully convinced I'm going to die. Due to this my mind used to not really be able to plan for anything past a day cause I wouldn't think I'd be alive till then. The past being more or less a blur cause of the memory issues, of course.
I hid this issue from most of the world for an entire year, for the starting part I didn't even know what it was. A year I handled it all alone. Medication, medication withdrawal, class 12, boards, college apps, college. All this- while no body understood. I was given help of course, but what's help to me when nobody knows what's happening. The ones who eventually did didn't give it enough attention.
Over the past year I have learnt how to deal with my PD, and now obviously with medication and treatment things have gotten better and I've picked myself up to start writing,and perhaps get back into my other interests. I've had suicidal phases, I've had self harm phases, I've had phases where I had absolutely no idea of anything and I've had phases where I thought I knew everything.
Always protect your mental health and take care of the mental health of others around you. You never know how the tiny little details can make an enormous amount of difference. Your mind and your happiness should always be your first priority, believe me I know the consequences. Through all this I kept going on because in the end everything does eventually get better... Time does heal everything.
